How to shutdown critical comments with grandparents

[niccig]

I am sensitive about this as my mom is Queen of Critical comments. DH had MIL on speaker and they were talking about a graduation party we went to, where DS (16) stayed with adults talking rather than go break into group of 12 teenage girls (16-18 years ok) where he only knew 2 of the girls. MIL makes the stereotypical comment that DS as an only child gets along better with adults. I interrupt and say that’s not true, he has friends his age, but that large group of girls was intimidating. I don’t like going up to group of people I don’t know and join in. Why do we expect kids to just go join strangers?

Anyways, MIL is usually pretty good with only an occasional critical comment, unlike my mom. MIL is visiting soon, and I’d like a go-to phrase to shut down any judgement/criticism. I’m no longer tolerating that behavior. I do though need a less confrontational way to deal with it. I do acknowledge the judgey comments push buttons installed by my own mom and I can be forceful in my response.


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[hbridge]

It is SO HARD!!!! You are not alone. Definitely support your child in his decisions and let the family know that you support him. Who cares if he hangs out with adults at a party where he doesn't know anyone? Why does it matter to them? They may be looking for issues.

My DC is very UNIQUE. There are a ton of "teen" landmines that the family and friends are constantly stepping into. We support DC and their choices, let the family know when they are overstepping, and give DC space to vent after seeing family. If nothing else, DC knows that we have their back and support their decisions.

[niccig]

It is SO HARD!!!! You are not alone. Definitely support your child in his decisions and let the family know that you support him. Who cares if he hangs out with adults at a party where he doesn't know anyone? Why does it matter to them? They may be looking for issues.

My DC is very UNIQUE. There are a ton of "teen" landmines that the family and friends are constantly stepping into. We support DC and their choices, let the family know when they are overstepping, and give DC space to vent after seeing family. If nothing else, DC knows that we have their back and support their decisions.

I need help with the “let family know overstepping”. I get defensive of DS then angry at the family member and forceful in my response. I get loud when I get angry. It does shutdown the comments, but I’d rather not go this route. I need a go-to phrase to tell them to zip it and then I won’t get angry.


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[firstbaby]

OP, I don’t mean to be nosy and you do not need to respond, but my go to rinse and repeat mantras would depend on what the critical comments were. Critical of DS? Your family makeup (that he’s on only) etc. If it is critical of DS “he should do this or shouldn’t do that” I would come back with, “we fully support him owning his decisions, he’s old enough, etc”. Critical that he’s an only? “Well, MIL, that ship has sailed so no use going there”. Honestly, the “I’m sorry I’m not in a place to respond to that right now” can be a good cue that she’s overstepping and you aren’t going to feed the troll. (Not that she’s a troll, but may be trolling for a reaction)

[hbridge]

I usually wait and talk to DC, then let family know it is inappropriate and how they overstepped. If it is blatant, I will shut it down with as few words as possible. For example when the older generation asks if she has a boyfriend, I will respond with something like “that is not important, please let her be”. DC and I will then discuss what happened later and I will ask how they want me to respond.

[gatorsmom]

I’ve learned a few of these “shutdown” comments over the years, unfortunately. There are a few things you could do. You could 1- redirect the criticism onto the person making the comment. Call them out. Something like, “it’s not kind to criticize your grandson,” “you should be more supportive of your grandson and less critical; don’t you think?” “He needs your love and support, not your snide comments.”

2- Passive aggressive guilt trip : “ It’s shameful the way people expect so much of kids these days, isn’t it? Kids have it hard enough without having to worry about acting a certain way or criticism for being something they aren’t. It’s really hard on their mental health. I really wish more people would consider how hurtful their words are.” “kids these days have it hard enough. They need loving parents and grandparents, not more criticism.”

3- Counter the comment, and stand up for him- “He’s acting so mature for his age! Many boys his age would be trying to show off and act stupid in front of those girls. Don’t you think his behavior is impressive? I am so proud of him!”

I found that the more i stood up to those kinds or comments made by people in my family, the less often they made them. Best of luck!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think the problem is that there's some ambiguity as whether they are actually being critical or if your hackles are raised for any comment from them. Are you projecting something more than what they are saying just because they annoy you but not so much that what they said was really meant to be a dig or a criticism? There a re a few people in my world that I seem to always be poised to react to them negatively. Probably one time, ages ago, they said something negative and meant it now all of my interactions are viewed through that lens.
But, as an outsider just hearing the idea that ds is a single therefor maybe more comfortable around adults doesn't sound like a put down. And, you know he has friends and gets along with his peers, there could be a grain of truth to him interacting well with adults. That's really not a bad thing and odds are they didn't mean it that way.
My best strategy with the people that I am inclined to react poorly to is to be ready to walk away or change the subject as needed.

[niccig]

OP, I don’t mean to be nosy and you do not need to respond, but my go to rinse and repeat mantras would depend on what the critical comments were. Critical of DS? Your family makeup (that he’s on only) etc. If it is critical of DS “he should do this or shouldn’t do that” I would come back with, “we fully support him owning his decisions, he’s old enough, etc”. Critical that he’s an only? “Well, MIL, that ship has sailed so no use going there”. Honestly, the “I’m sorry I’m not in a place to respond to that right now” can be a good cue that she’s overstepping and you aren’t going to feed the troll. (Not that she’s a troll, but may be trolling for a reaction)

I was angry at the BS that only children don’t have social skills with other kids. DS does get along well with adults, and he also gets along well with other kids. Him not wanting to break into a large group of teen girls had nothing to do with he’s being an only child. There are several girls in his friend group, so he’s fine around girls he knows. I didn’t say much to the graduating girl who we know well, because she was busy with her large group of friends.

I did shut it down with a forceful “that is not true” which may stop future comments. MIL does not like confrontation and anytime in the past I’ve shut something down, she’s been very careful around me. I no longer tolerate critical comments from my family, so while MIL is mostly OK, I’ve got no forks to give, and I’ll call you out. I’d just like to say something in a firm way but not with anger.


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[niccig]

I think the problem is that there's some ambiguity as whether they are actually being critical or if your hackles are raised for any comment from them. Are you projecting something more than what they are saying just because they annoy you but not so much that what they said was really meant to be a dig or a criticism? There a re a few people in my world that I seem to always be poised to react to them negatively. Probably one time, ages ago, they said something negative and meant it now all of my interactions are viewed through that lens.
But, as an outsider just hearing the idea that ds is a single therefor maybe more comfortable around adults doesn't sound like a put down. And, you know he has friends and gets along with his peers, there could be a grain of truth to him interacting well with adults. That's really not a bad thing and odds are they didn't mean it that way.
My best strategy with the people that I am inclined to react poorly to is to be ready to walk away or change the subject as needed.

She wasn’t saying he gets along well with adults, it was the BS negative of only children don’t get along with other kids. I told DH afterwards it was BS, DS has friends but the girl group was intimidating to him. DH tried to defend his mom so I then asked him how many new people he talked to at the party as he just talked to the friends we knew so if we don’t go up to a strange group of people the same age as us, why is it a negative that DS didn’t want to do it?

I think the hackles being raised is that I deflected or walked away from my mother’s criticisms my entire life and I won’t do that anymore. But I also don’t want to get angry when I call it out. I need a middle ground


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[niccig]

I’ve learned a few of these “shutdown” comments over the years, unfortunately. There are a few things you could do. You could 1- redirect the criticism onto the person making the comment. Call them out. Something like, “it’s not kind to criticize your grandson,” “you should be more supportive of your grandson and less critical; don’t you think?” “He needs your love and support, not your snide comments.”

2- Passive aggressive guilt trip : “ It’s shameful the way people expect so much of kids these days, isn’t it? Kids have it hard enough without having to worry about acting a certain way or criticism for being something they aren’t. It’s really hard on their mental health. I really wish more people would consider how hurtful their words are.” “kids these days have it hard enough. They need loving parents and grandparents, not more criticism.”

3- Counter the comment, and stand up for him- “He’s acting so mature for his age! Many boys his age would be trying to show off and act stupid in front of those girls. Don’t you think his behavior is impressive? I am so proud of him!”

I found that the more i stood up to those kinds or comments made by people in my family, the less often they made them. Best of luck!

That’s what I’m hoping, by standing up to these comments they’ll say them less. My sister and I have been talking about this lately. You can either build someone up or tear them down, it’s your choice. I’ve been trying to not only not say something critical, but working on not having critical thoughts. Most things people are critical about for others have nothing to do with them, it’s none of their business.


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