How to go about outsourcing domestic/household work

[#2ontheway]

You’ve gotten some good suggestions to yourself original question. But as someone that is a little older with a 15 and now 18 year old I encourage you to examine some of the underlying issue when you catch your breath. I don’t know hour values, expectations or general temperament, and they all play into this. Add to that societal pressures and your marriage and it is a lot of threads to tease out and examine. All I can tell you is that coming out from the other side is it gets somewhat easier, but it also gets lonelier. So much time is taken up by just stuff and chores and mor stuff when the kids are younger it’s ridiculous. My kids didn’t continue sports in HS so that freed up a lot of time. Then I could just say, “feed yourself” at times. They got put in charge of their laundry and a I just don’t go into their bathroom anymore. Some of this is I need them to learn to do basic stuff now so they are adults. At the same time I’m relearning what it is to have blocks of unscheduled time and how to manage it. I wish I had started the process earlier of figuring out what a I really want to do with my time and not get caught up in what other people want. (seriously, how did mani/pedis become and actual self care thing? I don’t get it.). It now has me reading, walking dogs, sometimes hiking, cooking food I want to cook and the family can learn to like it. I don’t need to have parents of my kids friends over anymore so I don’t care if my house doesn’t look like theirs. I spend a lot more time with my DH than kids now. A I have fewer friends and that’s fine. I’ve tried to step back my intensity of my work.

I know this seems all so overwhelming now. But no amount of outsourcing really got at my issues. I’m in a much more settled place now. (I swear a good chunk of it was hitting menopause and getting rid of those annoying hormones.) So try all those things posters are suggesting, but learn to let some things go. I learned if my kitchen and bedroom as clean I could cope with everything else, for example. I also stopped worrying about school forms. If they got in late, they got in late. I stopped worrying about it. Yearly checkup 6 months late? They were fine. Meanwhile I tried things out, stopped thing to change things around me, and just was. Also if your spouse is telling you to do what you want that makes you happy, believe them and do it. Don’t start making a list of why you can’t go away or go to the gym or whatever because X, Y, Z. Most of the stuff really is unnecessary that we get caught up in. If you are doing it make it because that is a positive choice you are making.

That’s all I got.

Oh, I hear you. And I'm a "little older" too. I have definitely let some things go since sharing a household with other people and there are plenty of ways I'm not running things perfectly (talking to you, pile of magazines and bills and filing on the kitchen counter). But - I also have decided that it's completely legitimate for me to honor how I want to live and what's important to me in a household, and I can and should stand up for that. There are little things I do that bring me peace and a sense of order. I can for the most part ignore the chaos in my kids' rooms, but I make my bed almost every day. I haven't had a mani or pedi in years, but I am someone who showered every day even when I had babies. We all figure out what's important to us. I really don't feel like societal pressures play a role in it for me.

I have worked from home for the past 15 years, for better or worse, and I know that one of my challenges is that I need to stay in my office and focus on work even if there is a pile of dirty laundry. But - since I know the dirty laundry bugs me and distracts me, I would love to find a way to get it done other than me doing it!

My spouse, honestly, is just kind of clueless. He has no concept of all the invisible labor I do. He doesn't think we should be paying anyone to clean at all. I've told him it's a nonnegotiable. We can afford it. He also tends to try to pass off tasks to me, and I ping it right back. I don't have to be the one to plan that vacation or send that birthday gift or be home when we get the windows cleaned. I could go on and on. But I also recognize that there are limits on how much progress I'll make with him, and it's time to find other solutions. (He has his good qualities too. )

Appreciate all the tips.

[dogmom]

Oh, I hear you. And I'm a "little older" too. I have definitely let some things go since sharing a household with other people and there are plenty of ways I'm not running things perfectly (talking to you, pile of magazines and bills and filing on the kitchen counter). But - I also have decided that it's completely legitimate for me to honor how I want to live and what's important to me in a household, and I can and should stand up for that. There are little things I do that bring me peace and a sense of order. I can for the most part ignore the chaos in my kids' rooms, but I make my bed almost every day. I haven't had a mani or pedi in years, but I am someone who showered every day even when I had babies. We all figure out what's important to us. I really don't feel like societal pressures play a role in it for me.

I have worked from home for the past 15 years, for better or worse, and I know that one of my challenges is that I need to stay in my office and focus on work even if there is a pile of dirty laundry. But - since I know the dirty laundry bugs me and distracts me, I would love to find a way to get it done other than me doing it!

My spouse, honestly, is just kind of clueless. He has no concept of all the invisible labor I do. He doesn't think we should be paying anyone to clean at all. I've told him it's a nonnegotiable. We can afford it. He also tends to try to pass off tasks to me, and I ping it right back. I don't have to be the one to plan that vacation or send that birthday gift or be home when we get the windows cleaned. I could go on and on. But I also recognize that there are limits on how much progress I'll make with him, and it's time to find other solutions. (He has his good qualities too. )

Appreciate all the tips.

Thanks for the details, I think I have a better handle on hour situation.

So if I were you I would see this as two distinct jobs. First is carving out a space in your house where you don’t feel assaulted by a constant to do list. The second is the actually labor division and trying to off load some of it.

I would look at your office area and see what you can do to make it more inviting to spend time in. They I would search for a secondary office area. I mean in a real office you have a colleagues office, a break room, even the coffee shop next door. So find a nook in your kitchen, get a corner of your bedroom with a reading chair and a bookcase, your deck with a new chair and a side table, etc. Maybe you can go there with a cup of coffee and read over a report or do a zoom meeting, etc. it gives you this “safe” zone for you to go to going the day that is still office, but not in the office. Just make it clear with the family if they mess with the area or anything in view of this area you will take all their electronic devices away, including your husband. Just make it non-negotiable. Of course pick and area that isn’t in the middle of the living room. They can cope. That way for 8 hours don’t the day you have a couple spaces to go to where you can pretend you are still in work space and not your frustrating household.

As far as outsourcing, that’s a little tougher. When I was single and had a crazy schedule and no washer dryer I just dropped off my clothes to be washed and folded. I realize the suburbs don’t have those places and loading up a families worth of clothes to drop off is an pain. So maybe something else would be useful? would your husband agree to a twice a year deep clean and a once a month someone comes and does the bathrooms clean and some general light clean? It will probably be the same amount of money as every other week, but he doesn’t need to know that. I found that worked better for me because I knew everything got a decent clean every month and a I didn’t feel like I was running around trying to clean the house for the cleaners every other week. I know some poeople no have dropped some family meals in favor of family breakfasts because it still gets people together but with less cooking. Wouldn’t work for me, but it does for some. I think there are different ways to approach this.

Also, husbands can change. I almost fainted when my DH announced he booked the flu vaccines for the kids a couple years ago. I didn’t even know he knew the pediatricians number. My foggy premenopausal brain kept forgetting to book them the year before and they never got them apparently that made an impression. He’s gotten much better about that stuff as I’ve gotten more forgetful. At one point he was asking me “Don’t you removed telling be X detail about this Y thing we need to do?” I was, “No”. “Yeah, it was X thing at Z time, don’t you remember Y detail?” “NO.” He repeats twice more. “Oh, I believe you, I just have no memory of it and I don’t seem to care that much.” There was a long silence. I said, “So what’s it like being on the other side.” Him “It sucks.”

[Kestrel]

I've done personal chef work. For 4 hours/2x week I can prep a lettuce salad, cut/clean enough fruit and veg to last a few days, prepare the night's dinner and set up for the next day. So, make Monday night's dinner, plus cut/marinate steak, wash/season baking potatoes, and prepare veg for the steamer.... so you come home Tuesday, pop in the potatoes, dump the veg in the steamer and grill the steak. Then come back Thursday and do that's night dinner, plus prep, plus make pasta sauce for the crockpot that you just have to put in the machine and start for Friday. You don't have to have someone there every day to make a difference in your eating healthy. Plus, the tween/teen boys were much more likely to put fruit/veg in their lunchboxes when it was cleaned and cut already.

I was going to start doing some laundry for this family, but when the boys found out I would be folding their underpants, they decided they'd do their own. Win for everyone - but the teens.

[AnnieW625]

I've done personal chef work. For 4 hours/2x week I can prep a lettuce salad, cut/clean enough fruit and veg to last a few days, prepare the night's dinner and set up for the next day. So, make Monday night's dinner, plus cut/marinate steak, wash/season baking potatoes, and prepare veg for the steamer.... so you come home Tuesday, pop in the potatoes, dump the veg in the steamer and grill the steak. Then come back Thursday and do that's night dinner, plus prep, plus make pasta sauce for the crockpot that you just have to put in the machine and start for Friday. You don't have to have someone there every day to make a difference in your eating healthy. Plus, the tween/teen boys were much more likely to put fruit/veg in their lunchboxes when it was cleaned and cut already.

I was going to start doing some laundry for this family, but when the boys found out I would be folding their underpants, they decided they'd do their own. Win for everyone - but the teens.

Just curious how much were you charging? We’re you in a high COL area? (I am just being extremely nosy)


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[jgenie]

I've done personal chef work. For 4 hours/2x week I can prep a lettuce salad, cut/clean enough fruit and veg to last a few days, prepare the night's dinner and set up for the next day. So, make Monday night's dinner, plus cut/marinate steak, wash/season baking potatoes, and prepare veg for the steamer.... so you come home Tuesday, pop in the potatoes, dump the veg in the steamer and grill the steak. Then come back Thursday and do that's night dinner, plus prep, plus make pasta sauce for the crockpot that you just have to put in the machine and start for Friday. You don't have to have someone there every day to make a difference in your eating healthy. Plus, the tween/teen boys were much more likely to put fruit/veg in their lunchboxes when it was cleaned and cut already.

I was going to start doing some laundry for this family, but when the boys found out I would be folding their underpants, they decided they'd do their own. Win for everyone - but the teens.

I sooo wanted this when my kids were little. I would have paid whatever the chef asked! I didn’t cook pre-Covid. During those early years DH would cook when he came home and we would eat late but as my DC grew I realized they needed to eat meals versus deconstructed meals and at an earlier time. I was so unprepared for that. The covid silver lining in our house is that I tackled learning to cook. Nothing like being forced to stay home to finally kick the excuses.

[carolinamama]

When my 3 were young, we had a nanny, actually 3 spanned the 4-5 years. Of course they were hired for childcare, and it was their priority, but they also did the kids' laundry, cleaned up kid messes and fed them with food we had on hand. I did not prepare the meals so they were simple but left me out of it. We didn't expect any cleaning as our cleaning person did it weekly. They also did little things such as take out the garbage, organize toys, and let the dog out. (We didn't ask them to do these types of tasks so maybe we were really lucky and had great people). Anyway, when we put all kids into school programs/daycare, it wasn't the childcare aspect I missed but having someone else take over some household duties. It does make a huge difference as long as what you need is being done. I'm not sure how to find the right person for your situation, but I completely understand why you need the help.

[Kestrel]

(AnnieW625)

I don't think it would help much, but I was making $25/hr, ($100 for four hour session) but that was twenty years ago. It was downtown Seattle, so fairly high COL.

[essnce629]

For New Year's this year, after all 5 of us had been stuck at home 24/7 for nearly 10 months, I was so fed up with coming up with meal ideas and shopping during a pandemic that I signed up for 3 meals a week from Home Chef. 7 months later and we're still getting 3 meals a week and it's made my life so much easier! It wasn't the cooking I was fed up with, it was the meal planning, list making, shopping, and asking people what they wanted and them only saying tacos every week! The meal boxes allow me to pick out more adventurous meals I wouldn't think of on my own and all the ingredients just come to my doorstep. I have no issues following the directions and enjoy listening to podcasts while I cook. Like tonight I made a scallop and potato stew, something I would never choose on my own because I don't like seafood, but it was actually really good and everyone liked it.

[mommy111]

I’ll say it again. Get a housekeeper. It’s so worth it. I had to hire someone to drive my kids to school and because an hour a day just wasn’t worth it for her, we had her stay for around 15 a week to do light housekeeping and meal prep (I also had a separate cleaning crew coming in every other week). She made the beds, took care of the clutter, redirected the roboyoc vacuum when it got stuck, and made simple meals (tacos, salads, Mac and cheese etc) and it was the best 2 years ever. So worth it.

[gatorsmom]

At one point, I used to have a weekly housekeeper, a retired chef friend who made 6 dinners a week for us and dropped it off, and someone who came to fold and hang our laundry. Eventually the laundry helper graduated and moved away, the housekeeper moved away and the chef friend retired completely. My office was still a mess even with all that help.

I don’t know how old your kids are, but a few years ago it dawned on me that I was doing a huge disservice to my kids by not expecting much of them. If kids have time to do anything they want, that is time they could be learning and helping. I started by making them help and sort the laundry. They sort their clothes into like-colored baskets and I wash them but once everyone week or 10 days, we turn on an old movie and we all sort. With 3-4 of us, the piles get sorted, hung and folded quickly. We usually finish before the movie is over. Now 2 of my kids prefer to wash their own laundry which is a bit of a headache because we are all fighting for the washers and complaining when there’s a wet load sitting in them but laundry is pretty much no longer a chore that as seen as mine anymore.

A few years ago we insisted that each kid would make a meal each weekend. We’d talk together and 2/3 of us had to agree it’s a meal we’d like, then that kid would tell me the ingredients to shop for. I’d buy their ingredients and then they had a weekend to make their meal. There are rules. Their meal had to incorporate fresh or cooked veggies or fruit (like an oatmeal bake), and had to keep in the fridge for a few days. This works well most of the year. Over the weekend we worked with them to show them how to cook. Now, 3+ years later, My 17yo can grill burgers, brwtwirsts, kabobs, glazed salmon and makes awesome fajitas. My 16yo has a favorite pasta salad recipe he makes regularly that we all love. He also makes really good paninis. Dd makes our desserts and oatmeal bakes but also makes good pasta dishes. Ds3 is still making basic things but he’s catching up. Dh hates dirty dishes so he’s most likely to grumble when he sees the sink full and just start dealing with it. But I’m teaching the kids to do a better job of cleaning up after themselves. This system works really well for making sure we have healthy, re-heatable meals in the fridge at all times. And best of all, the kids have leaned how to cook healthy food for themselves. We had to work with them for several months but that part was fun.

As for cleaning, they all have chores. They are much more capable and energetic than I am. They can mop on their hands and knees better than I can. We all take turns cleaning toilets, but then they have assigned chores. If they don’t get it done, I take away cell phones, video games or car keys. I don’t bug them about their rooms except about 3-4 times per year we do a deep dusting/vacuuming, but the public spaces of the house I insist them help with. For the most part they do because they know I am not kidding about the consequences.

Like Dogmom and nicci said though, it helps to relax your standards. I learned to view my house as a “kid-training” place. The kids need to learn to take care of themselves and their stuff. They need to learn to juggle many chores with homework and fun. The younger they are when they get used to juggling chores, the stronger they will be as adults. Putting a lot of work on them is good for them. They live in that house too and they should care that mom is struggling with the the brunt of the work. As members of a caring family, they should want to pitch in.