How to deal with this?

[Liziz]

Whoa, that is totally uncalled for! I would have been furious -- I agree with everyone else, the only time it's okay to comment on someone else's parenting is if there's a clear and true danger to the child....which this most certainly isn't!

You are doing fine. No one knows your DD better than you. Certainly not random-other-mom-who-casually-knows-your-kid. And quite frankly, yes, we are all fumbling at this parenting thing. If someone tries to tell you that they never fumble and are always a perfect parent, they're either lying or delusional. Plus, it doesn't seem like you're fumbling at all, it sounds like you know what's right for your DD and you're doing that for her. And your kids (and mine, and everyone else's) will be just fine even when we do fumble. So those busybody moms clearly know nothing! So sorry you had to deal with such a nasty conversation!

[mom_hanna]

Adults who bully are no different than kids who bully. They do it because they are insecure and putting someone else down makes them feel better about themselves (I still dont understand that concept, but it's true). You are doing great. Don't listen to them. Everyone is fumbling through, as there is no "right" way to parent. As you said, it depends on the kid. Ignore them.

[carolinamama]

Well I'm just fumbling through too and I strongly suspect that any parent who says otherwise doesn't know what they don't know. It's one thing to push at a punishingly level but parenting includes helping our kids reach their potential. Pushing shows you believe in your kids. In my experience, parents who act like this are trying to justify the reason their kid isn't at the same place as another kid instead of chocking it up to different kids do different things at their own pace. You are doing great and those moms suck.

[niccig]

They suck, you're fine. You are free to parent exactly how you see fit. Seriously. So are they. I would steer clear of them. They are clearly toxic. Just ignore them. #1 you're doing nothing wrong. Not even close. #2, You didnt ask them. So even if you were doing something wrong, its none of their business baring any dangerous situations.

sheesh! some people.

Absolutely this!!!
I’d not spend much time with them going forward. I’m too busy to spend time with people like this


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[SnuggleBuggles]

I was thinking about this thread after reading your weekend routine. I understand not wanting a ton of sit around down time where it seems like they are just on the screens (though I'd say relaxing and recharging has merit) but socializing with friends isn't a waste of a day. It sounds like the choice is hang out with friends or go home and do enrichment work? If your dd keeps having to turn down social invites, she might find she no longer gets social invites. And that would be pretty sad. It stinks that that could happen but there's just a balancing act to it all. Taking 2-3 hours to hang out with friends over the course of the weekend isn't a huge time suck- and it could yield many positives for your kiddo.
It isn't cool that the other parents ambushed you about this but I can kind of see their POV. Much better ways to get their message across though than what they did!

[twowhat?]

Hmmm. I am also reading this with a different lens now after seeing the weekend routines thread. A few things:

1) I 100% think the other parents were in the wrong to gang up on you like that!!! When you said no, they should have left it alone and not questioned.

2) I think there's a possibility daughter B has been really upset that she never has a chance to socialize with your DD outside of school/extracurriculars, and that B's mom was channeling her frustration.

3) How important are the enrichment activities your DD does on the weekend? Is she behind where she needs to be, needs to get her grades up?

4) I think having chances to socialize is so important, especially at that age (my DDs are similar age). I feel like you may be able to swing once or twice a month to let the girls hang out together. It's not being on screens or devices. You could encourage hangouts that are educational - at a nature park, museum, etc.

5) Have you discussed with your DD? Does she want to hang out with B? Is she resentful that weekend enrichment interferes with this? If so, I'd really encourage you to talk with your DD to understand how important it is to her. Maybe she doesn't care to hang out with B and is grateful for the enrichment excuse But if she really wants to hang out with B, I think it's an important part of well-rounded growth and development.

I'm only bringing this up (and I hope you don't see this as a pile-on, I really don't want it to be!) because I grew up with a friend whose parents never let her socialize - she had to sit at home and take practice SATs and do math worksheets and whatnot. She does NOT have a good relationship with her parents today. This is extreme and I'm definitely not saying you do this! I don't know your situation but I just hated to read and not post if any of this is at all helpful!

Good luck! Hugs!

[carolinacool]

I certainly don't want to pile on, either, but after reading the weekend thread, there seems to be little to no time for socializing outside of the family --either for the kids or you and your DH. And while dance and sports can be fun, practice is still structured and I wouldn't count that as social time.

I'm wondering -- and I admittedly could be out of line -- if your daughter has told her friend she would like to hang out and has expressed some frustration with a regimented schedule. And then the friend told the mom, and mom didn't handle it well. And it be clear -- she did not handle it well.

SnuggleBuggles and twowhat? offer some great advice. It may not hurt to step and look at the situation with fresh eyes.

[AnnieW625]

…..

SnuggleBuggles and twowhat? offer some great advice. It may not hurt to step and look at the situation with fresh eyes.

Yes to that and what I wrote originally before the weekend post. I think play dates are a PITA to plan and if a play date will help smooth over the parent situation I think it might be something to look at if your daughter is interested in hanging out with girl B.


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[Myira]

First, I don’t feel piled on, I truly welcome your inputs and perspectives and that was the point of starting this thread.
So let me answer a few questions twowhat has asked in her post. DD does want to do these activities, Science Olympiad, contest math etc. with SO, she has selected study events which take a non trivial amount of study on your own, versus a build event which you’d spend time on after school and not have to do a whole lot of personal studying. The club time is only then group discussion and tests, each student has chipped away at the material in their personal time.
DD, of course enjoys B’s company and the social time. But B is not perusing any of these goals that DD is by choice, and DD cannot afford to spend so much weekend time socializing as B does for sure.
My DD cannot be and isn’t the only one pursing these goals, I know other kids do as well. I’d really like to understand how they balance this. They certainly have got to chip away at it, there is simply no magic wand, another kid can be theoretically brighter than DD but you cannot be born with knowledge of higher level chemistry or biology or math. So spending the needed time on this is inevitable if you want to pursue this.
When kids are into sports, don’t those soccer or swim kids spend weekends playing games, isn’t that a time commitment? Somehow I feel that is seen as an enjoyable activity, versus a kid preparing for competition math. Honestly, any activity can be a time commitment, my DS’s in person chess tournaments pre-covid sucked out an entire Saturday.

I would definitely love if DD can meet friends and have fun during downtime but I don’t think it can be spent the whole Saturday afternoon at a friends place. May be I should have DD initiate meeting for an hour with B at the park or a hike or something?


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[SnuggleBuggles]

Ds1 did Science Olympiad. His sole goal was getting out of school for a day He had a lot of fun with it- as did the rest of his teammates. But, outside of the school time practice they didn’t do any extra work. They weren’t in it to win it- that’s the balance that might be different. Eta- ds1 did place in multiple events too.
I really think a whole weekend of studying is extreme though. If that’s how she really wants to spend her time then that’s one thing. If there’s extra pressure from you that’s another. At some point isn’t the material just too advanced if it takes that much practice? She can’t and shouldn’t expect to master it all at 12yo.
I’d say the same thing if it was sports. If your kid was totally all in, ok. Otherwise I’d also recommend more balance. For our family, we don’t give up whole weekends to sports either- we do rec versions of teams that takes up maybe 2 hours on the weekend. Certainly there are lots of families that are way deeper into it all.
Long term, what are the goals? Is the push to do all the extras because it’s desired or because there’s some goal like a prestigious college? Something else?
I think you can probably spare more than an hour away from the studies but an hour is at least a start. I do think a whole afternoon isn’t extreme.
Have you watched the Netflix show “Never Have I Ever”? I think you might enjoy it.
Eta- how about inviting some SO teammates over to study together? It’s social and productive. They could also meet at a library, coffee shop… I can’t see any reason they can’t study together. Lots of kids have SAT, etc study groups


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