Update—Now what? Not sure where to go with this…

[gatorsmom]

Update- you guys were so helpful with this problem that I thought you might like an update. Dh and I and our oldest 2 boys visited some colleges out of town recently. It was great for Ds1. It put a little distance between him and his girlfriend which he desperately needed. She was getting really clingy and needy, pushing away her friends and wanting to spend all her time with Ds1. He was feeling frustrated and claustrophobic. Before he left he told her he wanted her to make more friends, at least contact them and do something’s with them or he wasn’t going to continue dating her. While he was gone she took his advice. She is rebuilding friendships and is enrolled at our school next year. There are at least 3 girls in her class who she knows and likes (out of a class of 10). Her parents took the suicide attempt very seriously and she is now working with a therapist who has experience with teenage issues and teenage suicide and at a reduced rate. Ds1 told me that her parents started her on Prozac (which is what Ds1 takes. I had told the parents how well it works for 2 of my kids). Apparently while we were out of town they did take their daughter to see her pediatrician and they started her on Prozac. These are HUGE wins for the girlfriend. If you follow the threads you’ll see how we struggled to find therapy at a rate the parents could afford and how deeply they were frozen with fear and in denial about it. Ds1 said that things are looking up and and after that trip, she’s more positive and they enjoy doing things together again. It’s a very positive outcome.
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A couple of weeks ago I posted that my Ds1 was dating a sweet 16yo girl who is struggling with anxiety, cutting, and suicidal thoughts. I told her parents 2 weeks ago about her attempted suicide. They seemed very concerned, choked up and beside themselves with worry when I told them. They told their daughter they would look into a therapist they knew and trusted to get her started. As far as Ds1 knows, she has not yet seen any therapist. Ds1 took his girlfriend to the County Health department where they offer therapy on a sliding scale and have a 24 hour hotline. She went there and they told her they do not have any therapists at the moment taking new clients. They are booked.

A huge thank you to Pinkmomagain for suggesting openpathcollective.org because I found an experienced therapist in the area who will charge less based on a demonstrated need. This girls’ family is struggling financially. I emailed a link for this therapist to Ds1 and told him that his girlfriend really needs to pursue this.

What else can I do? She uses her iPod and wifi to call friends. She doesn’t have a phone. Tonight she was on hold for 45 minutes with Robbies Hope (online suicide resource in Colorado) before she could speak with someone. Ds1 had a prior commitment he needed to get to but felt he should stay on the line with her. What’s my next step to help this girl? Is it appropriate for me to pay the openpathcollective membership fee so she can start online counseling? This girl has a job so could pay for some of this therapy and take some of the financial burden off her parents. Or do I call her parents again and ask them what the hell is taking so long? My son cannot be her sole means of psychological support. We care about her deeply but I also worry about the stress on my son.

Here is the previous thread I posted: https://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/sh...53#post4398453

[petesgirl]

Ugh, I don't know!! That is such a hard position to be in! I just don't know if there is much else you can do without it seeming like stepping on the parent's toes. Maybe paying her membership fee would work if you could kind of do it anonymously and she can just tell her parents that an anonymous donor paid it, otherwise I'm afraid getting involved financially is walking on thin ice. Is the membership fee the only fee with the Open Path, or will she still need to pay for individual sessions?

[gatorsmom]

Ugh, I don't know!! That is such a hard position to be in! I just don't know if there is much else you can do without it seeming like stepping on the parent's toes. Maybe paying her membership fee would work if you could kind of do it anonymously and she can just tell her parents that an anonymous donor paid it, otherwise I'm afraid getting involved financially is walking on thin ice. Is the membership fee the only fee with the Open Path, or will she still need to pay for individual sessions?

She will still need to pay for individual sessions which can range from $30-$60 per session. However, with our County Health department not taking new clients, and the pathway therapists available online, this appears to be a good solution. The therapist I found has several years experience dealing with teen with similar issues. She sounds like a really good fit.

[echoesofspring]

ugh, this is such a scary situation! Reading back through some of the updates it sounds like your best bet might be the father, except for his lack of communication with his wife, sigh. I think i would reach out again and offer to pay the fee for the open collective. It's tricky territory but it's also $60 so you're not offering hundreds of dollars and she's going to need someone to help her follow through so I think they should be involved or it's going to continue to fall to you and your DS. If you do it anonymously they'll know right? It sounds like the mother doesn't understand that her daughter needs an ongoing relationship with someone and it's going to take more than one session. I also would follow up with the county health dept, as it sounds like they turned her away without providing alternative resources, and I don't know what the protocol is in this situation it doesn't seem like it should be to turn away someone who's suicidal without at least giving them alt paths to help.

[gatorsmom]

ugh, this is such a scary situation! Reading back through some of the updates it sounds like your best bet might be the father, except for his lack of communication with his wife, sigh. I think i would reach out again and offer to pay the fee for the open collective. It's tricky territory but it's also $60 so you're not offering hundreds of dollars and she's going to need someone to help her follow through so I think they should be involved or it's going to continue to fall to you and your DS. If you do it anonymously they'll know right? It sounds like the mother doesn't understand that her daughter needs an ongoing relationship with someone and it's going to take more than one session. I also would follow up with the county health dept, as it sounds like they turned her away without providing alternative resources, and I don't know what the protocol is in this situation it doesn't seem like it should be to turn away someone who's suicidal without at least giving them alt paths to help.

I can offer the money through my son. Maybe if the parents think that my son is doing this for their daughter they will feel guilty and step up. He is after all just a 17yo kid. He shouldn’t be paying for therapy for their daughter. They are really kind people. I think they are just having a hard time keeping up with all their responsibilities right now.

[petesgirl]

I guess you could reach out to the dad again with the info you have found about Open Path and offer to pay the membership fee but if they have financial struggles will they be able to afford individual sessions, even after that? I know if it was my kid I would take out a loan if needed to keep my child from committing suicide and I may even do that before accepting help from another family I barely know because it can be very hard to have others know you are struggling with money.

[California]

ugh, this is such a scary situation! Reading back through some of the updates it sounds like your best bet might be the father, except for his lack of communication with his wife, sigh. I think i would reach out again and offer to pay the fee for the open collective. It's tricky territory but it's also $60 so you're not offering hundreds of dollars and she's going to need someone to help her follow through so I think they should be involved or it's going to continue to fall to you and your DS. If you do it anonymously they'll know right? It sounds like the mother doesn't understand that her daughter needs an ongoing relationship with someone and it's going to take more than one session. I also would follow up with the county health dept, as it sounds like they turned her away without providing alternative resources, and I don't know what the protocol is in this situation it doesn't seem like it should be to turn away someone who's suicidal without at least giving them alt paths to help.

The protocol should be that if they (staff st the county office) think she is an immediate danger to herself they call 911 and the teen is temporarily admitted to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation. I’ve seen this happen twice locally and both times it was very upsetting for the families involved- and it also was the catalyst for getting the teens stabilized and fast tracked into specialized therapy programs. This teen sounds like she is very close to needing this type of intervention. StantonHyde works on the hospital side and would have more info on this.

Lisa, does the small private school your son attends have a school counselor on staff? Since this is impacting your son, at this point I’d reach out to the school counselor and/or your son’s therapist. Ask them for insights into your local services. I’d share everything and then follow their advice. I’ve realized in my earlier responses I was writing from the point of view of an educator with a school team, and that changes how I am perceived by parents. These parents may take you more seriously if you say, “DS’s therapist says this needs to take place immediately...”

Lisa, one thing above wondered- has the teen gone to therapy in the past, or even met with her former school counselor? You mentioned that the mom said the daughter should try her deep breathing and I’m wondering where that originated.

[JustMe]

Does she actually have health insurance? It is true that deductible and copays for mental health can be high, but not always. If she does not have health insurance, I am wondering if she would qualify for medicaid. Even with insurance, if she has crazy deductible and copays that prevent her from getting needed services, she may be able to get medicaid as a secondary insurance. Openpath can be a good solution, but I am wondering if she would benefit from something even more intensive, if she had the funding for it. There are day treatment programs that have half or whole day long treatment programs several times/week and medicaid pays for some of them.

I don't think its a bad idea to call her parents again, although I understand that is not pleasant. I would want to hear if they are saying money is the issue or, if not, what the issue is, as far as accessing therapy.

[gatorsmom]

I just called and spoke to the mom. She is stuck on the fact that her daughter saw a therapist a few years ago and it didn’t really help her. Or it did help her then but now blames her daughter for not continuing to do the work the therapist then advised. The mom seems concerned but frustrated. The mom has also been asking her daughter how are you doing today? Do you want ti talk about anything? Can I help with anything? And her daughter shuts her out. The mom does not understand why. The daughter told us that the reason she shuts her mom out is because she’s not really listening. When daughter talks about her concerns, mom very matter-of-factly puts it back on her daughter. “Well are you doing the work that therapist told you to do? Are still doing the positive affirmations?” I tried to explain to the mom that what the therapist did before is not what her daughter needs now. It’s become much more serious now. Whether she has new fears and this is something totally different, I don’t know. But then I told the mom her daughter spent 30 minutes in a suicide chat room last night. When no one responded, Ds1 stayed on the phone with her. The mom proceeded to tell me additional things she is doing to help. It sounds like she is running into dead ends trying to find a therapist too.

I forwarded her the name of this openpathways.org therapist I found. Hopefully it will help her.

The dad sounds kind and loving but is frozen with fear and denial. The mom is the take-charge sort who is having trouble slowing down to listen with empathy. I’ve been both those people so I get it. Please send p and pt for this family and any more suggestions you have.

[KpbS]

Ugh is right. This poor girl needs a professional ASAP.

I agree you should be concerned about your DS. This is too much for a teenager to bear alone. Honestly, I don’t know that I would expect the parents to do much more. They sound pretty hands off and probably in denial even though they obviously care. They are overwhelmed, financially and emotionally probably.

If she is calling a hotline (and needs to be) she needs immediate help. How much is the membership fee? If she can pay for the session, I’d make her the offer to pay for the membership. (((Hugs)))