How to help a friend - possible borderline personality disorder

[Globetrotter]

This is a long shot, But I’m hoping one of my fellow researchers has information on this.
A friend of mine has called me in tears about her husband many times. He’s Sensitive and insecure and accuses her of doing weird things and has even made suicidal comments a few times. Also signs of controlling behavior and clinginess and finding fault with others. Oh and moodiness.. I suspected he could have depression or something, but This morning after another episode involving a social event relating to me, I started looking up borderline personality disorder and… I am no expert but it really looks like a classic case of this.
He clearly needs diagnosis and support. And my poor friend certainly needs support. She asked me for advice and I told her she should get help for herself first and possibly professional advice on how to proceed. I’m afraid I will give wrong advice, aside from the fact that he has to get therapy. There is no way he will accept that without a fight … There are cultural issues on top of everything else.
I was going to help her find a therapist for herself first and also maybe some online forums or something relating to this. Of course we don’t even have a diagnosis but I felt chills down my spine as I read the list of symptoms and saw the overlap with his behavior.
If anyone has experience with this or knows of any support groups, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

[vludmilla]

I think you are right to suggest that she get therapy to learn how she can deal with her situation. It's not helpful to foist treatment on anyone but the current thinking is that Dialectical Behavior Therapy is the best treatment for BPD.

[vludmilla]

One more thing, there is a support group for family members of people who have BPD, it is called Family Connections through a collaboration between the NEA and the BPD Alliance. It offers DBT informed support groups for parents and spouses of those with BPD. I highly recommend it and it is free.

[California]

I really feel for your friend. Vudmilla’s support group recommendation sounds like it may be a better fit than this, but was going to recommend your friend contact NAMI.

As a teacher, we can’t diagnose and stick to recording observed behaviors. I’ve found this to be a great tool in life in general. I would recommend she start a journal, if she hasn’t already, noting what is going on in their lives. It’s amazing how quickly we can forget things! Or- not see a pattern until we start to record it. It could be as simple as using her phone “notes” app.

[Myira]

I think PP have good suggestions and agree that DBT is deemed very effective for BPD. It’s one of the trickiest personality disorders to be diagnosed from all I’ve read although I’m not an expert in the field. I’ve also looked this up in relation to helping a near and dear one. I’ll say that looking for a good therapist is key since a lot of disorders overlap with similar criteria.
From what I’ve read, BPD is fraught with stormy relationships, in personal as well as professional life, impulse issues and substance abuse, though there can be high functioning individuals where not all aspects are dysfunctional. By the way, sort of a silver lining is that all these flares or episodes apparently mellow with age.


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[Globetrotter]

Thanks for the great suggestions. This evening he left the house without his phone after they fought. I just saw the message so I don’t know if he came back, but this is concerning to me

[Myira]

Thanks for the great suggestions. This evening he left the house without his phone after they fought. I just saw the message so I don’t know if he came back, but this is concerning to me

Your heart is in the right place that you feel concerned. This is not at all a easy place to be in for the spouse, your friend, or any other loved ones. Educating themselves on his condition so they can understand what’s going on and why and working with a therapist for themselves will hopefully make this somewhat more bearable.


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[StantonHyde]

My cynical response is run while she can. Personality disorders are hard as hell to treat, mostly because the person doesn't see it as a problem. They are happy, it's everybody else who is miserable. There is no medication for this. They have to really commit to therapy. Often they won't unless they realize they will lose everything unless they do. I grew up with a narcissistic personality disordered parent--he has had tons of therapy and takes a variety of meds for depression. He still has no clue that he is a narcissist and he's in his 80s. As someone who works in mental health (not a provider) I can tell you that personality disorders are the bane of everyone because they are so hard to treat. And they threaten to kill themselves all the time--it's a way to get what they want. (not saying you shouldn't take threats seriously, but it gets draining)

Your friend needs therapy and support. She can't change him. She needs to put her own oxygen mask on, build herself up, and then decide what she is going to do. And a therapist can help her unravel some of his behavior. She will really, really need help with all the gaslighting she has endured. Big hugs to her.

[Myira]

My cynical response is run while she can. Personality disorders are hard as hell to treat, mostly because the person doesn't see it as a problem. They are happy, it's everybody else who is miserable. There is no medication for this. They have to really commit to therapy. Often they won't unless they realize they will lose everything unless they do. I grew up with a narcissistic personality disordered parent--he has had tons of therapy and takes a variety of meds for depression. He still has no clue that he is a narcissist and he's in his 80s. As someone who works in mental health (not a provider) I can tell you that personality disorders are the bane of everyone because they are so hard to treat. And they threaten to kill themselves all the time--it's a way to get what they want. (not saying you shouldn't take threats seriously, but it gets draining)

Your friend needs therapy and support. She can't change him. She needs to put her own oxygen mask on, build herself up, and then decide what she is going to do. And a therapist can help her unravel some of his behavior. She will really, really need help with all the gaslighting she has endured. Big hugs to her.

BPD can be high functioning, and if that’s the case, outside of those episodes, they can and will live a functional life. Not sure where this individual is on that spectrum.

Interestingly, fear of abandonment is a constant thing for a person with BPD, their clingyness stems from that fear. From my understanding gaslighting is the primary game plan of the narcissist, not so much the BPD. You can say the BPD has a warped view of the world, but they are incapable of the cold and calculated manipulation required for gaslighting like the narcissist.
Being in a relationship with someone with BPD is like walking on eggshells and hence I think statistically they have a series of stormy unstable relationships and burnt bridges. So I agree that your friend needs to educate herself and with her options to know what life she can possibly live with him.


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[Myira]

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