Force DD to Derm or Not?

[nfceagles]

So I swear my DD was sent to earth to make me feel like a failure as a mother.

Today’s issue. DD13 has struggled with acne since she was quite young. With her agreement we saw a dermatologist a couple years ago. Ointments/regime helps but definitely isn’t cutting it. DD uses self-deprecating humor and says she has pizza face and such. So this isn’t news to her. I struggled with acne as a kid but we all pretended it wasn’t there. Parents never took me to a doctor and I never found the nerve to ask. Always wish I had seen a derm. So we have since moved and we don’t have access to prior Derm. I called around and found a new place that came recommended. Told DD today that I had an appointment for her on Thursday afternoon. She started crying, said she didn’t want to go, and then quit talking to me. Been in her room since. So do I force her to go or cancel the appointment??? Ugh.

The other day she was mad at me because I told her I didn’t think she should shave her head. I just don’t have the first clue how to help. All I want to do is help her through this difficult time but she takes it all as proof that I think she’s ugly. How do other families simply take their kids to the dermatologist when they experience acne???


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jgenie]

I was in the same position with my DS1 (13) I would mention the acne but it didn’t seem to bother him. I scheduled an appointment for him because my DH had awful acne and I didn’t want DS1 to be teased about his acne. I focused on being concerned about scarring as the reason we went. I noticed yesterday that he has acne in his ears. I think he’s not washing well but I didn’t mention it because I don’t want him to feel like I’m always finding fault in him.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[Liziz]

Kids are hard! In your shoes at this point, I would probably go and talk to her and say something like "hey, I'm so sorry I didn't talk to you before I made this appointment! Since you'd been seeing Dr. <previous derm> and we can't see her anymore, I just wanted to get you set up with someone nearby. Why is it that you don't want to go?" It sounds like she didn't explain why she didn't want to go, and I would at least want to understand that.

Personally, I wouldn't force her to go - I try to give my kids as much bodily autonomy as possible, and as long as I wasn't concerned about a cancerous mole or something like that, I would let her decide. I know that as a kid I was resistant to going to a dermatologist for awhile (I honestly don't remember my reasoning) and my mom just left it open - "that's fine, if you change your mind at some point let me know and I'm happy to set it up" - and I appreciated the casual approach and (as I perceived it then) lack of major emotion or discussion about it from my parents.

[bisous]

So I swear my DD was sent to earth to make me feel like a failure as a mother.

Today’s issue. DD13 has struggled with acne since she was quite young. With her agreement we saw a dermatologist a couple years ago. Ointments/regime helps but definitely isn’t cutting it. DD uses self-deprecating humor and says she has pizza face and such. So this isn’t news to her. I struggled with acne as a kid but we all pretended it wasn’t there. Parents never took me to a doctor and I never found the nerve to ask. Always wish I had seen a derm. So we have since moved and we don’t have access to prior Derm. I called around and found a new place that came recommended. Told DD today that I had an appointment for her on Thursday afternoon. She started crying, said she didn’t want to go, and then quit talking to me. Been in her room since. So do I force her to go or cancel the appointment??? Ugh.

The other day she was mad at me because I told her I didn’t think she should shave her head. I just don’t have the first clue how to help. All I want to do is help her through this difficult time but she takes it all as proof that I think she’s ugly. How do other families simply take their kids to the dermatologist when they experience acne???


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So, just a few thoughts...

So I had acne as a teen. I still deal with it a little bit! I don't think I've been an adult that hasn't had to worry about a breakout but with the right treatments it is under control. One thing is that some kinds of acne are actually quite painful. It is nice to be free of that. Could you make this about comfort rather than looks? I feel sad that she is struggling but I admire people who accept their appearance and are happy with it. But as a person who has struggled with acne (and maybe you have found this as well?) my face feels so much better with treatment.

I know it is not the same, but in our type 1 diabetes circle, we run into kids that will just not try some of the new (really amazing) kinds of diabetes technology. They have complex and entrenched reasons for not wanting to try, everything from fear, to insecurity, to rebellion against the disease. One strategy that works well for many parents I know is essentially bribery. Maybe you could invite her to try the dermatologist and if she does, she can have x, y, or z incentive. Maybe even don't tie it to compliance with the treatment regimen. Maybe just bribe her to attend and speak with the dermatologist? Or it can be tiered, lol. Going to the derm brings x consequence, trying treatment gives y treatment. etc. I know so many kids with diabetes that have latched onto new and scary technologies that started that simply.

If that doesn't work, a final type 1 tactic is acceptance. Teens ultimately feel better when they can control their lives--that's why sweetening the deal for them helps but is tempered with the ultimate authority to say no anyway. I don't think I'd force a derm visit for acne. It doesn't have long-term medical repercussions. But I'd try a few things to see if I could persuade her to try anyway.

[carolinacool]

I focused on being concerned about scarring ad the reason we went.

Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

I think this is valid to mention. I've never had severe acne. But I've continued to have some minor issues as an adult. I have a few dark spots on my face from some particularly troublesome bumps in recent years. They don't really bother me, but I'm also not a teenage girl. I would hate for her to come back two or three years from now with light scarring and be angry that she didn't see a derm earlier. (I totally would have thrown my poor mother under the bus.)

[Kestrel]

That's really rough. Take a breath.

Is your DD in virtual school? We used that as an excuse - "we want to work on it now, so by the time you're back in school things will be better". You could also say that you're not able to see 'old dr' anymore, so we need to get set up with a new dr. And maybe you'll be able to find something that helps more.
Just don't imply that new dr will make it "all better"; that's a tough promise to keep with acne!

If all else fails, yes, I would make her go. She's 13, not 20. You've got at least a couple more years of acne, maybe more. You need to be an established patient with a baseline or it may be hard to get in as a new patient. It's no harm to listen to the Dr, things can change with new options for treatment, and you said it's been a couple of years. Hormone changes between 11 to 13 are huge! I would let her decide what treatment to follow, but not weather to be seen. IMO, she needs to be educated on her options before she decides what to do - or not do.

Also, if you do go, prepare her for the news that the Dr might want to put her on birth control pills, as a precaution with some medicines, and how your family and her feel about that. It's tough to discuss under the gun in the Dr office if it's not been brought up before. (It's been forty years, and I still remember my 16yo sister and parents arguing with each other about that!)

[khm]

I would try and get her to buy in. Just be plain that you have a derm appointment with a new doc and that's that. No different that a dentist, ortho or a haircut. It just is another appointment.

Tell her after we can go get Starbucks after, or hey that cute shoe store is near there and they sell ______, or whatever bribery might help. I get that she's a young teen and she just doesn't want to deal with it, that its embarrassing, but she'll thank.you.later. (Or roast you later if you don't convince her.)

I do have scarring and I HATE it. I would love to go back in time and have never had to have it happen.

[twowhat?]

Does she have a well-check coming up anytime soon? If so, call the ped ahead of time and get the ped in the loop! A pediatrician saying something like "you have gorgeous skin, and it's possible the acne could lead to permanent scars. Let's plan on seeing a derm" or something like that. If timing works out, the derm can also mention summer being a great time to do this because you don't have to worry about making up schoolwork.

My kids are younger, but my DD2 is equally difficult and I can remember a number of times the pediatrician has TOTALLY helped me out on stuff like this (even without me asking sometimes!). One time she was totally ignoring him and on her phone (RUDE) but he talked to her anyway and pretended she was listening and the next day she totally took his advice (of which I had been trying to get her to do for weeks). I'm sooo glad I didn't get on her for being on her phone while the doctor was talking to her hahaha but now nobody is allowed to be looking at their phones when the doctor (or nurse or whoever) comes in.

Or an adult friend that she loves and trusts? Sometimes it just comes down to hearing it from someone other than Mom.

And shaving head...I did that during the pandemic and it was one of my life's best decisions ever, LOL.

and re: this week's appointment...I think I'd keep it. But maybe call ahead and let them know you are bringing in a RELUCTANT TEEN and hopefully the derm will have some tricks up his/her sleeves.

[nfceagles]

Thank you everybody! For the helpful and calming words. Deep breaths. I always had dreams of raising a strong confident daughter and struggle figuring out how to help her when she’s so negative about everything and won’t even talk sometimes.

I think I’m going to combine a bribe with asking her to give this one appointment a chance. Then she can decide whether to return. Because I think it’s mostly about being shy and embarrassed. I did explain that I was just looking to find a local doctor since we can’t see the other one, but she was refusing to even respond to me.

She has been in person school almost all year but I think the masks provide some cover. I was actually trying to get an appointment so we could hopefully make some progress before next fall when I expect they will be maskless.

Re birth control options, will that require a pelvic exam with a gynecologist, because if I can barely get her to a Derm I don’t think I can face a gyn visit at this time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Tenasparkl]

I agree with the previous poster that said to treat the derm appointment like any other appointment. Sometimes you have to go to the dentist, pediatrician etc. This is the same thing. You also want the derm to check moles and any other skin issues, so it doesn't need to be solely for acne.

The head shaving thing is fascinating to me. My DD is around the same age and also really wants to shave her head. My husband convinced her to get a short cut to see how she likes it before going for the whole thing. She had a great presentation with her reasons why, so I don't want to discount that, but also don't want to deal with a very upset 13 year old that didn't realize her ears would stick out so much! Good luck!