Is this a solvable issue?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Went for a walk and did some more thinking. I think these are also issues that contribute:
1) Feeling like spending money on himself is taking money away from the rest of his family. this also occurs in non-clothing spending. i.e. he enjoys video games but will only purchase the odd used one, his phone is crazy old. Most other things that he spends on involve other members of the family, particularly the kids, and so is somehow much more palatable.
2) Feeling some pride in being "smarter" than everyone else in not spending his money on "foolish" things like clothes/nicer car. Kind of like the trope about the millionaire who drove a beat up truck, etc. He may be correct that it's better to put more money in the stock market than buy a Mercedes, but holes in socks takes it too far, IMO.

I don't really know how to address these things though.

I have discussed many times over the years that patients do care how he looks. He does not believe me. He gave up ties when he graduated fellowship. I don't want to tie his clothes to his attractiveness, cause I don't probably look that great on an average sunday morning wearing sweaty leggings and a sports bra, but to be honest I think it is sometimes nice to see your partner dressed up and looking fancy. Or maybe at least not like he slept under a bridge.

What's also odd too is that he's really particular about haircuts. I think he goes every 3 weeks on the dot. Closure of the barber shops was the thing that bothered him most about the pandemic. Of course, he'll faithfully cut coupons to get $2 off a $12.99 haircut at Supercuts...

Would he care if you pointed out that your kids might feel he looks shabby? My dad was a terrible dresser and I was super embarrassed by him. Not great for our relationship.

[basil]

Would he care if you pointed out that your kids might feel he looks shabby? My dad was a terrible dresser and I was super embarrassed by him. Not great for our relationship.

I don't know, that's an interesting idea. My gut would tell me that DS wouldn't care/notice, because I feel like DS is picking up some of the same traits. DS isn't cheap but does tend to cling to too small or worn out clothes past when they are due for replacement. He has begged me not to throw out pants with holes in them before, even though his drawer is full of new pants. DD would care and she would and does tell him that what he's wearing doesn't match (accompanied by a perfect 7 yo eye roll), but she's so little it's easy for him not to take her seriously. Right now.

[California]

Should have clarified on the attractiveness: I only brought it up when we were going out together on a date or on special occasions, when I’d try to look nice and he’d look like he was going to Home Depot :-). Ultimately, it was a need I had- and that was what got through to him. Maybe if your DH thought about role modeling for the kids it might help. There are many careers where being a sloppy dresser will hold them back.

[kristenk]

I like the idea of things going missing/still in the wash and/or the washer (whichever one that may be) being too rough on clothes and destroying the ratty ones occasionally. If an item gets destroyed in the wash, buy a replacement for it that's as close to the original as you can reasonably get with a small upgrade or two (in shade of color or quality of fabric). I was going to say that it might be nice if someone commented that the new shirt looked nice on him, but I'm rethinking and wondering if a comment like that would draw attention to the clothes and he'd prefer to blend in and not be noticed for new clothing?

For shoes, if he's wearing the same pair until it's physically impossible to keep them on his feet, go ahead and get a replacement pair when most people would typically replace them and maybe say that you noticed that they were wearing out and you found a really good deal on them. Leave them next to his worn-out shoes until he gives up on the old pair, but he might switch over faster if he already has a replacement pair ready. ETA: as far as finding "a really good deal" goes, I could easily say that to my husband because if I found something with free shipping or 5% off, that's better than he would do and he'd think it's a good deal!

For socks and underwear, how about buying replacement packs and leaving them in the drawer for him to open. He might be tempted to open them as more socks and underwear get destroyed in the wash, but it's more of his decision when to open the new packages.

[khm]

Should have clarified on the attractiveness: I only brought it up when we were going out together on a date or on special occasions, when I’d try to look nice and he’d look like he was going to Home Depot :-). Ultimately, it was a need I had- and that was what got through to him. Maybe if your DH thought about role modeling for the kids it might help. There are many careers where being a sloppy dresser will hold them back.

That is a good point. How does he feel when the kids look sloppy? I have a feeling he finds that a poor reflection on you/him?

It really is a career thing too. I get that he's dug his feet in and likely sees it as admitting defeat if he changes his ways at this point, but man, I don't expect my doctor to look Vogue magazine ready or to be dripping in luxury logos (I'd honestly be put off by that), but I do expect them to be neat and wearing "nice" clothes that aren't threadbare.

[Liziz]

I think a lot of the "normal" tips for spouses to get a less-interested-in-appearance spouse to improve their dressing won't work here, because this is clearly more than just a normal disregard for clothing. The hiding clothes/sneaking new clothes thing only works if the DH doesn't care -- in a case like this where he clearly does care, and doesn't want new things, I find it disrespectful to try anything "sneaky" like that. It sounds like you've already discussed the professional appearance enough to know he won't change his mind there (though I agree that while a physician doesn't need designer clothes, appearance IS important!). My DH is also super cheap and hates to get new clothes, but it's nowhere near what you're describing.

I had thought of the kids angle (like what if your kids gave him a nice shirt for a birthday present? Would he wear it to make them happy?) but I think you need to be VERY careful to do anything that directly involves your children -- it's not fair to the kids to bring them into an issue that you and DH are hashing out, and could have really negative effects on relationships all around. If your kids don't care what their dad wears, that's awesome.

That being said, it is absolutely true that appearance still matters, and while no one needs to wear designer clothes or *should* be judged on appearance, there are absolutely opportunities to be lost if one doesn't understand how to dress appropriately. From all your posts, your DH sounds incredibly stubborn, to the point of being irrational on some things -- but you've always mentioned how dedicated he is to your kids, and how much he wants good things for them. Perhaps if you can help him understand that modeling appropriate work attire would be a benefit to your children and their later lives, he'd be more motivated? Because of what I mentioned in the paragraph above, I'd make sure to have that conversation with him when the kids are not around, though.

As one other final though, I do think that sometimes the concept of "improving your wardrobe" is a massive and overwhelming one. Maybe if you focus on ONE thing at a time that you most care about to start with and be clear about what it is: "Your pant hems are very frayed and too short - I would like to get you two new pairs of pants to replace those".

[KpbS]

I do think it is about control. And identity. Those are his clothes and he can control how and when he wears them. Clothes that old have taken on extra meaning to him as his identity.

I agree w PP to suggest one area at a time, for instance, the fraying, ill-fitting khakis. If you came home with new khaki pants in his size, would he try them on and give them a chance if you asked him to?

Could you do one category of clothing a week? Pants, polos, dress shirts, etc.? He sounds like a true minimalist and if you are going to go minimal, you must make sure the items are well fitting and in good shape. Maybe you could approach it that way? Tell him you really appreciate his thriftiness but want to help him update his look (every 15-20 years) and replace the worn out items.

I would be very tempted to replace all of the socks and underwear though. Put the worn out ones in a box and replace with new.

[mmsmom]

I agree that there are likely some deep routed issues at play here and you probably need to get to the bottom of those for real change to occur. My DH is a horrible dresser but he will spend money on new things when needed. Although it usually takes some pushing from me. As your kids get older they will definitely start to notice more and may say something to him. The kids and I will tease DH sometimes about his clothing choices and he will change if they say it is embarrassing for them. (They are teens).

I would try to focus on setting a good example for your kids of how to present yourself. Start with clothes that fit, are not stained, torn, have holes or ripped. These are in my kids school dress code. Focus more on setting an example and caring about the way we present ourselves.

Does his work have a dress code?

[gamma]

How about spilling a whole bottle of bleach in the washing machine! Make sure some of your old clothes are in that load also for effect! lol Ooops, all new clothes needed!

[hbridge]

There is a reason for this. He may not even know what it is... Some deep seated reason for not wanting or wearing new things. It could be so many different issues, including that he is not "deserving" or even that he wants to be the guy with the "frayed" clothing image (sense of style type issue), but there is something keeping him in his old clothing.

We went out as a family once and half way to our destination (3 hours away) I noticed a hole in DH's jeans where a hole is not appropriate. There was nothing to be done for the day, but when we got home I told him they had to go. He was not happy and, I think wore them a few more time before DC nicknamed the pants and that was when he got rid of them.

Could you have him google a minimalist wardrobe and tell him he needs to purchase new things until he gets up to the minimum, it does not seem like he is even close to what a minimalist professional should have...