How to connect with my brother

[Liziz]

If I recall from previous threads, your family was very close to his ex-wife (or really liked her) and the divorce hit you and your family quite hard. I wonder if your brother knows this and in some ways is avoiding contact because he doesn't want to deal with you guys processing it/talking about it/being sad about it/acting differently towards him now that his relationship has ended, etc. I know personally, the hardest part of bad news/tough situations for me is interacting with others afterwards. I have an incredibly supportive family who would literally do anything for me -- but when things go bad for me, my gut reaction 100% of the time is to avoid them - especially if I think they can't act "normal" around me after hearing the news. Also, as I recall his ex-wife had also been in your lives for a long time - it may be painful for him to consider coming alone to holidays/family events that he always went to before with her.

All this to say, do not take any of it personally at all. I think it's a great thing if he's taking a trip to Mexico right now -- much better than sitting depressed at home with no interest in travel. He probably didn't tell you for fear of the exact reaction you had - because he didn't want to hurt you and thought you would be hurt by it.

In terms of what you can do now though -- it sounds like you've been super supportive throughout, letting him know you care about him and are there for him, etc. At this point I'd honestly drop ALL of that. I'd start treating him exactly like you did pre-divorce. Routinely stay in contact with normal life stuff. Send pictures of the kids doing fun activities and/or normal life. Shoot him a comment about a sports team he follows. Text normal life updates, silly pet pictures, random observations from your day. Avoid commenting on how long it's been since you've seen him. Avoid a lot of check-in/how are you questions. If it were me, I'd start feeling more comfortable communicating more once I started to get the feeling that I was being treated "normally" and without special care again (I know that sounds terrible and in no way am I thinking you've been wrong to be caring and empathetic! It's just that I can picture myself in your brothers shoes and am thinking about what would help me feel comfortable being around family more again).

I'd keep inviting him to family holidays, etc. but do it casually and without pressure, and accept a "no" without issue or complaints. Also understand that the reality is that despite loving family, it also may not be super appealing for a single adult without kids to spend tons of time in a family house with kids, too. DH and I both have adult sibilings without children. Despite having close relationships with our sibilings and the fact that they truly love and dote on our DC, all at times all have expressed that being the single/child-free sibiling showing up to a family kid-centered Christmas is very overwhelming and hard. Their lives are SO different from ours. It'd be one thing to pop in for a few hours if they lived close, but a big trip and multiple days is not very enjoyable. I don't take this as a knock on their care or love for our family at all either -- adult lives with and without kids are just so, so different.

Another idea is to suggest a family weekend in a neutral spot, like a fun city, a beach, etc. Does your brother live in an interesting location that would be fun to visit? Maybe broach the idea of planning a trip near where your brother lives. Don't attempt to stay with him or expect him to do everything with you, but by being near him, maybe he'd be more comfortable popping in and out of activities, rather than having a huge chunk of time committed. (obviously only do that trip near him if he is fully okay with it though!)

Good luck! You are a great sister for caring about your brother and being so supportive of him. I truly hope you guys get to see each other soon, or at least start talking a little more.

[carolinamama]

My guess is that he's processing the change in marital status in his own way and it doesn't have anything to do with you. My only advice would be to send birthday and holiday wishes and an occasional hello text but avoid asking him for anything. It's one of those times where you can only control your actions and work through your feelings. I'm pretty sure he will find his way back to his family once he's ready.