How to handle - inappropriate comments UPDATE in 13

[DietCokeLover]

DD is 14 and plays soccer on a predominantly male team. Her team often practices with the boys team that is the year younger than hers. I think there are maybe a total of 5 girls on the combined teams. We've had ongoing conversations about how the boys don't always immediately see her as a teammate who has the same skill level as they do and that she unfortunately has had to "earn" their respect as a teammate. She has been fine with this and there are no problems with this.

Last night, after a game, she was telling me about a kid who is on the younger team (so I am assuming maybe 12 or 13) and how much she hates him. As we talked, she was sharing how he makes comments about how the girls would be nothing without the boys on the team, how they are too weak to do a push up on their own, how they need "protecting" on the field by the boys, etc. DD says that he is the worst about the sexist type comments but that some others have said random things. She doesn't like it, but for the most part chalks it up to immaturity and ignores it.

However, she shared last night that this kid in particular has made comments about her chest. This crosses the line for me. DD wants to hit him. Trying to not incite violence, but also want to support DD that this is not ok and she does not have to be silent when a male makes an unwanted comment regarding her body. She said she told him to "shut up" and walked away.

I am wondering if I should take this information to the club director. It is a rather small club, but the director is a female in her mid to late 20's and I know she would not appreciate this type of interaction happening within the teams.

Would you tell her? How much would you share if you would talk to her?

Thanks for your responses.

[gymnbomb]

I would tell her exactly what you shared here. That this is a consistent pattern your daughter (and likely all the other female players) has been dealing with and trying to ignore, but that this crossed the line. It shows that you and she have not been nit-picking every little thing, but that there are limits to what your daughter will put up with. It also describes the culture that has developed that led to this happening.

[mommy111]

This should be a talk to the team as well as to the individual kid and his parents by the director. For sure speak up.

[georgiegirl]

I would most definitely tell the coach/athletic director. Those sorts of comments are completely unacceptable and need to be stopped ASAP. I don’t think DD should bear the entire burden of telling whoever is in charge. You should be there with her. This is a very serious matter, and that boy needs to learn that he cannot say stuff like that (and his thinking needs to be changed.)


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[Green_Tea]

That’s sexual harassment. I would absolutely bring up to the director and use the words sexual harassment. The kid needs to know that it’s is 100% not ok to make comments like that and that it could become a matter that involves law enforcement if it continues. Yes, even if the kid is 12 or 13.

[bcafe]

I would speak with the director and coaches, however, frankly, she should haul off and slug him. Bet he would stop!

[California]

That’s sexual harassment. I would absolutely bring up to the director and use the words sexual harassment. The kid needs to know that it’s is 100% not ok to make comments like that and that it could become a matter that involves law enforcement if it continues. Yes, even if the kid is 12 or 13.

Agree with this. He's only going to continue behaving this way until the adults in his life set boundaries.

In addition to holding this kid accountable, I would ask the director to make sure that going forward rules against sexual harassment (including consequences) are clearly spelled out at the start of each season, if this is not being done already.

Also, is your DD friends with any of the other girls on the teams? I've found that for my DDs it really helps when they are able to talk to other girls. And, come to think of it, and supportive guy friends help too- including their dad and brother who help normalize that boys are completely capable of being decent human beings and have no excuse for this behavior.

[carolinamama]

This is not acceptable and should absolutely be brought up to the coach and director. Especially since the club is maintaining co-ed teams, they need to state and enforce rules against sexual harassment with consequences. And this needs to go beyond just the players. Guaranteed the worst offender is hearing talk like this at home so if you are comfortable, ask for the club parents to be addressed as well.

Your DD will learn how to stand up against such crap watching you advocate for her and others. You are a great parent!

[KpbS]

I would speak with the director and coaches, however, frankly, she should haul off and slug him. Bet he would stop!

Definitely share all of the above with the director, but DD may need to take some action like this at some point.

I hope the adults in charge would attempt to straighten things out (should he be benched/miss a game if he continues?) but sadly this is exactly the type of behavior that is hard to “prove” and some adults like to minimize and sweep under the rug. Very frustrating for sure.

[amyx4]

I only have sons and I appreciate when coaches address this issue. It backs up what we're saying at home.

Mine have mostly played on all boy teams but sometimes the girl teams share the field/gym/busses and there have been boys who make comments. When comments are made my sons' teams have been talked to as a group by the coach within a few days of the incident. Not a revelation of what was said to whom but the coach starts practice late to spend time going over the rules/handbook/contract.

And hopefully, it's a one-off. In our house we've always discouraged that kind of language. However, having teens keeps me humble and one of mine did say something once that made me cringe.