experiences with cutting back on career

[Philly Mom]

MAs/NPs/PAs have a role, but in my field it takes a long time to train a PA/NP to be independent. It's probably a 6-12 month process...if you can find and hire one which we haven't been successful at doing. We struggle with space a LOT so hiring people is limited by this as well. It's been hard to retain MAs through COVID...I have a few stalwarts and a bunch more that are new/learning and a bunch of openings. All this is not to complain really...I love my staff, they are awesome and they work very very hard as well. But none of this is an easy simple fix

I'm not going to walk out tomorrow - I was able to negotiate a hefty vacation allowance but it's just not long term sustainable. I know you guys can't solve my career problems, there are really probably only a few in the country that truly could advise me on options, but I am just interested in what it feels like to drastically cut back after working so hard to be good at what you do. I worry that I'll feel disappointed in myself, or bored, or lazy, or ??? But I haven't had more than a week off in a row except for maternity leave since 2004 so what do I know?

I may be a slight voice of dissent but I am not sure how to manage your options, and I can only imagine the burn out. I am surrounded by doctors and the burn out is real and severe. I am a lawyer. I am good at what I do and I get personal satisfaction in what I do. I have a niche practice with lots of flexibility so I have that balance that you probably crave. I am also thankful that I have always continued working as I am going through a divorce and it would have been horrible and stressful to be in this position with no good way to earn an income. But more importantly, I find that 90% of my friends have a job, and I think connecting with them would be different without one. I would have less to contribute to our conversations because it would only be about our kids. For my friends, their jobs range from pretty all encompassing to part time, and everyone is looking for ways for more balance. My friend group have discussed working/not working before and I find that most of us like that we have something separate and apart from our family to focus our attention. It is ours. So I guess my advice would be that if you do retire, to find something that is yours and gives you purpose. You are used to having that separate part of you, and it could be hard to lose it.

[basil]

My career wasn’t nearly as fulfilling or rewarding as saving lives through surgery, but when I quit I went through a phase of feeling like I was lazy and disappointed in myself for not working. I’m guessing you will indeed feel that for a period if you retire. Based on what you are saying, how much you believe in what you do and how important your work is for others, you will really need to want to stop, in order for it not to haunt you later. You will have to be at your rope’s end for you to quit without feeling regret. If I under correctly from my friend who was the GI doc, it’s very difficult to get back in once you quit. So going back isn’t an option.


All that said, I will always be thankful for the time with my kids. I’ve long thought that kids need their parents less as babies and toddlers but more as teenagers. That’s when the really big questions come up. And even thought they don’t need help constantly like they do as babies, when they do need help discussing something or thinking something through, the decisions they make can have MUCH bigger consequences if they get them wrong.

Ultimately, your kids will be fine, whether you retire or not. You have to decide what you really want. And you’ll have to decide what will mean more to you in 10-15 years.

It’s not an easy decision. If you don’t mind, I’ll offer prayers for you tonight that you find peace.

Thank you, that's really sweet of you.

Yes, this is exactly my struggle. I am overwhelmed, but there are definitely some really good parts of the job. I have a lot of appreciative patients, though not all of them, and the rude ones can really get me down. I am lucky that I have really good colleagues who are supportive, it's definitely the best place I've ever worked in that regard. But I am just worn out when I get home. I feel like I am really struggling to relate with the kids in the few hours we have together. All I want to do some nights is read my phone and be left alone. And I don't have that many more years left. I can't quit entirely, and maybe I just need a 6 month LOA or something? Or maybe I just need a half time VA job. The kids are getting older and require more thoughtful interaction than when they were little and I could just nurse in front of the TV or something.

I've been thinking about this for many years but haven't figured it out yet, and the default is just to keep going. It's difficult to know the future of medicine and how things will change in the next 10-20 years, so it has always seemed to make sense to keep going and shore up the retirement/college accounts and pay down the house for more flexibility in the future. I'm just at this point so confused as to when to execute that flexibility I've worked so hard for.

[Kestrel]

You said upthread that they are hiring someone to help to start in August... Can you tell them now that you want to work 1/2 time when that person starts? You can always adjust up later if you choose, and they'd be glad to have you. And just having the change in sight can help with burnout... I only have to make it to August! But since you are scheduling so far out, you'll need to give them plenty of notice. And it will make them realize you're serious, if that is a concern.

It is not your fault that your specialty is overbooked - you still have to do what is right for yourself and your family/household.

[Liziz]

I have been a SAHM for several years now, but I used to work in healthcare at a regional administration level, using my Masters' degree level education. This is my second year as a SAHM with both DC full-time in school -- just so you know where I'm coming from with my experience!

Pros:
~ So much less household stress! I love shopping on weekdays, being easily available for repair appointments at home, having moments to meet up with a friend for coffee, and having time ALONE in the house to get things done.
~ Less child-related stress -- without working around my work schedule, I can plan earlier extracurricular activities, deal more easily with doctor/dentist/ortho appts for the kids, easily attend during-the-day events at school (back pre-COVID, that is), etc. It's not stressful if the kids are sick, beyond the normal worry about them. I'm easily available for phone calls with teachers, etc.
~ Availability for volunteer projects - I've been involved heavily in several non-profit Boards, at my kids' school, etc. I like having the ability to pursue some of these projects with a lot more availability
~Better family time - because much of the errands, shopping, cleaning is done during the week, our weekends are much more free for things we want to do as a family. It's also much easier to plan vacations, etc. when you're not dealing with 2 sets of time off requests. The summers are great, because we can do so much, and I have spend multiple weeks away from home (visiting far away family members) with my kids, something I never could have done while working.
~No more work stress! I was at a point where I was routinely very stressed at work. I was working very long hours and always feeling pressured for more. It was a great relief to let it go.

Cons:
~Loss of identity - I used to take a ton of pride in what I did. I was proud to tell people about my job. I was very successful and moved up very quickly at a fairly young age, and I was proud of it. Leaving that and just being clumped into "Mom" or "SAHM" felt disappointing and not nearly as impressive, especially as people often assume SAHM have minimal education, no real work experience, etc. (at least this was my experience) - and it was hard for me and my ego for awhile. (to be clear - in no way whatsoever am I trying to start a "which is harder/better" debate....I'm just addressing the honest psychological response I had at the time, that I think is relevant to OP's considerations.
~When I left full-time work, I was making a significant amount more than DH. We were very well set financially for me to stop working - we'd pretty much been living only off DH's earnings and saving all mine, as we knew I'd likely want to stay home at some point - so it did not put financial strain on us, or require us to change our lifestyle at all. However, even with that being said, it changed something when I wasn't actually earning money anymore. I would feel guilty for spending money on things I would have never thought twice about before. For example - going out to lunch with friends. It used to be a necessary thing (I'm working and need to get food in the middle of the day!) and a well-deserved social break from my very hectic and stressful job. Once I was SAHM, it felt like I was lounging around, spending money unnecessarily. Or, buying more expensive clothes felt like a waste b/c I didn't need to look business professional anymore. My DH and I are both fairly frugal, DH has always been 100% supportive of me being home (it makes his life easier too) and I honestly can't think of a single time he's questioned my spending on anything. But, for the first year or two, it was hard on DH to not see that significant chunk of money coming in (this wasn't even an issue between us, b/c he logically knew all was well, supported our decision, and never made me feel bad about it -- but it was a personal issue and challenge for him to overcome mentally. Had he been someone who questioned my spending, or wasn't 100% on board with the decision, I think this would have been a massive stressor for us both)
~It's hard to keep up when you're out of the work world - I've always intended to go back to full-time work at some point. I originally thought I'd do a great job of keeping up on the industry, etc. so I'd be prepared for when I did want to return. However, I underestimated how hard that is!!! When you're working, it's natural to keep on top of your industry. Once you're not, it's incredibly hard to devote the time to it, and sometimes to even get access to the right information (reading a few articles isn't the same as going to an industry conference every year or living through a major change, etc.) Although I haven't tried to go back yet, I worry this will be harder than I'd anticipated at one point.
~I don't always LIKE being the one available! - when we both worked, DH and I did a pretty solid job of sharing household and child responsibilities. When I stopped working, I took on more things, because I had the availability to do so. It makes zero sense for DH to call around to find a plumber, schedule the plumber, and take time off to supervise the work when I'm so much more available to handle it. Same with things like kids' doctor appointments, etc. BUT....I don't love doing those things. While I don't necessarily mind that I'm the one stuck doing them, I do recall back wistfully to the times when we were both working and shared those responsibilities more. DH is still great about doing things around the house, etc. - it's not like I bear the burden alone - but of course more falls to me now and it's usually the cruddy stuff I don't like doing! Now, if you are already in a household that is fairly skewed towards you doing everything, then this point probably won't apply at all!
~It is SO easy to waste time! If I don't schedule myself to stay quite busy, I easily find myself wasting time (like you said, losing a whole hour to Facebook or something like that). It's been a challenge and taken quite awhile to figure out my groove so I stay as productive as I'd like to
~It can be isolating - In the work world I was used to interacting with LOTS of people (staff, patients, physicians, coworkers etc.) on a daily basis. I now can go whole days where the only people I see are my kids and my DH. Some days I love that, sometimes I miss the interaction of the work world.
~I miss what I did! - I liked the work I did. It was interesting, engaging, and stimulating. I hated the stress involved with my position, but I loved the actual work and was proud of it, and felt like I was doing good. It challenged me intellectually. Nothing I do now (being a mom, all the volunteer work) uses the skill sets I developed through work. (Yes, I've found other things that use great skills I have, but not the industry-specific stuff)

Last year, I found a very-part-time job. It is significantly below the pay level I used to get, and the responsibilities are also significantly less. It's flexible and fun for me. Although it isn't anything like what I used to do, it's in healthcare and again allows me to connect with other professionals and physicians. I have found myself most happy and effective since I started this job. Having scheduled hours to work gives me an impetus to get things done and not waste my "free" time. Being back in a work world setting gives me a chance to maintain a professional identity. I know how hard it is to carve out a part-time position, but I personally think it's the way to go! It sounds like you are very specialized and skilled in a particular area, and may not be easy to replace....I hope you can use that to your advantage if you try to negotiate a part-time situation!

I am sending you lots of good vibes for a path forward that feels right to you. There's no perfect decision, but I'm sure you'll find what's right for you.

[DualvansMommy]

You got lots of good advice, OP. That’s a real dilemma you’re in, and I wanted to say you shouldn’t feel guilty for quitting such a niche speciality job. It isn’t your fault that healthcare system is such a mess that everything is so far out or hard to book.

I’m no surgeon. Only a social worker but I was a SAHM for 10 years and prior to that, worked in high stress mental health capacity. So by time I went on my maternity leave, I was so burnt out that I swore this is it for me. Our kids are around same age, I didn’t want to stay home indefinitely and wanted to have my own income/more to my identity. But I didn’t want to return the FT high stress job for low pay, so a job fell into my lap by my volunteer connections I had while SAHM and really love it now. It turned into FT position, hybrid but now I’ve been promoted twice and fully remote now. Only need to go in office 2-3 a month or less or as needed. It’s very niche skill set I have, so I’ll always be in demand. I like the flexibility of my job as we get unlimited PTO as part of our employee benefits, so it’s really nice to run errands between my assignments, meetings, phone calls during day hours.

I plan to step back more when my kids start HS as like you, I want to be more intentional with my free time with them. I think you’ll be able to find something. It may require lots of conversations with your professional network. You could work PT as a trainer? I don’t know if that is feasible? Since you say the type of surgeons is so small in your field perhaps you could go to different medical schools and train on PT basis? I know nothing about this type of work so maybe it isn’t workable. But I train other people cuz my field doesn’t have a lot of people with my skill set, opening up another practice or program isn’t what is needed for my clients. But more of me type of scenario.

Best of luck to you. You deserve to live out your life the way you want as a reward to yourself.


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[niccig]

I couldn’t stay at home. I’ve been back working full time for 7 years and I couldn’t go back to not working. While there is work stress and juggling of home life, I’m happier for working than I was when I wasn’t. Someone upthread mentioned working can be part of your identity. I feel that’s case for me. I am good at what I do and I’ve gotten better at boundaries so work stress doesn’t spill over. That said, I have 2 side jobs that let me have different work experiences and one day I may quit my full-time job and just have the 2 side jobs. DS is older than your kids and the side work is when DH is home or after school (I work school schedule) so I’m still home by 5 or 6 rather than 4:30. DS is driving so gets himself to/from school now. While he does still need me, he doesn’t need me to get him from A to B and he’s increased his independence with school and other things. He calls me from the drugstore asking if he needs to buy his dad or I anything while he’s there. This has changed what I can do with my time.


I also need to earn my own money. DH has never been one to control money, but I have issues and feel strongly about contributing to our finances. It’s too stressful for me to be only 1 income family. We did that and while DH does earn a good income, I was always stressed about it. Too much can change and I feel more secure with 2 incomes. But I have money/security issues so this may not apply to others.

DH is looking at extending his work beyond when he thought he’d need to retire. He enjoys the creativity of his work and the socialization. Many of his colleagues are much younger, sometimes he feels like the old guy, but the friendships formed have carried over to outside of work. He wonders if he retired earlier, would he lose that creativity and socialization. Working from home was very difficult for him. He needs to be around others and is now saying he’ll work longer for those reasons.

So working is better for me. But my main job is 7:30-4, and the extra work I do has flexibility (I can do as much or as little as I want). If I was you, I would try to put boundaries in place and reduce hours before I would quit, especially if it’s difficult to get back in.


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[candaceb]

I have a friend who was a psychiatrist at a major university medical center. At 58, she was totally burned out. She quit her full professor position and started working a couple of days a week in the psych ER. Her kids are out of the house so she's in a different situation but similar in terms of needing to find a way to occupy her time productively. She has just started in a bioethics program thinking that she will sit on panels. One of my clients was forced out of his university position (for non-medical ethics reasons) and now works at a low-income clinic a couple of days a week and really likes it. He was head of his department at the university so it is a big change, but he seems to like working with all the different types of people who come through as opposed to the narrow specialty and bureaucratic BS he dealt with for many years.

[ArizonaGirl]

Not sure what specialty you have, but would trauma be an option?
I work in a large Healthcare system and while I'm not a physician perhaps that option be an avenue you could explore.

[westwoodmom04]

Westwoodmom, do you ever feel like you are "wasting" your degree/time put in earning it by not working? (I am not saying you are, just that I worry I would feel that way myself).

Part of the problem is that I think I am really very good at what I do and there is a great need for it. Not many people can do it, even fewer want to. It will be difficult to find something that allows me to do what I am best at while still working less hours. It's complicated. And every time I think about walking away, that's what stops me. What I do is probably close to what I was put on earth to do, in terms of natural ability, but I can't keep going at the same pace very much longer.

I have many friends who walked away too. I don't know if they are happier or not. But a younger close colleague just got handed a life-threatening diagnosis, and I feel like time is so limited in life.

No, I don’t feel like that. I practiced law for close to 20 years at a high level, that’s plenty. It was very difficult to balance kids with both my husband and I working, and it required outsourcing a ton. I just had enough of it, and I don’t miss it at all.

[squimp]

I worked part time for about 10 years I started out at 25% when my daughter was born and then moved to 50% for a very long time and then 75% time. It was great! I actually think that older kids in some ways need us more at least in different ways than babies. So I totally understand why you would want to do this. It worked out well for me but my job is somewhat flexible and my workplace is very accommodating.