Long Hair and Matted Tangles

[lizzywednesday]

DD has long, very thick, very wavy hair that takes forever to wash and tangles easily. She refuses to put it up and rejects offers of braids, help with maintenance, etc.

While I think it's important for her to take care of her own hair, I don't think that's possible anymore - she doesn't brush it consistently, favoring extra sleep time instead of brushing, and when she does brush it, she starts at the top & stops about midway through, leaving the tangles in, which then mat up, forcing me to sit her down to brush out weeks and weeks of poorly groomed hair.

It's gotten to the point where keeping it at its current length is more work than she can manage, especially without asking for help caring for it, and I hate brushing her hair because when it's bad, it takes HOURS to get it brushed out.

How short should I have it cut? It's currently a little shorter than waist-length, so I think cutting it somewhere between her shoulder blades and her collarbone will allow her to learn how to care for it properly while it grows out again. (I think this means we're cutting about 4-5".)

[SnuggleBuggles]

Cutting it makes sense. I’d also look at buying some detangle spray. When I was young, my mom bought me Nexxus Humectris (sp?) and it was all fancy and I felt grown up using it- and it cut through tangles.


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[twowhat?]

I would also cut it as short as she's willing to go, and work on having her brush her hair starting at the ends. Wanted to recommend this brush: https://www.amazon.com/Sosoon-Bristl...7680855&sr=8-5

My DD2 has straight thick hair, but there are a ton of wavy hair reviews too and I could see it working really well. There is something about the combo of boar's hair and plastic bristles that is magic. DD2 has taken SO MUCH BETTER CARE of her hair since I got her this brush! Another thing that really helps is brushing out the hair before washing it.

[carolinamama]

I think it makes sense to give her the option of caring for her long hair or cutting it shorter. It's a matter of self-hygiene. I would probably cut it short enough to get rid of the length but long enough to still put up in a ponytail so slightly longer than shoulder-length.

My DD has long, wavy hair that is easily matted. She uses the Not Your Mothers Naturals Leave In Conditioner to brush through in the morning. I cut it in half with water so it doesn't build up too much. She also brushes it in the shower before rinsing out her conditioner, which is only twice a week, and sleeps with a loose braid if it's still wet. This makes a huge difference.

[Globetrotter]

I think it makes sense to give her the option of caring for her long hair or cutting it shorter. It's a matter of self-hygiene. I would probably cut it short enough to get rid of the length but long enough to still put up in a ponytail so slightly longer than shoulder-length.

My DD has long, wavy hair that is easily matted. She uses the Not Your Mothers Naturals Leave In Conditioner to brush through in the morning. I cut it in half with water so it doesn't build up too much. She also brushes it in the shower before rinsing out her conditioner, which is only twice a week, and sleeps with a loose braid if it's still wet. This makes a huge difference.

I was going to suggest this routine. Can you convince her that a loose braid can help prevent painful tangles?

[lizzywednesday]

I think it makes sense to give her the option of caring for her long hair or cutting it shorter. It's a matter of self-hygiene. I would probably cut it short enough to get rid of the length but long enough to still put up in a ponytail so slightly longer than shoulder-length.

I agree; I told her that we'd have to consider cutting it because I think it's too much for her to manage independently right now and she's not asking for help. But I promised that it wouldn't be "short-short" - I think shoulder-ish length will be long enough that she doesn't feel naked, but short enough to allow her to learn how to care for it properly.

My DD has long, wavy hair that is easily matted. She uses the Not Your Mothers Naturals Leave In Conditioner to brush through in the morning. I cut it in half with water so it doesn't build up too much. She also brushes it in the shower before rinsing out her conditioner, which is only twice a week, and sleeps with a loose braid if it's still wet. This makes a huge difference.

If I'm brushing her hair, I braid it. We have to work on learning braiding techniques over the winter break so she can do it herself. I agree that it makes a huge difference!

[Snow mom]

How does she feel about having it cut? Would she be more interested in a short cut that would allow her to donate the hair she has cut off? DD has very long, fine, straight hair. I joke frequently that it has two states: being brushed and tangled. You can brush it for 15 minutes and think they’re all out and two minutes later it will have tangles again. I struggle a bit to help her with it because my hair is thick and curly so I just don’t really understand her hair. All that to say we’ve had similar struggles. DD is nearly 13 and I still brush her hair most days. The deal we’ve struck is that I will help her brush her hair (which is truly necessary) and she won’t complain (too much ) about me doing it. I long ago tossed the idea of “making” her cut her hair as I really feel like this sets bad precedence. I don’t threaten her hair—it’s important to her—I just do my best to help with product ideas, techniques, and ultimately acknowledging that it still takes my oversight and management. If I was going to cut her hair for management reasons it would need to be quite short because it’s the nape area that is hardest for her to reach and detanged herself.

[lizzywednesday]

How does she feel about having it cut? Would she be more interested in a short cut that would allow her to donate the hair she has cut off? DD has very long, fine, straight hair. I joke frequently that it has two states: being brushed and tangled. You can brush it for 15 minutes and think they’re all out and two minutes later it will have tangles again. I struggle a bit to help her with it because my hair is thick and curly so I just don’t really understand her hair. All that to say we’ve had similar struggles. DD is nearly 13 and I still brush her hair most days. The deal we’ve struck is that I will help her brush her hair (which is truly necessary) and she won’t complain (too much ) about me doing it. I long ago tossed the idea of “making” her cut her hair as I really feel like this sets bad precedence. I don’t threaten her hair—it’s important to her—I just do my best to help with product ideas, techniques, and ultimately acknowledging that it still takes my oversight and management. If I was going to cut her hair for management reasons it would need to be quite short because it’s the nape area that is hardest for her to reach and detanged herself.

We've talked about what "cut" means because I want her to be able to enjoy her hair, but also ... she's begun getting distressed about the tangles when she's in class, so we have to have it at a more manageable length.

I don't believe in donating hair; not that it's not a well-intentioned thing to do, but more ... donating hair makes donors feel good, but causes a real logistical issue for the charitable organizations on the receiving end.

DD's tangles are on the bottom layer of her hair, roughly at her shoulders. Cutting it to her shoulders (or slightly below) seems to be the best point to allow her the joy of the length, but easier self-care.

[Snow mom]

We've talked about what "cut" means because I want her to be able to enjoy her hair, but also ... she's begun getting distressed about the tangles when she's in class, so we have to have it at a more manageable length.

I don't believe in donating hair; not that it's not a well-intentioned thing to do, but more ... donating hair makes donors feel good, but causes a real logistical issue for the charitable organizations on the receiving end.

DD's tangles are on the bottom layer of her hair, roughly at her shoulders. Cutting it to her shoulders (or slightly below) seems to be the best point to allow her the joy of the length, but easier self-care.

Making a wig takes more than just hair. Most of these organizations either need to fundraise for cash donations or sell some of the donated hair to fund making the wigs. I don’t think this makes the organizations unworthy, especially for those who ultimately receive the wigs. You can feel good donating a pony tail, even if it will be sold for profit to pay for a wig made of other hair.

That’s where my DD gets tangles too. She seems incapable of brushing out the bottom layer in the back. It needs brushed daily or it becomes a nightmare. I still don’t believe in cutting hair as a logical consequence of not being able to manage hair on your own. If she agrees with the solution though then sounds like a win for everyone.

ETA: I also wanted to mention that some of the leave ins or detangling spray make tangles easier to get out initially, but they can make hair kind of sticky and then it tangles more easily. So it’s worth trying different products and trouble shooting what helps and what doesn’t.

[Kestrel]

When does she wash her hair? I've always been one to wash my long hair in the evening, and then braid for bed. It makes things so much easier in the morning to unbraid and brush, and not have to untangle in the morning. I know you said she wasn't willing to braid, but is does that include for bed, or does she just not want to style it that way for day? It would also smooth your mornings, which is a win for everyone!