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  1. #21
    AnnieW625's Avatar
    AnnieW625 is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Default How to deal with this?

    Yes I would have your dd invite girl b to the park for an hour. A play date doesn’t have to last all afternoon; if it does great but if not then an hour is just fine. I think just giving her the option is fine.

    I honestly have no idea what goes on in preparation for Science Olympiad or the other math activity she is involved in but a break for one day could be beneficial, right? Or does it screw up a long schedule of scheduled events that must be completed in a certain amount of time. I know there are other kids on this board who compete in robotics or lego building challenges (I can’t recall the exact names of the challenges) and also participated some social activities like marching band at school which takes up time after school and on weekends as well. I know your DD does dance and that is awesome but at some point I do think it might be good to try another social activity as well so your daughter doesn’t feel isolated in the later stages of middle school or worse yet high school.

    Fwiw: even socially awkward “not sure if we are an introvert or an extrovert” girls like myself needed to have some sort of small friend group in high school and despite all of the time that I did enjoy relaxing by myself I had those moments where I needed to be with other people and it was beneficial to me . I was still awkward as hell but I had to get out of my comfort zone. Even just discussing anything from the top social and entertainment news of the day with my small groups of friend (New Kids, Saved by the Bell, 90210, Prince, Michael Jackson, Keanu Reaves and River Phoenix movies….early to mid 90s for me in high school) or even just run of the mill school gossip was a feeling of being involved. It was good to have a group of friends who would listen to you or best yet drive you to the mall because you didn’t have your drivers license yet.


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    Last edited by AnnieW625; 09-21-2021 at 10:59 AM.
    Annie
    WOHM to two wonderful little girls born in April
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    DD L, 13,
    baby 2, 4-2009 (our Tri-18 baby)

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Myira View Post
    First, I don’t feel piled on, I truly welcome your inputs and perspectives and that was the point of starting this thread.
    So let me answer a few questions twowhat has asked in her post. DD does want to do these activities, Science Olympiad, contest math etc. with SO, she has selected study events which take a non trivial amount of study on your own, versus a build event which you’d spend time on after school and not have to do a whole lot of personal studying. The club time is only then group discussion and tests, each student has chipped away at the material in their personal time.
    DD, of course enjoys B’s company and the social time. But B is not perusing any of these goals that DD is by choice, and DD cannot afford to spend so much weekend time socializing as B does for sure.
    My DD cannot be and isn’t the only one pursing these goals, I know other kids do as well. I’d really like to understand how they balance this. They certainly have got to chip away at it, there is simply no magic wand, another kid can be theoretically brighter than DD but you cannot be born with knowledge of higher level chemistry or biology or math. So spending the needed time on this is inevitable if you want to pursue this.
    When kids are into sports, don’t those soccer or swim kids spend weekends playing games, isn’t that a time commitment? Somehow I feel that is seen as an enjoyable activity, versus a kid preparing for competition math. Honestly, any activity can be a time commitment, my DS’s in person chess tournaments pre-covid sucked out an entire Saturday.

    I would definitely love if DD can meet friends and have fun during downtime but I don’t think it can be spent the whole Saturday afternoon at a friends place. May be I should have DD initiate meeting for an hour with B at the park or a hike or something?


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    If your daughter is truly internally motivated to study for competitive academic endeavors, it's different than a parent pushing hours of enrichment just because. What is she asking for? More socialization and free time or more enrichment? These activities aren't necessarily different than a kid dedicating their spare time to sports practices and games. As a sports parent, the key for me is that a child does it willingly. DS2 is constantly sneaking outside to kick around a ball. DD chooses to train instead of attending every playdate or birthday party. Both spend lots of social time with their teammates outside of the sport. Each family must structure their time as it works and be willing to change course when it doesn't. And sometimes as parents, we need to step in and limit activities. For instance, DD really wants to play tennis but we've said no. Our family doesn't want another commitment and she doesn't need it. Do what works for YOUR DD and family. No two families even on this board are going to make the same decision since our kids and family goals differ.

    My DS1 was heavily involved in science olympiad and robotics in middle school. He spent some Sat afternoons building or studying with his event partner but we never gave up every Saturday to this endeavor. And he frequently placed so they were doing something right but I think he was in it for fun more than anything. I was pretty hands off so I'm not sure exactly the amount of prep he did.
    Mom to Two Wild and Crazy Boys and One Sweet Baby Girl

  3. #23
    Globetrotter is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    My ds is into academic competitions- Believe me, this kid doesn’t listen to anything we say so it is purely his wish to do it LOL
    In elementary, they generally did two activities at a time, one academic and one active, plus scouts for Dd. As they got older they added more, but DS did not join club sports because of the time commitment and we couldn’t do everything. He was much more interested in doing the academic competitions on a national level and did rec sports. It’s all about balance And we always prioritized socialization, too.

    It’s hard for the kids if they are cut out of their social circle. It’s totally understandable with Covid, and my heart goes out to the parents who are struggling with this issue because we may have been in a similar predicament if we lived elsewhere. It’s probably a good idea to allow dd To spend unstructured time with friends. If she is out of their social circle for too long, they might forget to include her, not intentionally but that’s how it works. Even with adults, we have to work at it to maintain a friendship.
    "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What? You, too? I thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis

  4. #24
    Myira is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Thanks everyone, I cannot disagree on your point about there being value in socializing. I’m going to start with the idea of working into our schedule atleast an hour for her to spend with friends on Saturday. I’d really like for her to cut down and streamline extracurricular activities so the ones she is passionate about, she is able to give justice to them.
    As always I will be rereading some posts and certainly thinking things over! There is a lot for thought here!


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  5. #25
    doberbrat is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I guess I'll jump back in to say what does YOUR DD want? The only time I set up stuff for my girls is if we are doing a group family activity. Any time they want to spend with their friends, they schedule themselves with their friends. I dont think I've scheduled a 'playdate' since 3rd grade?

    Friend A wants to spend time with my kid but my kid is busy? Oh well. My kid comes to me and says I wish I could spend time with friend A but I have X going on? I'd figure out how best to make it happen.
    dd1 10/05
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  6. #26
    Myira is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by doberbrat View Post
    I guess I'll jump back in to say what does YOUR DD want? The only time I set up stuff for my girls is if we are doing a group family activity. Any time they want to spend with their friends, they schedule themselves with their friends. I dont think I've scheduled a 'playdate' since 3rd grade?

    Friend A wants to spend time with my kid but my kid is busy? Oh well. My kid comes to me and says I wish I could spend time with friend A but I have X going on? I'd figure out how best to make it happen.
    I have some expectations academically as well and she is expected to meet them. My expectations are not unreasonable where I want her to do something beyond her ability, skills or liking. But just regular schoolwork that she can sail through without any effort and rest free time to use as she wishes is not what I find acceptable. She needs to challenge herself academically, and do some extracurriculars of her choice. And although she is not playing any sport competitively, she would like to play one sport well and also for physical activity.
    That said, I totally see the point most of you made regarding the importance of socializing. I agree that is an important aspect and one that I need to be mindful of and I admit our current schedule is making it difficult. I’m going to look for ways to work it into our schedule. It may mean we cut down on some activities and I’m open to that as well.



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  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Myira View Post
    I have some expectations academically as well and she is expected to meet them. My expectations are not unreasonable where I want her to do something beyond her ability, skills or liking. But just regular schoolwork that she can sail through without any effort and rest free time to use as she wishes is not what I find acceptable. She needs to challenge herself academically, and do some extracurriculars of her choice. And although she is not playing any sport competitively, she would like to play one sport well and also for physical activity.
    That said, I totally see the point most of you made regarding the importance of socializing. I agree that is an important aspect and one that I need to be mindful of and I admit our current schedule is making it difficult. I’m going to look for ways to work it into our schedule. It may mean we cut down on some activities and I’m open to that as well.



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    I think the key is just finding balance. Being challenged academically was important to my family. I skipped a grade, did math competitions, edited the school newspaper, took a few college classes here and there starting when I was 12, etc. But it wasn't my whole life. I also still did gymnastics 3-4 days a week, did things with the church youth group, and had sleepovers and went to movies and high school sports events with my friends. Not every single day, but probably something social each week. I think sitting down with her and talking through all of the things each of you wishes she could do would be a good place to start, then see how many of them (including her top couple priorities) can reasonably be fit in.
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  8. #28
    SnuggleBuggles is online now Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Myira View Post
    I have some expectations academically as well and she is expected to meet them. My expectations are not unreasonable where I want her to do something beyond her ability, skills or liking. But just regular schoolwork that she can sail through without any effort and rest free time to use as she wishes is not what I find acceptable. She needs to challenge herself academically, and do some extracurriculars of her choice. And although she is not playing any sport competitively, she would like to play one sport well and also for physical activity.
    That said, I totally see the point most of you made regarding the importance of socializing. I agree that is an important aspect and one that I need to be mindful of and I admit our current schedule is making it difficult. I’m going to look for ways to work it into our schedule. It may mean we cut down on some activities and I’m open to that as well.



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    Definitely work on balance as best you can. She's only 12. There's plenty of academic time left. Burn out happens. I get not wanting her to coast but she will naturally hit walls at some point and will find she needs to study. I know every family is different. I think some challenges are great but what happens if she exceeds what is taught in school and she tunes out because she is super bored? Just talk with her and find some good balances while keeping your expectations thoughtful long term.

  9. #29
    hbridge is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Myira View Post
    I have some expectations academically as well and she is expected to meet them. My expectations are not unreasonable where I want her to do something beyond her ability, skills or liking. But just regular schoolwork that she can sail through without any effort and rest free time to use as she wishes is not what I find acceptable. She needs to challenge herself academically, and do some extracurriculars of her choice. And although she is not playing any sport competitively, she would like to play one sport well and also for physical activity.
    That said, I totally see the point most of you made regarding the importance of socializing. I agree that is an important aspect and one that I need to be mindful of and I admit our current schedule is making it difficult. I’m going to look for ways to work it into our schedule. It may mean we cut down on some activities and I’m open to that as well.



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    I grew up in a family who added academics and pushed them hard. Every weekend was spent studying, no paper or homework assignment left the house unless it was "perfect"; there was a HUGE academic push all the time. As adults, it's been interesting to see how that affected us all.

    I try to be very hands off with DC academic work. However, DC are very self motivated and I stopped getting involved after elementary when they just say "I've got this". However, they also work on "academic pursuits" constantly. I also tried to push certain activities when they were younger. That didn't work. Once I let them tell me what they wanted to do (which was WAY out of my comfort level) and we helped them pursue that, the child started to thrive. However, my mother will ask about DC's school work and not understand when I have no idea what they are working on.

    That being said, one of my siblings just "left the family". I am now sure why since I have not been able to contact them in years, but I do wonder if there was too much pressure growing up and I wonder if this sibling "needed" something different.

    As long as you are parenting to the child you have and letting them "steer the ship", do what feels right. Check in regularly and see if they want to change or drop anything.

    Parenting is so hard, do what is right for your family. Just remember that can change and morph as time goes on and the kids grow.

  10. #30
    Myira is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Agreed, at the end of the day our parenting style and choices consciously or unconsciously have some roots in our own life experiences, our background, culture or family of origin, beliefs and biases! It’s downright hard.


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