Unequal Sibling Treatment (by Parents) Support Group?

[bisous]

Just thought I'd throw this out there...

Anyone else have the issue of being treated completely differently (worse) than their sibling by their own parents? In my case it is complicated because my parents divorced and remarried. My Stepdad and Mom treat us all the same (well, my mom doesn't exactly but at least on the surface we were given the same opportunities, etc.) but my Dad and Stepmom treat my brother in an entirely different category altogether. Most days I feel peace with it. Because I am included so completely by my other family I do feel like I belong somewhere. I just every so often (usually around the holidays) feel angry about it and want to say something.

I ultimately don't say anything because a. what's done is done b. you can't change someone else's feelings towards you and mostly c. I don't necessarily want my Dad to make a bigger effort with regard to my family. Like I want him to know he did a crappy thing but I came out ok so I guess I have moved on?

I was just wondering if anyone has any good coping strategies? I have drawn boundaries and my parents are kind to my kids (they don't notice the difference much and are loved by their other grandparents plenty!) I just need to figure out a good strategy for my hurt and frustration and I'm looking for a good outlet beyond just secretly harboring the desire to tell him off, lol.

Anyone else in the club?

[California]

I’m getting confused on your family dynamics. Can you clarify- you have one brother who your mom doesn’t treat as well, right? Is this a different brother, and is he biologically the stepmom’s son and getting preferential treatment?

[hellokitty]

Me. Unwanted oldest child and only daughter born into an asian immigrant family that favors boys. Pretty much my entire upbringing and even adult life is a, "what not to do" guide for horrible parenting of playing favorites and scapegoating one kid for no reason other than they were the undesired sex. My father set this tone, my mom his codependent enabler just ran with it, and my two younger brothers who not realize the issues as adults did not as children and just made it worse for me.

Yes, I have a horrible relationship with my parents. My father died last month, and I feel like I've closed a chapter on my life where I felt like everything he did was with ****ty intentions to kick me down and then laugh at me to tell me I'm as awful as he said I'd be. The irony is I'm not. When I left for college I had zero self esteem, and have spent the last 30 years clawing my way up to what I would consider a low average level of self-esteem. The only thing that has kept me going is that somehow I didn't break from being treated like crap my entire life and I've developed somewhat of an attitude to just plug through even when things suck because I'm so used to it... as in my coping is hypervigilance and numbing, so I am like every employer's dream come true and I know it's not healthy for me.

Is there a support group? Well, the closest thing is groups for adults raised by narcissists. However, I found that being around that amount of negativity (even though I related to most of it), was not good for me as it just kept bringing up feelings of resentment and anger. Does it suck? Yes. However, for my own sake I need to figure out how to move on with my life and not fall into bad coping patterns. So, I go through tremendous effort to surround myself with positive and supportive people, since the ones I'm related to are mostly awful (my dad's entire side of the family is toxic). I have one brother who understands and acknowledges how poorly I have been treated. My other one was the golden child, and still enjoys many privileges from that status and doesn't want to acknowledge a lot of crap I was put through. Yes, it causes some hard feelings... it's there and I let it be there instead of just trying to stuff those feelings down.

I do better for my own kids too, because I know my dad's toxicity was generational. My mom would constantly compare my dad to his father and say, "well at least he's not as bad as his dad, at least he doesn't beat us, at least he isn't a drug addict, at least he puts a roof over our head, at least he isn't an alcoholic." You get the picture, basically, my mom could only justify my dad as being, "ok," by comparing him to the scum of society. I call her out on it, she hates it, but I call her out on everything now because I am so sick and tired of having been brought up abused and being told I was the problem when it was them.

[bisous]

I’m getting confused on your family dynamics. Can you clarify- you have one brother who your mom doesn’t treat as well, right? Is this a different brother, and is he biologically the stepmom’s son and getting preferential treatment?

Oh you're so right. So my family is complicated. I am the oldest and have one full sister. Our parents split when she was a baby and I was 2. Both parents remarried. One side (Mom's) had three more kids and the other side (Dad's) had one. I have always been treated wonderfully by my Stepdad. My Stepmom was never mean to me, but I was never invited on family vacations, saw my Dad twice a year, DB had college at an Ivy covered whereas I got $100 a month. I was honestly grateful what small amount was given to me! Also, I was ok because my Stepdad paid for all five of "his kids" to go to school. (A set amount NOT enough for an IVY, mind.)

So I have TWO half brothers, not related. One is my brother from my Mom and Stepdad. The other is my brother from my Dad and Stepmom. He's the "golden" child on that family. But the difference is mostly financial etc.

My mom has issues for preferring/treating her kids better/worse. But she was subtle (ish) about it. She still paid for DBs college, etc. It is DEFINITELY and issue that I struggle with but I guess I just always felt like "family" whereas with my Dad I don't. I always feel like an interloper. With my Dad it is all "niceness" but I'm just really not considered part of the family.

Both are bad. Heck, my situation is probably better than that of my half brother (the brother you remember that was treated at the "bottom" of the hierarchy in my family growing up!) because for me at least I had good treatment in one of my families!

A dozen times I have considered telling my dad that his treatment hurt me but I always stop shy. We're just simply not close enough to talk frankly like that. Most of the time I decide it isn't worth my time to spend any time or energy on it but every so often (once a year or less) it just REALLY bothers me.

I probably need therapy but in my family I have to take a number on that one, lol.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I’m in that club! My dad got remarried when I was 4 and I have 2 half-brothers. Things were fine enough growing up. I’d go to dad’s for a week at Christmas and 2 weeks in the summer. When I was a young adult, they started saying “it wasn’t a good time” to come at Christmas. And when I got married, dad said “I’ll have to check and let you know if I can come.” When I had kids, they came around much more…but when my half-brother had kids, we basically got dumped. Literally, they’ll be on the 7 hour drive to my brother’s house 25 min from mine and say, “oh, can we stop in for 10 min?” And now, we haven’t seen them for years. I asked if we could drive the 7 hours, stay in a hotel and see them in the driveway, and they said they’d have to check. My brother’s family stays with them in their house 2 weeks a year and those grandkids stay there independently. Mine do not even know what the inside of their house looks like. We stayed there when I was nursing a now teen, but not since!

A support group would be interesting…counseling is helpful, but I’m just over it. The other brother lives in dad’s neighborhood and sees them, of course… I’m trying to schedule a one-day visit with a hotel, etc. but I’m sure it’ll be futile.


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[bisous]

I’m in that club! My dad got remarried when I was 4 and I have 2 half-brothers. Things were fine enough growing up. I’d go to dad’s for a week at Christmas and 2 weeks in the summer. When I was a young adult, they started saying “it wasn’t a good time” to come at Christmas. And when I got married, dad said “I’ll have to check and let you know if I can come.” When I had kids, they came around much more…but when my half-brother had kids, we basically got dumped. Literally, they’ll be on the 7 hour drive to my brother’s house 25 min from mine and say, “oh, can we stop in for 10 min?” And now, we haven’t seen them for years. I asked if we could drive the 7 hours, stay in a hotel and see them in the driveway, and they said they’d have to check. My brother’s family stays with them in their house 2 weeks a year and those grandkids stay there independently. Mine do not even know what the inside of their house looks like. We stayed there when I was nursing a now teen, but not since!

A support group would be interesting…counseling is helpful, but I’m just over it. The other brother lives in dad’s neighborhood and sees them, of course… I’m trying to schedule a one-day visit with a hotel, etc. but I’m sure it’ll be futile.


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Oh my gosh. That's really hard because you're making the effort and there is NO response. That's really drastic. I'm glad that you feel like you're over it and sad that you put in such effort and are rebuffed. Do you make the effort because it is something you're seeking? Your kids are seeking? Just to be nice?

[niccig]

Yes, because the family is fractured - my cousin’s apt description. His immediate family has a similar dynamic so I do think some was inherited behaviors by our mothers. Growing up I didn’t feel that way, but my younger sister definitely got the worst of it from my mother looking back. I was the smart one, my older sister was the artistic one and my younger sister was the problem one.

As adults I realized my mother can only deal with 1 child at a time. If you were visiting for the holidays, the first one there she bonded with and the next to arrive she’d treat like crap. Now with mom further into her mental health issues (never formally diagnosed because there’s nothing wrong with her, it’s everyone else’s fault), I’ve completely dropped the rope and my younger sister finally had enough of being shat on and has little contact with mom. Dad died back in February and he was why we called. When you do call she doesn’t answer the phone nor call back, the phone line only works in one direction. Even when dad was sick we would call and she wouldn’t answer or call back. My older sister is talked to every day. I’ve given up trying to have a relationship and it’s healthier for me and DS to not be part of that family dynamic. My mother doesn’t speak to her 2 sisters nor 2 of her daughters, so 4 family members she doesn’t talk to and she only talks to my older sister. I accept it’s her and not me. It’s painful to accept, but better than being hurt by being around her.

As for talking to your dad about it, you can try to raise the topic. But be prepared for him to get defensive and not see the issue, or acknowledge it but not change his behavior. Does he ever apologize for other behaviors, is he self-reflective? My mom has never apologized for anything, she gets very defensive and goes on the attack so raising something like this with her isn’t possible. It just causes more hurt. Sometimes it’s best to drop the rope and leave them be. What’s that saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”


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[California]

Thank you for clarifying!

I think what you are describing is different from all-biologically-related favoritism (like your mom and your brother.)

I haven't experienced this myself. I come from a large family (think you do too.) Across the board, what you are describing seems most likely to happen when the dad remarries, and especially when he and new wife have a kid together. After seeing this happen to my cousins, here is my take on it: My uncles (by blood and by marriage) grew up in a time when women were expected, even more than today, to a) do the mental and physical labor of running a family, and b) be the emotional centers of the home. In their view, moms really raised the kids while dads were work-focused and emotionally distant. My uncles seem fine with this system- they didn't like being single, that is for sure!

Take gifts, for instance. From what I've observed, Dad assumes new wife will be 100% responsible for gifts. Dad assumes that whatever his new wife decides is fine. He also assumes that the children from his first marriage will be taken care of by his first wife. In his world, gifts fall under "Women's work." It's not important to him. He's not even thinking about if gifts are equal or not. Same goes for vacations. Dad goes along with whatever New Wife plans (which means she has to do all the work.)

My uncles are nice guys. They just... are kind of genially lazy when it comes to maintaining relationships with their kids. They were/are so blind over how much their laziness hurt their (now grown) children. They also seemed oblivious that their lack of effort set the tone for their new wives. In retrospect, if these guys were really fabulous husbands, great gift-givers, and good emotional communicators, maybe their first marriages wouldn't have ended!

This is not to excuse any of this. My uncles (and your dad, if the above sounds like him) could have made different choices. Many dads do. It's just to say- Money, gifts, and vacations may not be their way of expressing love. (They may actually be a bit stunted in communicating love. They may have never talked about it with their own dads.) I am sure that my uncles love all their kids. But they didn't find it necessary to put in the time or effort to make sure their kids knew that, and that was/is painful. Your dad may think he doesn't need to be regularly present in your life. He may have told himself that you had a loving family with your mom, and that she (your mom) was/is the more important parent. (I know my uncles feel this way. On the positive side, they never talk down about their exes!) He can look at you now and tell himself: She's doing great! So smart! Loving husband, loving family! Everything about you now, may justify, in his eyes, his choices in your childhood. You could try sharing with him that you'd like a closer relationship with him. He might be open to it, or he might have no idea how to respond.

Not sure if any of this helps. But as you can probably tell, this is something my cousins and I have discussed many, many times over the years. My dad had his own issues that he wasn't willing to put the time/effort into changing. We are like our own mini-support group. I think it helped us all that there are so many aunts, uncles, and cousins that we felt very loved, just like you had the benefit of your mom and stepdad. Do you discuss this with your sister at all?

[Philly Mom]

Thank you for clarifying!

I think what you are describing is different from all-biologically-related favoritism (like your mom and your brother.)

I haven't experienced this myself. I come from a large family (think you do too.) Across the board, what you are describing seems most likely to happen when the dad remarries, and especially when he and new wife have a kid together. After seeing this happen to my cousins, here is my take on it: My uncles (by blood and by marriage) grew up in a time when women were expected, even more than today, to a) do the mental and physical labor of running a family, and b) be the emotional centers of the home. In their view, moms really raised the kids while dads were work-focused and emotionally distant. My uncles seem fine with this system- they didn't like being single, that is for sure!

Take gifts, for instance. From what I've observed, Dad assumes new wife will be 100% responsible for gifts. Dad assumes that whatever his new wife decides is fine. He also assumes that the children from his first marriage will be taken care of by his first wife. In his world, gifts fall under "Women's work." It's not important to him. He's not even thinking about if gifts are equal or not. Same goes for vacations. Dad goes along with whatever New Wife plans (which means she has to do all the work.)

My uncles are nice guys. They just... are kind of genially lazy when it comes to maintaining relationships with their kids. They were/are so blind over how much their laziness hurt their (now grown) children. They also seemed oblivious that their lack of effort set the tone for their new wives. In retrospect, if these guys were really fabulous husbands, great gift-givers, and good emotional communicators, maybe their first marriages wouldn't have ended!

This is not to excuse any of this. My uncles (and your dad, if the above sounds like him) could have made different choices. Many dads do. It's just to say- Money, gifts, and vacations may not be their way of expressing love. (They may actually be a bit stunted in communicating love. They may have never talked about it with their own dads.) I am sure that my uncles love all their kids. But they didn't find it necessary to put in the time or effort to make sure their kids knew that, and that was/is painful. Your dad may think he doesn't need to be regularly present in your life. He may have told himself that you had a loving family with your mom, and that she (your mom) was/is the more important parent. (I know my uncles feel this way. On the positive side, they never talk down about their exes!) He can look at you now and tell himself: She's doing great! So smart! Loving husband, loving family! Everything about you now, may justify, in his eyes, his choices in your childhood. You could try sharing with him that you'd like a closer relationship with him. He might be open to it, or he might have no idea how to respond.

Not sure if any of this helps. But as you can probably tell, this is something my cousins and I have discussed many, many times over the years. My dad had his own issues that he wasn't willing to put the time/effort into changing. We are like our own mini-support group. I think it helped us all that there are so many aunts, uncles, and cousins that we felt very loved, just like you had the benefit of your mom and stepdad. Do you discuss this with your sister at all?

This is so well described and honestly describes the issues in many marriages too.

OP and everyone else, I am so sorry that your parents made you feel bad. I am often thankful for my parents even though they aren’t necessarily warm and fuzzy and are very different from modern parents. I joke that I am my parent’s favorite because in ways I am. But my brothers could make the same joke and they would be right too because they appreciate what we individually bring to their lives.


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[hbridge]

Families are so HARD!!!

My sister is estranged from our family by choice. Looking back, I realize that she never got what she needed from my parents growing up. However, I am fairly certain that I took my cues from my parents and am probably partly to blame. Something I will probably tell her when she is done freezing me out.

DH's father and step-mother definitely have "favorites" and we are not included. They were married once all four of their kids were in their late teens/early 20's, so grown up (almost). DH was neutral when his parents divorced and his father remarried, his sister was not. Now his sister is favored (probably due to having to "win her back"). Between them there are 7 grandchildren. The three oldest grandchildren are definitely the "golden trio", we had our DC later. DC has actually inquired about the difference in treatment. Finally, I simply admitted to my child that no matter what they do, they will never live up to the "golden trio" in the eyes of these grandparents. Thankfully, my child seems to have come to terms with it, but it's hard. DH, however, feels the difference. The grandparents will drive to her daughter's house weekly to watch a grandson play baseball. It's a three hour trip for them. We live at about the halfway point, less than 10 minutes from the highway, they have never stopped in. While they say how important family is to them, they don't even know my child. My kid is unique and amazing, but has a "diagnosis". So they read about the diagnosis and think they know the child, making assumptions and labels.

We are fortunate to have my parents who, as hard as it can be for them, attempt to accept us all as we are.