Tweens/Teens and sexual identity

[Kindra178]

This seems to be super common amongst girls these days! Whether it's a phase or not, I agree with others. No reason to share the news with anyone. I guess I am not sure why the pediatrician even needs to know.

[dogmom]

I don’t think you should share since it’s a matter of sexual attraction and sexual identity, so unless you know someone whose interested in dating your child it’s not pertinent. Then if someone is interested, it’s up to hour child to say if they are interested or not. As far as the pediatrician goes, I wouldn’t call, but I would suggest that your child share the news at the next well child appointment. At this age kids need to have some one on one time with a pediatrician to discuss things that pertain to their sexual health. I think parents would be shocked to know how open most kids are with their healthcare providers. I never have trouble with kids sharing information about sexual activity, drug or alcohol use or mental illness when family members are out of the room.

Also, as someone with a trans kid I would say just banish the concept of phase from your brain. I think most of us know not to say it to our kids, but holding the thought it is a phase in your head will change your reaction to your child in subtle ways. It took me a while to get it out of my head and I can’t point to exactly how it changed by interactions with my son, but things got smoother. Probably because he was always the one that could pick up on my moods even when I thought I was covering it up well. As he moved further along to identify as a boy he just was less anxious and happier. So in the end it wasn’t a matter of phase/no phase, it was happier and less anxious.

[Gracemom]

My daughter came out as lesbian around that age but my dh and I already suspected she was gay. She is now 18 and had a girlfriend the last 2 years of high school. They got to go to prom together! Even though we live in Texas she has been very comfortable being herself at school. Lots of her friends are gay or bi. She calls me too supportive ha ha! I'm always hearing about LGBT things I want to tell her about. She's in college now and chose a LGBT supportive campus and is very happy. I've never told anyone without getting her permission. We still have family members she has not explicitly told but I'm pretty sure they know but just don't say anything.

[elephantmeg]

it definitely seems to be something that they deal with at this age. I have a girl scout troop of 8th graders and this is a topic that comes around occasionally. It does give me pause when it comes to sleeping arrangements. I generally do bigger groups in a tent but did 2 to a tent at the last camping trip due to COVID.

[Snow mom]

I wouldn’t suggest that it’s a phase or hold onto that either. If she came to you and said she liked a boy you wouldn’t think/tell her it’s a phase and it isn’t appropriate for the idea that she likes girls either. I think by 12 a lot of kids know, even if what they present is different due to societal pressures. My 12 year olds friend group has gotten very into LGBT allyship. I’m fairly certain one of them is LGBT but it isn’t my place to bring it up. It’s a lot more acceptable now so I think we see a lot more kids identifying as their authentic self. I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to try not to treat this as different or more scary than heterosexual interests.

[citymama]

Tell her you love and support her as often as you possibly can. The fact that she told you, and trusted you, shows courage and openness, and you want to keep those channels of communication open and safe. You don't need to decide for her that it's a phase, or even think about that. You should definitely not say that to her. Just like you don't decide whether straightness is a phase. Maybe she will always like other girls, maybe she'll like boys too, maybe not. There's no need to rush that part of the conversation or influence her thinking. Congrats on parenting a kid who is confident and trusts you with her truths!

[SAHMIL]

My friend’s daughter and her friends were all lesbians in 7th grade and now as sophomores on high school , they all have boyfriends .


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[SAHMIL]

Tell her you love and support her as often as you possibly can. The fact that she told you, and trusted you, shows courage and openness, and you want to keep those channels of communication open and safe. You don't need to decide for her that it's a phase, or even think about that. You should definitely not say that to her. Just like you don't decide whether straightness is a phase. Maybe she will always like other girls, maybe she'll like boys too, maybe not. There's no need to rush that part of the conversation or influence her thinking. Congrats on parenting a kid who is confident and trusts you with her truths!

Exactly ! You don’t need to rush it . She’s 12. If she were 16 , it’s different .


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[mmsmom]

Thank you all for the amazing advice and shared experiences. To clarify I didn’t intend to tell everyone, just wondering if I should mention it to people like my mother or close friends if it seemed relevant. But you all are right, it should be up to her as to who she tells and when. She has told some friends and I saw a few days ago it was on her Tik Tok a couple months ago. (Clearly I don’t check it often enough). The comments on there were all positive but there were a couple “really?” which I took to me questioning if it was true or not. The great thing about this generation is that these things do not phase them at all so I do not expect her to have any issues with her peers. The parents on the other hand….

I did not and will not mention “phase” to her. That came up in DH and my conversation but it was not mentioned to her in anyway. There is a question as to if this is truly who she is or if this is her wanting to be part of a trend or a group. I guess only time will tell.

She has had several sleepovers since telling her friends and for now I don’t know if there is a girl that she likes so I guess I will just assume everyone is a friend until it appears otherwise.

I am really grateful for everyone’s feedback and especially grateful that this generation is so accepting and supportive.

[twowhat?]

Thank you all for the amazing advice and shared experiences. To clarify I didn’t intend to tell everyone, just wondering if I should mention it to people like my mother or close friends if it seemed relevant. But you all are right, it should be up to her as to who she tells and when. She has told some friends and I saw a few days ago it was on her Tik Tok a couple months ago. (Clearly I don’t check it often enough). The comments on there were all positive but there were a couple “really?” which I took to me questioning if it was true or not. The great thing about this generation is that these things do not phase them at all so I do not expect her to have any issues with her peers. The parents on the other hand….

I did not and will not mention “phase” to her. That came up in DH and my conversation but it was not mentioned to her in anyway. There is a question as to if this is truly who she is or if this is her wanting to be part of a trend or a group. I guess only time will tell.

She has had several sleepovers since telling her friends and for now I don’t know if there is a girl that she likes so I guess I will just assume everyone is a friend until it appears otherwise.

I am really grateful for everyone’s feedback and especially grateful that this generation is so accepting and supportive.

I wouldn't feel bad about the "it's a phase" thought, I mean we had it too. "It's a phase" maybe isn't the best term for it, but I do feel like this generation is very open and kids are not afraid to begin exploring their sexual identities earlier, which is great. They're exposed to a lot more media and social influencers who are open about their own sexual identities and speak openly about it on their channels and to their supporters. I think it's of course definitely possible for kids to know at this age but also definitely possible that they don't know that they don't know and are still exploring, and it's great that they are sharing the process with us as parents!