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  1. #1
    bisous is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default Settle this for me and DH...

    DS1 has TWO WEEKS left on his Eagle Scout extension. He has a project but hasn't got the proposal officially signed off. For a million reasons including that the Life to Eagle coordinator has been laid low with COVID, our family had a COVID scare in early January that kept us at home, and we've had trouble meeting up with the principal of the school DS is doing the project for because schools have been pretty busy...

    Our plan right now is to proceed as if the project is approved (we finally have a meeting with the beneficiary on Wednesday), get that approval by everyone by Friday, and carry it out next weekend. With a week's grace period to finish everything else up?

    Meanwhile...DS1's mental health is not great. He's struggling a lot. It isn't totally acute or worse than it has been in the last few months or so but there are lots of hard days.

    DH thinks we should just shrug off this project. That it isn't good for his mental health. And that he doesn't really care that much about it.

    DS1 says he wants to earn the rank. He isn't super motivated by it. But he really isn't motivated by anything right now to be fair. He's also a people pleaser. He gets a lot of people asking him if he's going to finish.

    Where I'm coming from is that DS has worked on attaining this rank for years. He has all his merit badges, all his service, has already done hours of work on this project. It would be a shame to lose it in these two weeks, even with the effort. I feel like he'd regret not going the distance.

    I'm getting basically the opposite of support from DH. And I'm really mad about it tonight. Please tell me I'm not crazy. That it is worth it to work for the next two weeks to have this achievement for a lifetime.

  2. #2
    Globetrotter is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Wow that’s not much time, but he certainly had some valid reasons. I’m guessing they won’t give another extension Since you all got Covid?
    I assume it’s enough time to complete the project. I think I would probably take DS‘s lead on this. If he doesn’t do it, he might have regrets down the road and blame you for telling him not to do it. Since you mentioned his mental health, I would probably give him an easy out and say it’s totally fine if he doesn’t have the bandwidth right now and you understand if he doesn’t do it. Then see what he says. He might need some encouragement to make the final push and complete it or to say no, I can’t. I can imagine the pressure if everyone is asking him about it.
    A lot of teenagers are struggling right now, but it sounds like he’s found a project that is doable and just needs to get through the next couple of weeks.

    My DD was a Girl Scout and did her gold award So I know a lot goes into these awards. She wrapped it up senior year and I remember there’s a lot of stress involved with this as she lost her advisor midway and so many other things, and this is before Covid.
    practically every Eagle Scout I know, with a few notable exceptions, did their project in the nick of time :-)
    "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What? You, too? I thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis

  3. #3
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    I agree with you on pushing this though as you are so close. My DS1 just earned his eagle rank this fall and we were working right up to his 18th birthday to get it done this past summer. He turned in his final paperwork the day before he turned 18. But ultimately, your DS has to be the one to get it done.

    I would make sure that everyone you need signatures from (scoutmaster, committee chair, person from Council that approves project - can't remember his title!, beneficiary) is on board and knows the deadline. The Eagle project workbook is quite a task itself. My son felt like filling out that workbook was seriously more work than the actual project! There is a lot of writing to do afterward the project is completed. And technically you are not suppose to start working on the project until you get all the signatures. Has your DS done his scoutmaster conference already? Our troop will not do scoutmaster conference until the Eagle project is completed and paperwork close to finished.
    Last edited by ett; 01-22-2022 at 03:38 AM.
    Mommy to 2 DS's (2003 and 2007)

  4. #4
    WatchingThemGrow is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    I don't know all the specifics as we aren't scouts, but... I see it as a "this is when you show your commitment to _______" so that you look back at the other hard times in your life and know you can do it! When you've got a newborn who is up all night, but you still need to go to work and carry on with your company's biggest ever project" or other big deal. We procrastinators sometimes do our best work with a tight timeline, although the stress involved isn't great for us or the people around us. (Not saying your DS is...but I am...and it clearly stresses others out. It's not purposeful, but it is what it is.)

    Making a timeline/schedule of the project with your DS, the signatures, etc. all on a calendar, down to the actual blocks of time involved, seems like it would help to motivate him. Asking your DH to use positive "you can do this" language would likely accelerate the completion, as you know. Creating smaller family celebrations for the completion of the steps and something your DS would look forward to the days the actual project is going on seems like it would be motivating...talking about the feelings he'll have when it's done and the way he'll look back on it proudly at many points in his life. I would be asking my DH to encourage for 2 weeks, then see where you are.


    Granted, I don't know about the struggles your DS is having these days, so you'd know better than all of us if he's in sort of danger if he's pushed/encouraged.

  5. #5
    SnuggleBuggles is online now Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    He needs to see it through. He’s not going to be able to walk away from, say, finals if he’s heeling stressed and overwhelmed in college. He’ll just have to get through it. This is good opportunity for him to see what he can accomplish. No regrets. Just 2 weeks of work and done! This does assume that your ds isn’t in some sort of danger, like WTG said.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

  6. #6
    ezcc is offline Gold level (500+ posts)
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    Oh I think you need to get this done- he would regret getting this close and not making it happen. Your plan sounds good and I like the idea of listing all the steps where everyone can see them and checking them off one by one.

  7. #7
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    I have a son in a similar situation as you. Ds1 struggles with confidence and depression. Like ett, we worked with DS1 up til the last minute to make sure this happened for Ds1. I really think you need to help him with this if it’s something he wants. This is important. I think your Dh is wrong.

    At this point, you don’t have much time left. I’d start pushing ds to get things done by asking questions. “Have you sent out the email reminding volunteers show up at 2pm? If not, do it now. Right now.” “HAve you asked for letters of recommendation? Tell me who you plan to ask. Ok, let’s compose an email right now requesting those. Do you know where the letters need to be sent? You will want to explain that in your email to your recommenders. Make sure to ask them to let you know when it’s done.”

    Sit next to him, follow him around until it done. If I were you, I’d put everything else to the side and make sure each component of this is being considered. Do you have an assistant Scout Master or another troop parent with experience who can come over and walk through the paperwork with you and DS? Two weeks is not much time. I’d be looking over your ds’s shoulder to push him on every detail.

    Ultimately, he won’t remember that you pushed and oversaw this. Those details will fade into the background. I’m keeping your ds in my prayers.
    Last edited by gatorsmom; 01-22-2022 at 10:34 AM.
    " I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." Mahatma Gandhi

    "This is the ultimate weakness of violence: It multiplies evil and violence in the universe. It doesn't solve any problems." Martin Luther King, Jr.

  8. #8
    o_mom is online now Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Get signatures on the proposal (electronically if needed) before the work starts - they will be super picky about this.

    If he has not done a SM conference, get that arranged (it does not have to be done after the project).

    It will be a lot of writing afterwards, but can be done. Theoretically he shouldn't be planning until the proposal is signed, but there is no real check on that and a lot of the planning section is copy and paste from the proposal, just with additional detail.

    I would look at what things you can do this weekend, including starting the application. That can technically be done after (at least when dealing with an 18th birthday, not sure on an extension), but it will help him check the boxes. Also, there is a "statement of purpose" (I think that's what they call it) which he will need to write. And the letter of recommendation need to be requested.

    I talk to my kids all the time about it being "go time", meaning that we have times in life where we have to put our heads down and just work through. Everything else (meaning optional activities/fun) is on hold. Things like finals, big work projects, new baby, etc. This would be go time for him.

    Good luck! DS1 finished his at the last minute in the fall. It was stressful, but worth it.

  9. #9
    hbridge is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Having a child of similar age with some mental health challenges, it is a tough situation. He has TWO weeks, this is both a good and a bad thing. The good part is that he just has to push through for two weeks and it's over. However, this is assuming that the work is doable in a weekend, if it's not, it might be too much.

    DH and I have had similar "arguments" over the years. Ultimately, it is up to DC, however, gently guiding, pushing, nagging and reminding can do wonders. If your son WANTS to finish, sit down and come up with a plan. Even if he won't help with that, come up with a plan (write the letters, create the supply list...) and give it to him to "edit". At this point, DC generally informs me that I have no idea what is supposed to happen and takes over OR they "edit" and we move forward (a win either way). Be prepared to assist, as needed. I am often sent away and then called back to help with a little piece of a project that they can't get past (usually takes 5 minutes and I am sent away again).

    I don't have any experience with Scouts, but we have seen similar issues with other organizations.

    Is there one piece that he is stuck about? Is this just a situation of waiting for paperwork and losing motivation? If so, getting past the "hurdle" will help. Is there another leader that can approve the paperwork? At one point, DC was involved in three groups for the same organization, I would take "general" paperwork to whichever group leader was available .

    If your son is struggling with mental health, some direction and motivation will be good for him. A doctor once told my DC that they need to find activities that they can focus on that gives their brains a break from their own thoughts (does that make sense?).

    Good luck. The next two weeks may be "rugged" and stressful for you all. That's okay as long as your DC mental health is protected. Sending hugs.

  10. #10
    firstbaby is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Being so close to the finish line of a multi year accomplishment, I would not let him quit on himself. There are so many valid reasons why it’s coming so close to the deadline, but I would try to take out all the noise of all the things that need to be done and help him focus on the very next thing that needs to be done to inch by inch have him get through it.

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