What is the shower/wedding etiquette for this?

[icunurse]

I work in a small department, anywhere from zero to 4 days per week (average ten days per month). I have worked with someone for 4 years, but we are different levels (she is not a nurse, so I see her in spurts). We are different, but get along very well. She just left our department and works a day or two per month for us, but I have yet to see her in a couple months. I received an invite to her daughters wedding shower and imagine I will also get an invite to the wedding. I do not know any of her family or friends (never met the bride or groom). Even if my coworkers go, we don’t hang out ever. I don’t plan to go to either event due to A) not my thing, doesn’t sound fun to me and B) Covid (my coworker is very nice, but a doubter and I know her friends and family are not being safe by her stories). So....

How do I politely decline each event? The shower I might actually have a conflict with, not sure about the wedding date.

Do I send a gift? Each event? Just a wedding gift? How much? I know if a attended a wedding, I try to cover my cost per head. Not attending and never having met them, does that change things?

[mom2binsd]

It sounds like they are sending invites to just about everyone they know (obviously as you are not close at all to the woman or her daughter), which I find is a gift grab.

You are under no obligation to give any reason for your regrets nor do you need to send a gift to either event.

I honestly can't believe people do this type of thing, I mean it would be one thing if you socialized with her and had met her daughter etc, but this seems odd tbh.

[gymnbomb]

I would decline attending and send one small gift.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kestrel]

In my opinion, decline both. Actually decline, not just don't show. You have no obligation to tell them WHY you're not coming.

Send a nice card for the wedding and call it good. You don't know them.

[carolinamama]

No need to give a reason for declining the shower or possible wedding invite. Send a small gift, or don't. It's up to you - maybe I would if my life were calm at the time, maybe not if things were crazy.

[carolinacool]

In my opinion, decline both. Actually decline, not just don't show. You have no obligation to tell them WHY you're not coming.

Send a nice card for the wedding and call it good. You don't know them.

I agree with this. I would maybe send a small gift if you were good friends with the mom, but hadn't met the daughter. But it doesn't like you are really friends with the mom.

[icunurse]

Thanks. I just didn’t want to be tacky or rude.

The only reason I feel that I need an “excuse” is the shower RSVP method is to email my coworker. She and I are friendly, joke around at work, etc., but never hung out otherwise. I think she is trying to be nice, but I also know they have room at their hall for more people. I did tell my coworker when she asked my address that I might not attend depending on Covid and if they need to limit people at the wedding, don’t even worry about me. I would be uncomfortable in a room of strangers, my husband would be miserable lol They have an Amazon wishlist, so maybe I’ll check it out and send something small around the date of their wedding.

[firstbaby]

I would RSVP no but I would send a shower gift and a small wedding gift. I would look at it as an investment in the relationship with someone you like at work and an opportunity to wish someone well with a happy life event. Not in a “she will owe me” investment way but in a spread kindness kind of thing. My kids have had people we don’t know very well support them for fundraisers for school or sports teams or supported efforts they have made to make $ (lawn mowing, babysitting) so I try to support and celebrate other people’s kids when I can. If a gift would be a $ hardship for you, send a nice card.

[Liziz]

Don't feel bad about skipping and it believe everyone saying you don't need to give a reason! A simple "thanks so much for the invite but I won't be able to attend. Hope you all have a wonderful time celebrating!" is all you need.

You definitely aren't obligated to send a gift in this situation. It's also totally fine to send one - if that's the case, I think personally I'd choose to send something for the wedding, not the shower -- but I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here!

[dogmom]

Miss Manners frequently get these kinds of suggestions. You owe the host a prompt reply on whether you can attend. Good wishes for the couple is a bonus. Whether to give a gift is decoupled from the invite. No one is “owed” a gift. The gift has nothing to do with the cost if the event. Maybe I’m just ornery, but in your situation I would decline both invites and ask around to see if anyone at work is doing a group gift, but that’s about it.