Kids vs MIL (update in #23)

[Green_Tea]

So grandma can say whatever she wants and won’t change, but the girls need to bite their tongues and not say anything?? Ideally DH, her son, should shut grandma down with “we don’t talk about people like that in this house mom”, and then change the topic. Or you do it if DH isn’t there. Unless she has dementia, grandma can bite her tongue. She’ll keep saying it though unless she’s told not to and it’s enforced.

I believe as parents it’s our job to shut down the mean nasty comments coming from family to protect our kids. They’ll see you shut it down and not engaging with her.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

YES TO THIS. Your MIL is wrong. Being old isn’t an excuse for being racist. Unless she has dementia, I would not encourage your DDs to listen to racist comments and tolerate them. I also agree that your husband needs to shut his mom down and let her know that your entire family finds her rhetoric offensive.

[SnuggleBuggles]

YES TO THIS. Your MIL is wrong. Being old isn’t an excuse for being racist. Unless she has dementia, I would not encourage your DDs to listen to racist comments and tolerate them. I also agree that your husband needs to shut his mom down and let her know that your entire family finds her rhetoric offensive.

agree.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[Tenasparkl]

YES TO THIS. Your MIL is wrong. Being old isn’t an excuse for being racist. Unless she has dementia, I would not encourage your DDs to listen to racist comments and tolerate them. I also agree that your husband needs to shut his mom down and let her know that your entire family finds her rhetoric offensive.

I completely agree.

[Corie]

So grandma can say whatever she wants and won’t change, but the girls need to bite their tongues and not say anything?? Ideally DH, her son, should shut grandma down with “we don’t talk about people like that in this house mom”, and then change the topic. Or you do it if DH isn’t there. Unless she has dementia, grandma can bite her tongue. She’ll keep saying it though unless she’s told not to and it’s enforced.

I believe as parents it’s our job to shut down the mean nasty comments coming from family to protect our kids. They’ll see you shut it down and not engaging with her.

I completely agree with you!!!

[StantonHyde]

I need more context--your house or MILs? Does she spout off racist crap out of nowhere? Or does it have to be brought up? Like, your DDs don't need to start anything. But if MIL is saying something, then they can just say "I won't listen to your racist views" and leave the room. Your DH needs to shut it down. If you are at MILs, can you stay in a hotel so you get breaks? I have racist family members but if I go back for a funeral, then we can talk about 1,000 other things that have nothing to do with race. They know not to go there with me. If I hear anything, I veer away from that group of people and talk to others. And I have simply said, "no, that is not correct" or give, as Paddington would say, "a very hard stare". I don't debate but I'm not a teenager--I know better than to waste my time.

[niccig]

So grandma can say whatever she wants and won’t change, but the girls need to bite their tongues and not say anything?? Ideally DH, her son, should shut grandma down with “we don’t talk about people like that in this house mom”, and then change the topic. Or you do it if DH isn’t there. Unless she has dementia, grandma can bite her tongue. She’ll keep saying it though unless she’s told not to and it’s enforced.

I believe as parents it’s our job to shut down the mean nasty comments coming from family to protect our kids. They’ll see you shut it down and not engaging with her.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

Coming back to add as I was rushed this morning.

I let my mom get away with saying mean crap and tried to divert DS away from her. She’s grandma, let’s try to have some kind of relationship, he doesn’t see her very often, she’ll get mad and it will ruin the visit etc etc. Then he was 14 and she said mean nasty comments directly to him, such that we’re still dealing with fall out with him.

I regret not standing up earlier and putting myself in between my child and mother and telling her to knock it off. By tip toe around her feelings/beliefs to try and keep the peace, I let DS get hurt.

You don’t have to be confrontational, you do be firm “this behavior won’t be tolerated” change the topic or leave the room. It has to come from the adults and not from the kids. They’re only 15. You and DH protect them and show them how you stand up and tell someone what they’re saying won’t be tolerated. Will grandma probably get angry, yes, but your kids won’t get hurt, and the kids feelings outweighs grandma’s anger here. A “mom I told you were not discussing that/won’t talk like that. How about that crazy rainstorm we had last night...”. If mom persists, “mom that won’t be discussed. I’ll let you finish watching tv. Girls come help me in the kitchen” You shield your kids from grandma. You speak up before the girls can respond to grandma. Tell the girls you will deal with grandma, you and DH deal with her, and there’s no need for them to get into an argument with her.





Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[gatorsmom]

Coming back to add as I was rushed this morning.

I let my mom get away with saying mean crap and tried to divert DS away from her. She’s grandma, let’s try to have some kind of relationship, he doesn’t see her very often, she’ll get mad and it will ruin the visit etc etc. Then he was 14 and she said mean nasty comments directly to him, such that we’re still dealing with fall out with him.

I regret not standing up earlier and putting myself in between my child and mother and telling her to knock it off. By tip toe around her feelings/beliefs to try and keep the peace, I let DS get hurt.

You don’t have to be confrontational, you do be firm “this behavior won’t be tolerated” change the topic or leave the room. It has to come from the adults and not from the kids. They’re only 15. You and DH protect them and show them how you stand up and tell someone what they’re saying won’t be tolerated. Will grandma probably get angry, yes, but your kids won’t get hurt, and the kids feelings outweighs grandma’s anger here. A “mom I told you were not discussing that/won’t talk like that. How about that crazy rainstorm we had last night...”. If mom persists, “mom that won’t be discussed. I’ll let you finish watching tv. Girls come help me in the kitchen” You shield your kids from grandma. You speak up before the girls can respond to grandma. Tell the girls you will deal with grandma, you and DH deal with her, and there’s no need for them to get into an argument with her.



Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

Wait, is MIL insulting and verbally abusing the kids? I didn't get that sense from the OP. I got the sense that the girls were regularly getting in arguments with their grandmother. She may be spouting off things she knows will irk them and picking a fight. That to me is very different from her attacking or insulting the kids. In that case, he11 yes, defend those kids and shut her down! That's abuse.

[niccig]

Wait, is MIL insulting and verbally abusing the kids? I didn't get that sense from the OP. I got the sense that the girls were regularly getting in arguments with their grandmother. She may be spouting off things she knows will irk them and picking a fight. That to me is very different from her attacking or insulting the kids. In that case, he11 yes, defend those kids and shut her down! That's abuse.

OP used the word “brawl”, I took that to mean the arguments were getting heated and the girls were getting hurt by what grandma said. Even if it’s not a “brawl” like that, arguments can get out of hand and either grandma or the girls may say something that hurts the others.

I still stand by one of the parent stepping in, ideally DH as it’s his mom, and shutting things down BEFORE the girls get into an argument with their grandmother. If it’s stopped before an argument starts, then the girls won’t get upset and grandma won’t get mad at the granddaughters. She may get mad at the parents, but it saves the girls’ feelings, and the parent can better deal with a mad grandmother.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[California]

I like Niccig’s suggestion of role modeling as the adult a quick intervention and healthy boundary setting. You don’t share in your post what your views are, but I’m guessing you also don’t like your children being exposed to racist comments.

Personally, for me the challenging part is maintaining an appearance of calm firmness (even if my heart is racing and my palms are sweating!) I used to think behavior like this would “never change” and tried to live with it at family GTGs even though it upset me. Turns out, it only “never changed” because I hadn’t set my boundaries. After a few comments in front of our first kid, I just couldn’t tolerate it anymore. DH and I presented a firm, polite united front- with no qualms about leaving if needed- and low and behold, it worked! We didn’t say much at all. A quick, “I’m not comfortable with that language around my children,” and switch the topic. Repeat as needed.

If I’m reading your post wrong- and your teens are the ones bringing the topic up with MIL (ie MIL is not actually making racist comments), in that scenario I would ask teens to acknowledge that at least MIL respects your family enough to keep her comments/views to herself. And in return, ask them to keep their thoughts to themselves too.

[truly scrumptious]

YES TO THIS. Your MIL is wrong. Being old isn’t an excuse for being racist. Unless she has dementia, I would not encourage your DDs to listen to racist comments and tolerate them. I also agree that your husband needs to shut his mom down and let her know that your entire family finds her rhetoric offensive.

I agree with this as well.

Empowering your DD's to formulate a plan to deal with discussions that go off the rails FOR THEIR OWN PEACE OF MIND is a great idea. Ask them how they plan to approach the discussions and what they plan to do if it upsets them too much. And then support them in that plan. Ask them how they would like you to respond if MIL pulls you in (e.g. "Tell your kids not to be disrespectful") - do they want you to stay out of it? Engage with her and ask that she also stop the discussion? You need to draw all these lines before the visit.

It would be helpful to have a conversation with MIL (maybe your DH can) asking HER whether her priority is being right (and refusing to change) or maintaining a relationship with her granddaughters. That is a two way street and your DDs shouldn't have to bear the brunt of it. She can believe what she likes, but she can also choose to walk away from certain discussions in order to preserve the relationship ("agree to disagree and leave it at that")