How to deal with this?

[Myira]

Mom A and her daughter B. DD is friends with daughter B, same grade but not same classes and they do one common activity that is dance on the weekend where we carpool together and it’s an hour round trip.
One is B would like to hang out with DD after the dance and also many other times over the weekends. I’ve refused this a couple of times since DD has n number of things that she needs to catch up on and there just isn’t enough time to give up 2-3 hours like that. Yesterday when we met A brings up the topic of pushing kids and voices her opinion very strongly that she does not believe in pushing kids, it’s just middle school, life can go either ways. I should’ve not engaged in this topic at all, but I did (thanks to being socially awkward), I’ve never been able to show so much presence of mind in social settings. By engaging, I only said that probably depends on the kid and my kid is lazy enough that if given a choice she’d sit at home on a device all day. Her other friend C also happened to be there and they went gangbusters on me, or atleast that’s how I felt about that conversation.
I have not asked for her opinion on this, I cannot fathom how someone can start pushing their views down my throat! But they did!
Am I not free to parent my kid however I see fit? I said at one point half jokingly yeah who knows, we’re all just fumbling with this parenting thing. Their response was totally an unexpected punch in the gut to me - “ if you are fumbling then your kids will too. We’ve got to show our kids how we deal with tough situation, model behavior, they’re watching us”. I was completely lost at that point. Are you saying I just suck at parenting to my face when I did not even ask for your opinion? I don’t know what’s going on. I do feel like an abject failure since that conversation. Mom A was almost mad at me that I, according to her I push DD.

What do any of you make of this? And how do I deal with this going forward?


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[doberbrat]

They suck, you're fine. You are free to parent exactly how you see fit. Seriously. So are they. I would steer clear of them. They are clearly toxic. Just ignore them. #1 you're doing nothing wrong. Not even close. #2, You didnt ask them. So even if you were doing something wrong, its none of their business baring any dangerous situations.

sheesh! some people.

[gatorsmom]

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. There is so much anger these days. Most of it stemming from fear and uncertainty. In my opinion, I'd stay away from the mom. If your daughter is ok around B and wants to hang out with her, then so be it. But I wouldn't waste my mental peace on people who gang up on me. I'd start practicing my, "yep, mmhmm, nice to see you too. Gotta run."

Seriously, there is no rule book for raising kids. For every study done on parenting, there is an exceptional kid who proves it all wrong.

For my part, I agree with you. I don't think it hurts to push kids (as long as it's not too hard). My dad and his cousins grew up on farms and he always credited his work ethic to working hard as a kid. JMHO but how will they cope as adults if our children never learned how to face adversity and stress as kids?

[wendibird22]

They suck. You don't. Who are they to judge how you parent your kid? You know your kid, your family, your situation best.
I too have a teen that needs to be pushed. She likes certain sports/activities but isn't naturally inclined to seek out opportunities to improve at those things in order to continue to qualify and make teams down the road. So her dad and I push her because we know better than her 14yr old self, what she needs to do to stick with it (which she tells us she wants to do). My other DD is the exact opposite. She'll work and work and work tirelessly at the thing she wants and be firm in telling is what she doesn't want. We know if she's no longer interested in something she truly means it and we don't push.

So, easier said than done, but I'd try to let their hurtful words go.

[Myira]

Thanks doberbrat and gatersmom!
Gatorsmom, I pushed DD to study this summer and attempt the math acceleration test to opt out of Algebra! She did not make it last year and it wasn’t even Algebra. This time she really worked hard and made it in. She is so happy to be in that class which really is at a pace that she can easily go with and is proud of herself for accomplishing this. This would not have happened without my push definitely, she’d have happily spent the summer being chill. Also this was the first time she has really had to work hard at schoolwork, otherwise she is sailing through without effort. So I’m nowhere pushing her to unreasonable levels that are not doable by her with honest level of effort. Mom A did bring this up!




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[AnnieW625]

I agree that they don’t need to tell you how to parent your kid.

I am not one to push my kids especially Dd1 and I have said multiple times that I let DD1 (sophomore-15) chose her classes and decide whether she wants to do AP/honors classes and I know there are other parents IRL and on this board who probably disagree with me but I just let it be. I know my kid best. If I get pushback (esp. IRL) I usually use the excuse that DD pushes herself too much and I don’t want her getting too stressed out. Most people don’t have much to say after that.

Now for Dd2 (5th grade-11) she is the opposite and Dh and I are going to have to have a say in her classes and how she manages her time when she needs to get caught up on work. If she wants social time then yes she needs to be caught up; but I do try to make exceptions on school half days and weekends.

As for dealing with Mom A could you offer up a weekend? Setting up play dates is a Royal PITA so maybe if you meet in the middle and agree to 2-3 hrs. on a weekend it might smooth things out. As a parent who seems to get some kickback more often than not when I try to plan a play date I hate it when my kids’ friends can’t come over and I don’t want DD2 feeling left out. Outside of school/school sports (dance, and tennis) DD1 doesn’t see her friends much so I usually have to push DD1 schedule things, but even then it isn’t easy (especially dealing with Covid for almost 2 years).

Good luck!


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[essnce629]

I would just ignore her.

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[bisous]

You're totally fine. Don't worry about them at all. Let them learn the hard way that "philosophies" die hard in the face of dealing with real live children, lol.

Keep advocating for what is best for your DD. That might be hanging out with the friend...or it might mean that you're still too busy. I would try to predicate my behavior on what is best for your DD and not based on how obnoxious her mom is or how she is pressuring you in one direction or another.

I hate frustrating social interactions. Especially when I feel blindsided or unprepared. It honestly doesn't sound at all like you did anything awkward. Instead I find the behavior of the other mom quite obnoxious!

[Myira]

I hate frustrating social interactions. Especially when I feel blindsided or unprepared. It honestly doesn't sound at all like you did anything awkward. Instead I find the behavior of the other mom quite obnoxious!

Thanks bisons! I have begun to wonder if I have something written on my face that makes people bring up topics of contention and get me into the tricky sticky situation of discussing them( thanks covid you are always a topic)



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[hbridge]

UGH!!! I don't think people really understand that there are those that are DIFFERENT from them and that there are kids that need a different parenting style from theirs! It's okay to parent differently, it's okay to stress different things, it's okay to look at the world differently... You are doing what is best for your DC and your family. They are probably doing the same!

It is okay for you to say something about how "you are glad that that works for them, but we find that our kids need a different approach"!