I'm married to an anti-vaxxer

[gatorsmom]

I read this thread several days ago and was surprised and posters who so strongly advocated for you to do what you want behind your Dh’s back. I think we would all be pretty upset if that advice was being directed toward something we felt strong about.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this struggle with your spouse. There is a lot of fear out there on both sides. I don’t think either side is wrong to be concerned. The fact is that we are all effectively participants in this vaccine trial. It’s a collective effort to save lives that may backfire in some way for some people. We just don’t know what we don’t know. That’s scary. (I say this as someone who is vaxxed and whose 17yo is vaxxed. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to for me, Dh or ds1).

[jgenie]

I read this thread several days ago and was surprised and posters who so strongly advocated for you to do what you want behind your Dh’s back. I think we would all be pretty upset if that advice was being directed toward something we felt strong about.
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I think the go behind his back advice came about because her DH issued a veto on the vaccine. That is very different from coming to the table to express concerns and find a solution that works for everyone. My hackles go up when adults dictate choices for other adults.

[petesgirl]

I read this thread several days ago and was surprised and posters who so strongly advocated for you to do what you want behind your Dh’s back. I think we would all be pretty upset if that advice was being directed toward something we felt strong about.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this struggle with your spouse. There is a lot of fear out there on both sides. I don’t think either side is wrong to be concerned. The fact is that we are all effectively participants in this vaccine trial. It’s a collective effort to save lives that may backfire in some way for some people. We just don’t know what we don’t know. That’s scary. (I say this as someone who is vaxxed and whose 17yo is vaxxed. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to for me, Dh or ds1).

It is complicated. My daughter had a mild vaccine injury as an infant and I've been very cautious since then. I don't believe that pharmaceutical companies and even the FDA are always looking out for our best interests. I'm glad my kids are young enough that I don't have to make this decision for them yet.

I do think if OP's daughter understands the risks and is ok with that, she should be allowed to make that decision at her age.

[bisous]

I read this thread several days ago and was surprised and posters who so strongly advocated for you to do what you want behind your Dh’s back. I think we would all be pretty upset if that advice was being directed toward something we felt strong about.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this struggle with your spouse. There is a lot of fear out there on both sides. I don’t think either side is wrong to be concerned. The fact is that we are all effectively participants in this vaccine trial. It’s a collective effort to save lives that may backfire in some way for some people. We just don’t know what we don’t know. That’s scary. (I say this as someone who is vaxxed and whose 17yo is vaxxed. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to for me, Dh or ds1).

Oh I wasn't advocating doing it behind his back. I'd just say "I'm taking her now. She wants to and it is important to me." And I'd let the chips fall where they may. I mean, my DH would be really angry about it but I'd stand my ground on this one. (Although I can't see my DH ever being so tyrannical about something like this...I think the tyranny of his position is important to this discussion!) I feel like the attitudes that her DH is expressing (refusing masks and thereby making her load heavier, choosing not to use the vaccine even if that means potential loss of employment) are very extreme for the family too. I truly hope everything is ok for OP. I would respect his attitude about vaccines for himself but I would be clear that if it negatively affected his employment status the whole family would be harmed and I would hope he'd be reasonable about it.

[petesgirl]

I just took this screenshot from an Instagram thread I was reading about Botox. It made me chuckle.
Screenshot_20210430-224721_Instagram.jpg

[jgenie]

i just took this screenshot from an instagram thread i was reading about botox. It made me chuckle.
Screenshot_20210430-224721_Instagram.jpg

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I think the go behind his back advice came about because her DH issued a veto on the vaccine. That is very different from coming to the table to express concerns and find a solution that works for everyone. My hackles go up when adults dictate choices for other adults.

Yes, exactly - thank you.

The thing that stood out to me from OP's post was that her DH was dictating choices for the entire family that required OP to do significant amount of extra work, and he was not taking any responsibility for that. It would be one thing if he had expressed concerns about the vax, showed the reasons for it and then discussed and worked out solutions together, and what he was going to do . E.g. if she can't get vaxed, what can he do to shoulder the burden of the consequences of that decision (DD not being able to go to camps etc). The very least would be to wear a mask in school drop offs, but OP said he refused to do that. Why must OP have to do ALL the additional legwork because DH doesn't want something? Like he can't be bothered. That's not fair at all.

I don't see this as much as about vaccine hesistancy vs. just overall respect in a marriage and valuing the time and work of a spouse, and how they are affected by your decisions. Also, the comments about "kung flu" etc makes me think it is more political vs. actual concern over the vaccine.

OP - thanks for the update, and sorry you have to go through this! hoping the fallout is minimal. Hugs to you.

edited to add: i just saw the screenshot posted - LOL, that is SO TRUE. especially here in Dallas. Lots of mamas getting Botox, boasting their Brazilian blowouts (which has formaldehyde) and fake tans from hours in a tanning booth, but then don't want to get the vaccine (or even wear a mask), because of "harmful toxins" and "concern about their health"

[AngB]

I am sorry OP. I hope there isn't too much fallout from your dd getting vaccinated. I would have done the same. This makes me feel a little better about my DH, who also refuses to get vaxed but he is weirdly moderate about it all (like he has made me change one of our kids' soccer nights because he was uncomfortable with how many people weren't wearing masks....I told him he'd feel a lot better about being around people that weren't masked if he was vaccinated like I was...I do still wear masks but I am definitely more comfortable in public being vaccinated, we did switch nights for a variety of reasons but that was definitely a big factor. It was just exasperating his level of "omg look at all these people without masks!" He sent me videos of it.) I have sent him like 8009488904 studies. He sent me back the alert when they stopped the J&J shot which I turned against him..."look how cautious they are being! Only 7 people (women!) had a clotting issue out of millions but still they noticed it and stopped the vaccines." I am hoping his work requires it because I know he will grudgingly get it then. (Also he was in the military where they basically disregard your shot records when you enlist and give you 75 shots at once at basic training (or at least it was like that when he enlisted) so I'm like...really?! This is the time you are concerned about a shot? I just asked him tonight if a vaccine gets regular FDA approval ("because it's too new") if he would get it and he shrugged which I'm taking as a promising sign I'm making progress. Our kids won't be eligible for awhile (oldest is 10), but our 8 yo has already said he can't wait until he can get vaccinated. (He gets really bad nose bleeds and has been covid tested twice and had bad nose bleeds for weeks after so he's still kinda traumatized over that.) DH won't love it but even for our 8 year old I know if he tells him he wants the shot then he won't begrudge him getting it. (I was actually iffy on getting it for my kids to be honest but hearing DS asking when he can get it has changed my mind. I still don't think I will for our 2 year old, and also iffy for my 5 year old.)

[ncat]

Ugh. I am wildly excited about the likely vaccine approval for 12-15 year olds, but dreading discussions with H.

[ArizonaGirl]

Ugh. I am wildly excited about the likely vaccine approval for 12-15 year olds, but dreading discussions with H.

I'm also super excited!

I'm sorry you are having to fight that fight with your spouse. It is so hard when you have fundamental disagreements about things like this that have a widespread impact.