Update—Now what? Not sure where to go with this…

[dogmom]

I agree with this. The primary care physician has resources and can check in with her and her parents in the short and long term.A medical professional needs to be involved and that’s not a role for you or DS.


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Unfortunately there weren’t enough therapist for adults well enough kids before the pandemic. Now they are all just out straight and can’t possible take all the clients that need them. That coupled with crappy mental health coverage most insurance supplies it’s just bad out there. I do agree with trying the PCP. Maybe they have ideas. I’m afraid that very motivated parents can’t find help for their kids right now, so if there is any resistance the GF is in trouble.

That and the concept of doing daily affirmations for suicidal ideations just makes me want to go slap a bunch of “wellness”
people. Sorry to be such a downer.

[gatorsmom]

Unfortunately there weren’t enough therapist for adults well enough kids before the pandemic. Now they are all just out straight and can’t possible take all the clients that need them. That coupled with crappy mental health coverage most insurance supplies it’s just bad out there. I do agree with trying the PCP. Maybe they have ideas. I’m afraid that very motivated parents can’t find help for their kids right now, so if there is any resistance the GF is in trouble.

That and the concept of doing daily affirmations for suicidal ideations just makes me want to go slap a bunch of “wellness”
people. Sorry to be such a downer.

Well, the good news is that so many more therapists are now doing telehealth. But yeah, Ds1 and I agreed suggesting positive affirmations are like putting a bandaid on a 6” gash.

I emailed Ds’s therapist and she put me in touch with a while host of resources which I’ve been calling all afternoon. This is all coming at the busiest possible time for me and Ds1. But I spoke to Ds1 and the mother had been telling me things she was doing to help her daughter. Um no, turns out Ds1 made those calls she took credit for. So I will be looking into these resources because otherwise I don’t think it will get done. Tomorrow morning I plan to call Wisconsin Medicaid/Badgercare to find out if this girl can request Medicaid on her own or if she needs parental approval/assistance. If not, I left messages with 4 other counseling services who charge on a sliding scale to see if they are accepting new clients. I might email a couple more therapists on the openpathways.org website since I didn’t hear from the last one I emailed (I admit I might be impatient).

I actually spoke to a woman today who said she was in exactly my position. She suggested either I or Ds1 attend a codependency session for our own mental health and gave me a website! So at least I’m going to get some therapy out if all this. I guess that’s progress.

[gatorsmom]

If she is comfortable with her primary care physician, she should see him/her and discuss. The doc may be able to get her into therapy or inpatient sooner and/or could potentially prescribe something that could help. Therapy isn’t always a cure all, and even if she gets an appointment, she might not connect with the therapist.

I agree with this. The primary care physician has resources and can check in with her and her parents in the short and long term.A medical professional needs to be involved and that’s not a role for you or DS.


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These are really good suggestions. I already told the parents that because of all the Tylenol she took, they need to schedule a check-up. At the appointment they should ask if the doctors can provide resources. I think I’ll call both parents tomorrow and push some more.

[petesgirl]

If she is comfortable with her primary care physician, she should see him/her and discuss. The doc may be able to get her into therapy or inpatient sooner and/or could potentially prescribe something that could help. Therapy isn’t always a cure all, and even if she gets an appointment, she might not connect with the therapist.

I agree, this seems like the best course forward. Primary care docs have some mental health training these days.

[Globetrotter]

I agree, this seems like the best course forward. Primary care docs have some mental health training these days.

also there is less stigma to see a PCP, so that might be a good way to initiate it.
I agree that even the most motivated parents struggle so this is going to be a challenge

[Globetrotter]

I agree, this seems like the best course forward. Primary care docs have some mental health training these days.

also there is less stigma to see a PCP, so that might be a good way to initiate it.
I agree that even the most motivated parents struggle so this is going to be a challenge

[DualvansMommy]

Oh my gosh. What an ordeal. I really worry for your DS, it’s way too much of a burden for him to handle, even with your guardianship and advice.

I used to work in mental health field, and it’s such a system that only very very determined involved people get through to get proper help. It’s such a barrier for MANY people, and countless many other families. That’s what it sounds like for this girls parents. They live on a farm? Presumably have all the major responsibilities owning a farm they need to handle, on top of raising other kids. It isn’t that surprising the therapy/mental health is such a low priority for them, especially when in their mind, it was already tried by them with not much success. That’s another thing about mental health access, it’s such that very often people give up after trying once, or several times due to lack of right fit, finding the endurance to keep at it.

I would really focus on getting the girl to her primary doctor who can make a proper assessment and mandatory reporter. DS is your bigger concern frankly, he’s spending so much time with her, that his well being is likely to get compromised at some point.

Medicaid is tricky. Its all about income. And whether if her parents are willing to undertake the myriad paperwork that gets their DD services. It isn’t just a case of you filling out forms for her, as it’s very likely needing parental consent/undertaking.

She needs help. I hate the system here so much that I often cried in my old job. That’s how frustrating it was for me, and those patients weren’t even my kids or personal to me. I can’t even imagine everyone’s level of despair at this point, Lisa. Please take care of yourself too. Don’t get dragged down by this.


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[StantonHyde]

1. Start with the PCP. This girl likely needs more than therapy--she probably needs meds. The PCP can start those. Our psychiatric hospital offers a program where PCPs can ask for a consult, the psychiatrist reviews the chart and recommends what meds to prescribe. You would be fine with an APRN or PA--any "prescriber".
2. You are NOT going to get her into anybody fast. There just are not enough resources to go around right now. Maybe some online service, but that is costly and likely to be self pay only. We are talking 6-8 weeks out, easily.
3. In the meantime, have her call the county/state suicide hot line. That could keep her afloat.
4. If she has thoughts of suicide, has a clearly thought out plan, has the means to carry out the plan, and the intent to carry out the plan--she can get admitted to a psych hospital. For that you have to go first to an ER. And the crisis worker there has to see all of this and recommend that she be admitted. It can take 1-4 days in the ER before she gets admitted to a psych bed. I am not joking.
5. Yes, you and your son need counseling for codependency. This girl needs help, absolutely and you are going to have to work on boundaries.
6. Medicaid varies by state. It takes a looooong time to get someone Medicaid if they have someone who can pay for them. And then there is the issue that very few providers take Medicaid. not the best route to go.
7. The only way to make stuff happen fast is probably via some online/virtual therapy that you pay for regardless of cost. Not sure how well that is going to fly with the parents. And that person isn't local so not always the best.
8. Asking your son's therapist for resources is good, talking to the school counseling is good. Seriously, work any connection you have.

[gatorsmom]

1. Start with the PCP. This girl likely needs more than therapy--she probably needs meds. The PCP can start those. Our psychiatric hospital offers a program where PCPs can ask for a consult, the psychiatrist reviews the chart and recommends what meds to prescribe. You would be fine with an APRN or PA--any "prescriber".
2. You are NOT going to get her into anybody fast. There just are not enough resources to go around right now. Maybe some online service, but that is costly and likely to be self pay only. We are talking 6-8 weeks out, easily.
3. In the meantime, have her call the county/state suicide hot line. That could keep her afloat.
4. If she has thoughts of suicide, has a clearly thought out plan, has the means to carry out the plan, and the intent to carry out the plan--she can get admitted to a psych hospital. For that you have to go first to an ER. And the crisis worker there has to see all of this and recommend that she be admitted. It can take 1-4 days in the ER before she gets admitted to a psych bed. I am not joking.
5. Yes, you and your son need counseling for codependency. This girl needs help, absolutely and you are going to have to work on boundaries.
6. Medicaid varies by state. It takes a looooong time to get someone Medicaid if they have someone who can pay for them. And then there is the issue that very few providers take Medicaid. not the best route to go.
7. The only way to make stuff happen fast is probably via some online/virtual therapy that you pay for regardless of cost. Not sure how well that is going to fly with the parents. And that person isn't local so not always the best.
8. Asking your son's therapist for resources is good, talking to the school counseling is good. Seriously, work any connection you have.

Rebecca, this is very, very helpful. The next time I contact this family, I will push the primary care appointment. Yesterday Ds1’s therapist gave me some excellent resources and I’m chasing down those leads, waiting for return calls today. One just called me back and told me they do have openings in the next week or so but they do not work on a sliding scale. Their therapists charge different amounts based on their various levels of experience and training. But I also found out that there would be no out-of-pocket expense if their daughter was on Badgercare/Medicaid. I have no idea if that family would be willing to pursue Badgercare. Ds1 told me that her family told her they found a therapist in this tiny town near their house. That likely means they mean the one I found them through old pathways.org. I guess that’s good it means 1)they are listening to me, and 2) they are willing to try whatever come available. I hope this means they tried to contact that therapist because she still hasn’t returned my original email. Once all my phone calls are returned, I’m going to write them an email with names, numbers and info about Badgercare.

Yesterday Ds1 told me he’s tired of his girlfriends’ clingyness and neediness. He’s working during the day now and can’t really take her calls so she is struggling. Before his job, he didn’t mind her frequent calls and enjoyed the attention. But he loves his job and hates feeling obligated to take her calls when he’s in the middle of some physical work with his boss around him. It’s a good lesson for him to learn patience when he’s irritated or interrupted (something he’s not got a great role model for. Dh and I are both bad at this). I’m coaching him through setting up some gentle boundaries with her. His therapist is also encouraging him to set up some boundaries. Hopefully we are helping him and her through this. He’s experiencing serious stress right now (also finishing up his Eagle project) but these are all things he’d have to deal with as an adult and he’s learning how to do it with adult support so maybe this is good timing.

Sorry, I’m rambling. I think the situation is moving in a healthy direction, just wayyy too slowly. I can’t express how grateful I am to everyone who responded here. I’ve chased down all your tips and ideas. You guys may have made the difference for this girl and her family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[hbridge]

You are a good person to be doing all of this leg work. AT this point, you have done so much, I would recommend putting it all in one comprehensive e-mail to both of the parents and the teen, then stepping back. Encourage your son to do the same. You cannot take this on and neither can an 18 year old boy. The teen and her family need to figure this out. You need to focus on your own life and family, while your son needs to focus on his future and his dreams. You have truly done all that you could.

Also, if you want to give any further advice, I would encourage some one-on-one time with the teen and her mom. Doing something fun, low key, and enjoyable; with no expectations. It sounds like they need to spend some time reconnecting. Even a lunch, coffee, hike... just the two of them can do wonders. The fact that the teen felt the need to record what her mom said to her is concerning. First of all, it's illegal if the mom wasn't informed ahead of time, but it also shows that the teen is looking for "documentation" of how her parents are treating her, that could indicate a lack of trust. THAT is a concern that needs to be addressed by the parents with time to connect. It is a tough thing to do when the world is spinning quickly and demands on time are everywhere, but it is so important to their relationship and the teens mental health.

Please know that you have done all that you can. Pass the information on and remind your son that he is not responsible for his girlfriend or solving her problems. She is lucky to have him, but he needs to protect himself too.