Unequal Sibling Treatment (by Parents) Support Group?

[PunkyBoo]

Add me to the list. My mom was fine growing up, but my parents were divorced so my sister and I were together a lot (latch key kids) and my mom was fine with us both. But as we became adults and had kids, my mom has favored my sister and her kids tremendously. My oldest child is 9 months younger than my sister's youngest (3rd) child so my mom had 5 years of setting her routines around my sister and her kids before mine came along. When my sister wanted or needed help with her kids my mom would drop everything to be there. She took time off work so my sister and her DH could go on trips, she helped with babysitting all the time. She went to every single soccer game for the oldest grandchild, whether my sister asked her to come or not.
When I had DS1, I called my mom (at that magical 4-6 week old range when the baby wouldn't sleep more than a few minutes at a time, and write cry for hours for no apparent reason) begging for help/a break and she told me I needed to figure it out and DS1 would sleep eventually. She told me numerous times that she'd try to come to at least 1 of DS1's soccer games per season (because she was so busy going to every one of my nephew's games). Every single time DH and I asked her for babysitting help, her first response was "let me see if your sister needs me and I'll get back to you" so I stopped asking. Once I was severely sick, DH needed to take me to urgent care because I couldn't keep any food or drink down for 4 days and my blood pressure was dropping so low I couldn't walk without blacking out, and DH called her begging to stay with our kids and she said she couldn't help us out because she was at nephew's soccer game. So he had to wait for a babysitter to come stay with our kids. My sister stayed home with her 3 kids and never once had to pay a babysitter. My sister claims ignorance about all of this.
The grandkids also know the Favorites List among themselves. My mom clearly favors my nephew, then my sister's youngest daughter, then my DS2, then it's a tie for how much she doesn't like my sister's middle child and my DS1. It's truly sickening. So DH and I decided a few years ago we can't ever let her be alone with our kids again because of how she favors DS2 over DS1.
My coping with it has become just emotional boundaries. I stopped asking her for help. When my sister complains about my mom always being around and always wanting to be connected to her kids, I tell her it must be nice that they got to grow up with a grandma who loves them so much. I tune it out. I compensate by loving my kids and showing them they are worthy of love, and fortunately they have 2 other sets of grandparents who live them so much (my dad& stepmom, and DH's parents). That's all I can do.
ETA- I tried taking to mom about it over the years and she denies it. She claims to love them all equally and she did her best to be helpful to sister and me. It's not worth bringing it up again as it only causes me more stress and doesn't fix anything.
Sent from my Pixel 3a XL using Tapatalk

[niccig]

OP, I think it helps to accept who they are, grandparents will little interest in your family, for whatever the reason. Have low expectations of your relationship with them. If you expect to not be included, then you’re not upset when it happens. You can be pleasantly surprised when they do include you and your family. They’re the ones missing out on getting to know you and your kids.

It’s also lesson for us on how not to behave as parents and grandparents.

Hugs, I know it hurts


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[hellokitty]

OP, I think it helps to accept who they are, grandparents will little interest in your family, for whatever the reason. Have low expectations of your relationship with them. If you expect to not be included, then you’re not upset when it happens. You can be pleasantly surprised when they do include you and your family. They’re the ones missing out on getting to know you and your kids.

It’s also lesson for us on how not to behave as parents and grandparents.

Hugs, I know it hurts


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

Yes, niccig is offering some good wisdom. I had go from having expectations, which they could never meet and kept having to lower them, until I decided that having no expectations was healthiest for me, because either way it didn't affect them, it affected me.

I have been pretty resentful about their lack of involvement with my kids, but in the end, it was probably for the best. My kids know about my issues with my parents, they also have pretty a realistic understanding not to expect much from them. My dad was the worst of the two, my mom his enabler... He died last month. It set off a mix of feelings they I hated. However, when my mom wanted everyone to share a good memory of my dad, NONE of us could do it and my kids told me, "we don't even know him," which is 100% true, he was welcome to spend time with my kids but chose not to. His loss. My mom was very upset with us and we just point blank told her that, he was a toxic person who made our lives miserable, and she was lucky we even were there for his end of life and funeral. I know that sounds unkind to my mom, but she was so shocked. She kept saying she thought that we were happy and she was the only one who was mistreated. This is what happens to dysfunctional families... They are held to the mercy of one person and if they have an enabler as a partner, that person doesn't question anything. It's staggeringly awful, but just standard in toxic families.


Take care of yourself. Spend time with those who best support and love you. Blood means nothing when they use it as an excuse to justify hurting you.

[KpbS]

I’m really sorry you guys were so undervalued, made to feel inferior, like something was wrong with YOU, and slighted. This breaks my heart to hear.
You are wonderful humans and are so loved.

[bisous]

I really want to respond to these in more detail and will get back to you guys. This has been so helpful. But also it makes me sad that others have felt these things. Hugs to everyone and let me read these over again and I'll come back.

[Reader]

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you, but I thank you for posting because it made me feel less alone. I haven't been welcome at my parents' house for years and was told a few years ago not to call them anymore on Facetime, just text. They send money for my kids at the holidays and birthdays, though DH and I don't merit a card or anything, and when we offer to come visit them they tell us not to. It sucks. My kids have grown up without close grandparents on either side.

[niccig]

Hugs to everyone healing with fractured families. Know it’s not you. This is an issue with our parents we did not cause nor can we fix. Focus on the family and friends who you can have a healthy relationship. Be thankful for these people who show you love. Spend time with them


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

[pinay]

My parents have always supported my brothers financially far more than me. It's caused me a lot of grief over the years, and I've become very resentful of my parents and my brothers. When my dad passed away almost 3 years ago, I was the one to help my mom get her finances under control and have since then seen first hand how much money she has given to each of us. It's ridiculously unequal, and it was eating at me so I decided to lay it all out on paper and share it with both of my brothers so that they could both see exactly how much each of us has received. I told them that I was waiting to use my share of the estate to pay for college for my kids, and that if they took any more money from our mom that it would be reducing what I could use for those major expenses coming down the road. I'm sure neither one of them were thrilled, but I was tired of being angry and resentful, and I also felt it was important to put them on notice that they had taken advantage of our mom's generosity for long enough. My mom keeps giving both of them money because she thinks they "need" the help, but they have both made financial decisions that I would call irresponsible/living beyond their means.

I've told my mom that it's upsetting to me that she gives them so much and that it allows them to take extravagant trips, buy expensive cars, etc that they wouldn't be able to afford otherwise. She brushes off my concerns or acts like she doesn't hear me, so I don't even bring it up to her any longer. It's not worth it to my mental health to keep trying to change the way she sees things, so I've drawn my boundaries and do my best to stick to them.