Advice - ask to stop exchanging presents

[niccig]

So I have 2 sisters. Younger sister and I have been improving our relationship and dealing with the family dysfunction. I’m further along the path than she is with our mother and older sister. It’s younger sister’s birthday today. Both mom and older sister text her, do not call her and when she replies asking if they’re available to chat, she gets no response. Both mom and older sister do not call or text us, and do not reply if we call or send them a text. This has been going on for over a year for younger sister and 2 years for me. I don’t bother to try anymore. Not talking to you is my mother’s form of punishment. Older sister it seems is now doing the same.

Issue is older sister sends gifts for birthday and Christmas (she lives overseas), usually something small and not expensive and not necessarily personal. A scarf or a t-shirt. We both get the same thing. Younger sister and I feel we have to respond and send a gift card for her birthday and Christmas, which I know is impersonal too but if you haven’t spoken to me, I don’t know what to get you. I’d like to stop the gift exchange. There’s no relationship, so why exchange gifts?

Any suggestions for wording for a text? She won’t respond and she may still keep sending gifts


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[KpbS]

That is so hard. I’m sorry.

I think she must enjoy sending these gifts and it is one way she can connect with you guys. While it feels impersonal to you for the reasonable reasons you mentioned, I would let her keep sending them and send her something along the same lines. Hopefully one day she will be able to actually connect and form a relationship again with her sisters.

Sending hugs ((((hugs))))

[AnnieW625]

That is so hard. I’m sorry.

I think she must enjoy sending these gifts and it is one way she can connect with you guys. While it feels impersonal to you for the reasonable reasons you mentioned, I would let her keep sending them and send her something along the same lines. Hopefully one day she will be able to actually connect and form a relationship again with her sisters.

Sending hugs ((((hugs))))

I completely agree with this. Lots of hugs to you all.


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[wendibird22]

I wouldn’t send a text. If you no longer wish to send a gift to her I would just stop doing so. She may continue to send something or may not. You aren’t obligated to reciprocate if she does.

Only you can decide if you want to have a relationship with this sister and whether maintaining the sending of gifts is important to the likelihood of repairing the relationship.


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[gatorsmom]

I think this is one of those situations where you can’t tell someone to stop buying you gifts without insulting them. That would likely hurt her feelings and cause a rift. You could stop buying her gifts and that’s probably the way I’d go if you really didn’t want to buy them for her anymore. But if getting each other gifts is the only little bit of kindness you have between you right now, then doing away with that is likely to hurt your relationship too unless you replace it with something else like more frequent text messages like, “I saw your favorite flower today and thought of you.” “Remember that time we rode our bikes to the beach? It’s such a beautiful day today I was thinking of you and how much fun we had.” She may respond or she may not, but you have at least made an attempt to reach her.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m particularly sorry your older sister is turning into your mom. All that family negativity is such a drain on your energy. It’s amazing to me how tiring this kind of drama can be (I have some of my own right now). to you.

[Snow mom]

I'm definitely of the opinion that receiving a gift does not create an obligation to buy a gift or a gift exchange. I'd just stop sending the gift if that's what you wish to do. Notifying her that you aren't sending a gift or asking her to not send you a gift is not going to go over well. She will get the message when you don't send anything and she can decide whether this is an "exchange" for her or if she wishes to continue sending something.

[KpbS]

unless you replace it with something else like more frequent text messages like, “I saw your favorite flower today and thought of you.” “Remember that time we rode our bikes to the beach? It’s such a beautiful day today I was thinking of you and how much fun we had.” She may respond or she may not, but you have at least made an attempt to reach her.

This is beautiful.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm definitely of the opinion that receiving a gift does not create an obligation to buy a gift or a gift exchange. I'd just stop sending the gift if that's what you wish to do. Notifying her that you aren't sending a gift or asking her to not send you a gift is not going to go over well. She will get the message when you don't send anything and she can decide whether this is an "exchange" for her or if she wishes to continue sending something.

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I’ll take your advice and not send a text. It really makes no sense that she buys 2 presents (buys the same thing for both of us), and spends time wrapping and then mailing the presents, but she has not responded to a text or phone call in 2 years. My younger sister looked back though the shared chat and there is no response from her to anything. We’ve tried to stay in contact as Gatorsmom suggested, but it goes into a black hole.

I’ve seen my mom ignore and shut out people my entire life, we always expected she would do it to us as she’s done it to her own siblings (hasn’t talked to one sister in 15 years). Looks like my older sister is following mom.

Not sure if I’ll continue to send presents. Her birthday is April, so that gives me some time to think about what I’ll do


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[roobee]

Could you make a donation in her name? Maybe to an organization that means something to her or your family? My aunt did that a few years ago and I know my mom was grateful that the gift giving merry-go-round had finally ended.

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