I'll try to condense here, but as with most family stuff there is a lot of backstory.
I have a cousin, Jane. Jane and I grew up seeing each other frequently, but hard to say that we ever really got along. She's 4 years older than me. Jane's mom, Sue, was an alcoholic. I don't think I was particularly aware of this as a young child, but now realize this was very tough for Jane. Jane's father, Bob, is a good guy but maybe didn't protect Jane enough from the effects of Sue's alcoholism.
My grandmother (Bob's mother and my mother's mother) always preferred me to Jane. She didn't like Sue, for obvious reasons, and I think that transferred to Jane. Jane went through a rebellious period in her late teens, early 20s. She got tattoos, dyed her hair, dropped out of college, maybe there were drugs involved not really sure. Grandmother really was hard on Jane during this time. I was a dorky kid in medical school and never got in trouble, and my grandmother liked this. Jane started taking this out on me and would go through long periods of not talking to me, back then. Jane got things together though, and got married, has a successful sales career, a very talented and sweet daughter, and a lot of hobbies she's really good at.
About 5 years ago, Sue committed suicide, which was traumatic for both Jane and Bob. Jane and I went through a period where she was probably trying to create more of a relationship with me. Admittedly, I wasn't too interested in a friend/sister relationship with Jane, and tried to distance myself a bit, while still being civil. Jane can be very intense when she's being nice, and maybe my inability to cope with this was one of the reasons she and I never really got along even as kids.
Since then, Jane will again go through long periods of refusing to speak to me. Won't acknowledge my texts no matter how innocuous. Misses my kids' birthdays, etc. Then she'll go back to being normal. This seemed to only occur with me. Jane has always been close to my mother (her aunt), and my brother. So she'll regularly communicate with them (and invite them over) and shut me out, for reasons I can never quite figure out and (because she's not talking to me) she never explains.
In June, my grandmother fell and ended up in the hospital. I left work and went there to meet my mother thinking I would help get her into the building and find my grandmother's room. Jane happened to come at the same time (neither me nor my mother knew she would be there). The 3 of us waited in a long line to get in during visiting hours, then we were told only 1 person could go at a time and my mother essentially pushed me in first. I think she was thinking my medical background would be useful to understand what was happening. It wasn't pre-planned and in retrospect maybe wasn't the best decision but we were all stressed.
Jane got really mad at both of us. She refused to speak/text/acknowledge my mother for 4 months. This was really hard for my mom. She didn't speak to me either but I am used to it. Jane did not show up for a birthday party we had in August for my son and my brother's daughter. She sent lots of texts and presents to my brother/SIL, and didn't acknowledge the fact that my mom and I sent her daughter presents for her birthday. She didn't send a gift, card, or any acknowledgement of my son's birthday around the same time.
My mom tried to talk to her brother, Bob, Jane's father...he kind of just shrugged and said "she's like that sometimes".
Anyway, last weekend my grandmother unfortunately passed away. I think Jane is speaking to my mom again now...but not me still. And in fact she seems to be refusing to come to any sort of family get together/memorial service that includes me, while posting a lot on facebook about how she misses my brother's daughters, etc.
At this point, I am pretty close to done putting any effort into this. I love Jane's daughter and I am sad that my kids apparently can't grow up knowing her or Jane. I think that's a loss. But I don't really understand why I am the constant scapegoat for all that is wrong. I get pretty angry when I think about the way that Jane is apparently including my children in her dislike of me. The rest of my family didn't really believe that Jane was actually freezing me out until this last episode that involved my mother. Now they believe me, but don't have any insight or suggestion, other than "that's just the way she is sometimes".
I don't really know where to go from here. Clearly this is still bothering me because I'm spending time stewing on this and writing this. I would apologize but I don't even know what she's mad about, really. She hasn't spoken/texted/otherwise communicated with me since November - when she shot down my idea of having an outdoor Thanksgiving, which in retrospect, we really should have done