What have been the most effective things you've done as a parent?

[gatorsmom]

Honestly when I first read this post yesterday it kind of rubbed me the wrong way and I wasn’t going to respond. I just felt that I haven’t done nearly enough compared to everyone else here that was going to be worth sharing.

But yesterday I had a good experience I want to share. My Dd2 and her BFF were at the high school football game (w/us and DD1 is on the dance team so we go to all of the games) and our team is trailing 46-18 or something and the opposing team had an amazing special teams running back who no one could catch and our team’s kicker (who only has one full arm and a half a left arm) ran after as the running back ran 70+ yards to score. The kicker didn’t catch him before he scored. As it happened though apparently one of parents from our side of the stands said something like “why is #5 the only one chasing this guy down and we all know he won’t be able to get him” and DD2 turned around and said “don’t bully #5.” After the game the kickers parents came up to myself and DH and asked us if Dd2 was the one who stuck up for their son and I said yes. They thanked us for raising Dd2 right. Dd2 is very cognizant of people making fun of others and standing up for others who are being made fun of (she has had some instances where she was made fun of at a prior school). In general both of my girls know not to make fun of others with disabilities or who are different than others.

I have also taught my kids to be somewhat independent and to do things on their own.

Sleep has also been a good thing for us; although it is getting slightly harder with Dd1 due to homework and what not and balancing two sports this fall (tennis, and dance).


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Wow, that took guts for her to stand up to that parent, especially in a crowd of people. Way to go, mom!

[AnnieW625]

Wow, that took guts for her to stand up to that parent, especially in a crowd of people. Way to go, mom!

She was a few rows down from the parents who said it we think and the stands were pretty sparse and she didn’t turn around to say it. She has no filter sometimes and this was one time where it was okay.


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[basil]

I saw this a bit ago and I my natural inclination is to answer "nothing"! What they did they did on their own - it's who they are - not some influence from me!

But I thought about it quite a bit, and here is what I think. I think the choice to move my family from where we were in 2013 (the midwest, 2 good jobs, new house we had built ~2 years ago, good friends) to the area where my family lives (mass, higher housing prices, lower salaries) was the best thing I've done for them. It took a bit of sacrifice - DH would love to tell you that we lost money on the midwest house, and I still miss it - it was a gorgeous house I had designed from the ground up. But having 2 careers and 2 little ones 2 years old and -6 months, we decided to be back around my family. I don't think we predicted at that time how it would end. But we ended up 5 min from my brother, who now has 2 kids, and 30 minutes from my parents. My parents come and "babysit" with all 4 one day a week and they seem to love it. It's so lovely to see the relationships between my kids and my brother's kids. It's great to see the love between my parents and my kids. I really enjoy my role as an aunt for my nieces. We have family dinners (10 of us) at least every 2 weeks (except for prevaccine COVID, of course). They are the stuff of life - people talking and laughing and eating. I hope my kids remember them as I will - such happy times.

Love is not a zero sum game, and moving was the only way I could think to inject more love into my kids' lives. Who knows what the future brings. But I hope the love they develop with their family now will serve them in the future.

[Globetrotter]

My first answer was more superficial, but I think the best thing we did was move them to a different school when they were younger. It was risky but this was in response to DD’s school anxiety, and I think it was a good choice. I’ve tried to be in tune with their mental health, though it hasn’t always been easy and I’ve made some mistakes along the way. But to this day they both say how glad they are that I’m not like other parents (we live around a lot of Tiger parents). DD outgrew her school anxiety and has developed into a very confident young woman.

[Globetrotter]

She was a few rows down from the parents who said it we think and the stands were pretty sparse and she didn’t turn around to say it. She has no filter sometimes and this was one time where it was okay.


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that took guts. Wtg!!

[bisous]

Annie I love it! We need more kids like that!

Interesting how many of you have indicated that choosing a new home city or neighborhood or a different school has had a major impact. That makes so much sense! I read somewhere (I wish I could find where!) that the two biggest things that parents can do for their kids to succeed at school is to encourage reading and to make sure they have good teachers. Obviously good teachers can be found everywhere but some schools do seem to have them more abundantly (and that often has little to do with traditional markers of "good schools"!)

I'm sorry if the question provokes sadness in anyone. I love the wealth of responses so far because actually some of the things you guys were amazing at, I'm AWFUL at. Reading about your success is inspiring to me and it reminds me that every family is different in part because every child is different. The things that matter to one child will not matter quite so much to another and so on...I am a huge believer in parent intuition. I don't think all parents are good parents but I think if there is even a modicum of desire to try and a little humility I think most parents can become the parents their kids need. The journey is individual and it isn't a competition. As each child succeeds the world is better--not just for that family and that child but for everyone and I love that everyone shared this because it uplifts me in my parenting journey. (This is cheesy but I'm just basking in these sentiments today so pardon my cheese!)

[mom2binsd]

From an early age, both of my kids were comfortable being out in the evenings (we attended evening hockey games as part of xh's job), and being in restaurants and generally "out and about" a lot. They were able to sleep anywhere if needed, and were socialized early on to be with a variety of people in many settings. I feel like those early social activities developed their social skills.

Since being a single parent, they have had to adjust to doing more themselves, but no more than was reasonable for their age, but they did much more than most of the peers. DD did all of her college apps herself, has gotten all her jobs on her own, and does so much independently it make me feel like having lots of responsibility earlier was helpful.
They were also comfortable going with other parents to sporting events when I couldn't go due to work or taking the other child somewhere.

I pushed for DD to get diagnosed with adhd, and to start taking meds, DH wasn't onboard, but I have primary custody and he didn't have much experience seeing how she struggled in the early grades, and medication was a miracle for her, and then later DS.

I have not been the most restrictive parent (at least according to BBB standards), phones were not kept in my room, they were allowed social media, diet choices at times can be questionable although most of the times we eat healthy and they love all foods, they got to see movies that may have had swearing or sex, but they have so far managed to handle all of these, we are open, and talk about things as they are exposed to something and it works for us. I think compared to other parents we know I am more strict, when they were younger when I was the only one with a kid rear facing or in a harnessed seat in 1st grade people thought I was super cautious.

[carolinamama]

I've really had to think about this one. I'm actually pretty confident in my parenting but it's hard for me to list what I've done that's had a substantial impact on our kids. There are a few things that come to mind after more thought.

*We live 15-20 minutes from my parents and actively involve them in our lives. They support their grandkids by attending sporting events, school functions and doing mutually enjoyable activities ie golfing, boating etc. A few weeks ago, DS1 (16) had a free Sunday evening. Instead of playing video games or hanging out, he drove himself to my parents house to visit. They watched football and chatted. I love that he made arrangements for an impromptu visit on his own and wants to have a relationship with his grandparents. My other two ask to go see their grandparents and DD hung out there Saturday.
*School choices have definitely impacted our lives. We kept DD in a small Montessori school while we worked through her learning challenges and get her the extensive help to succeed. I truly believe she would be a different kid if we had put her in a traditional school classroom earlier than we did in 4th grade. She was never labeled as below grade level, even though she didn't learn to read at all until 2nd-3rd grade. She never lost self-confidence or exhibited anxiety, which I consider huge. DS2 was in a bad place in 5th grade - lots of anxiety about school and he was effectively falling through the cracks. He was an absolute mess and so disorganized. We pulled him out of public school for middle school and he's doing so much better academically and socially in private. It was a struggle last year but he's taken over his organization, does his work on time and is better mentally. The timing also worked out in his favor with Covid since he went to school all last year. He and DD like being in the same school now.
*Travel outside the US. I like to think we've exposed our kids to other cultures and a global perspective. I hope they understand other cultures can and do live and thrive, even if they do it differently than Americans.

[citymama]

This is an amazing thread. Bookmarking to come back to this.

Like someone else said, I feel like I have made so many mistakes, especially during the pandemic. But I love focusing on what we did right, because we don't do that enough. There's no perfect parenting, I aim to be "good enough" and find it instructional/inspiring to hear what small successes we can each point to that might one day be big. I am the worst at bedtime - my kids are so often up till midnight and I have become worse at avoiding yelling at them when they don't listen (which is often). But my lapses don't have to define me because I did get some things right, right?

--both great readers, we read to them constantly as babies, toddlers, still do!
--older dd is the most adventurous eater and because she likes to eat, she also learned how to cook really well. younger dd is a fussy eater, but I can trace that right back to her food allergies which resulted in us being cautious about her diet as a toddler and little kid. I wouldn't have changed that.
--both are kind, empathetic kids, which I think they get by having been exposed to many different kinds of people and situations, including travel in Asia

One thing I intentionally did at the risk of my own sanity and certainly the appearance of my home: allow creative mess. Not just an excuse for not cleaning, but I allowed portions of our home to become converted into cardboard forts, unfinished lego villages, art studios - and while we tried to get them to clean up after themselves, we never expected full clean up and putting away of projects in progress even when they took weeks. Art and creativity takes time and some chaos. My home is not in Architectural Digest and never will be. My 11 year old hand makes her elaborate but imperfect Halloween costumes and isn't afraid to take artistic risks. We never demanded Pinterest ready crafts, never did the work for them, and encouraged open-ended DIY madness. We live on old IKEA furniture and art supplies have always taken precedence over dinner-party ready appearances of our shared space. (I do fantasize about that one day though!)

They also learned basic knife skills, carpentry, pitching tents, making a fire - they may not be particularly sporty but they do love the great outdoors. (DH is responsible for these skills!)

I am interested in StantonHyde and other comments about early interventions. I feel like I was slow on that front (speech for one kid, therapy for another) but at least we did start eventually and are down that track. I feel like I need to continue to be vigilant and ready to step in some more - would welcome advice.

[gatorsmom]

I am interested in StantonHyde and other comments about early interventions. I feel like I was slow on that front (speech for one kid, therapy for another) but at least we did start eventually and are down that track. I feel like I need to continue to be vigilant and ready to step in some more - would welcome advice.

Yes! Yes! How could I forget this?? Early testing, diagnosis and intervention has been HUGE for my kids and our family. I've always been an advocate of early intervention based on our amazing experiences. My kids tell me about other kids they know are struggling in school due to very obvious inabilities to sit still and not jump up and distract the class. Or have reading, spelling, writing difficulties, etc. I've been vocal in the past about what a difference diagnosis and therapy have made for my children so if someone wants any doctor recommendations, I'm happy to give them. It's sad to see kids who are struggling for one reason or another not get the help that could give them strategies, make them more confident, feel less helpless, etc.