Settle this for me and DH...

[gatorsmom]

I don’t know if I’d really say his actions show he’s not into it. I think lots of teens/ people (me!) are procrastinators. The more time I have, the more you’ll find me getting the most done at the end. Doesn’t mean I’m not wanting to do it…I just don’t do it until I have to. Time has a way if getting away from us.


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I completely agree with this. We have some procrastinators in our house too. And some of his hesitation could also be a debilitating fear of failure. A good way for him to overcome his fear of failure or fear of starting a big project is to accomplish it. With each accomplishment he’ll slowly overcome his doubts in his abilities.

There really are several good reasons to help him achieve this goal.

[hbridge]

I completely agree with this. We have some procrastinators in our house too. And some of his hesitation could also be a debilitating fear of failure. A good way for him to overcome his fear of failure or fear of starting a big project is to accomplish it. With each accomplishment he’ll slowly overcome his doubts in his abilities.

There really are several good reasons to help him achieve this goal.

It could be fear of failure or even that he is "stuck" with how to proceed. DC tends to get stuck mid-way through projects when they get to a point that they don't know what to do. It can take time to get through the "stuck", even if the actual piece will only take a few minutes. We often have a long time of DC telling me "I've got a plan", before it comes out that the plan is "stuck". In short, there are many reasons that this project could be stalled. I am always reminding DC that they can't go back so they need to figure out how to move forward; it's all a learning experience.

To OP, I agree that this could take priority over everything else, even school (if it's not going to cause him to be behind in something). Keep an eye on him to make sure it's not all too much, but otherwise, full speed ahead. Tell your DH that he doesn't need to support it, but as long as your DC wants to continue, he needs to get out of the way!

[dogmom]

Am I really the only one that's not "just push through with it?"

I would recommend you first back up. Like not just a couple blocks back up, but over the town line back up and re-group. Not only has a lot changed in the last two since he probably started thinking about this rank, but he's also a teen and he might have changed. Plus, as a teen, we as parents are constantly underestimating how much our kids want our approval and censor themselves around us. It's not a communication thing, or a bad parent thing, they just do. Period. If I'm getting the "he should just finish because he needs to learn to do things" vibe he sure is. Like I said, not right or wrong, just is. So first you have to sit him down and let him know it's his decision and you and his dad will support him no matter what. You need to verbalize this separately.

As far as the decision to proceed or not. If you help too much he will not get the satisfaction of he believing he did it. So you really can't do all that much for him. So he has to want it. I know we all say we learn from our failures or the things that didn't work, but very few people really live the talk. I applied for small, like really small, research grant for expenses that would not pay for my time on it in January of 2020. I got it, but it got delayed because of Covid. Because it dealt with mindfulness in nurses everyone thought it was so perfect for Covid. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, not the least of which was my utter, soul sucking experience in healthcare the last 2 years. I finally stopped listening to all the helpful advice and recommendations and sat down and really thought about it. This was not a project I was passionate about. Other might be, but I wasn't. I was passionate about nursing and the unit I worked on. By reframing it like that I declined the award, a year + after getting it, cited my reasons, and then put in for a clinical leader position that I would then have the energy to do.

Your son has to figure out why he doesn't want to proceed and sort it out. Two weeks is probably not enough. I reject the argument that by somehow not proceeding with a extra curriculum project in a group he started in when he had very little understanding or input or joining given his age is any kind of determinate in his success or failure as a college student or adult. I will die on that hill. He needs to hear that. It is OK for him to walk away from it if that is truly what he wants now. Yes, there are things he can't, and shouldn't walk away from in life, but being and adult means sorting that out. People who don't learn do to much, then some of them just explode in middle age. If he's afraid he's going to fail. Or if he is just to frozen to move forward, you need to help him through that first. Then he can decide if he wants to proceed. Very few people are going to care in 10 years whether he did this project or not.

[o_mom]

I completely agree with this. We have some procrastinators in our house too. And some of his hesitation could also be a debilitating fear of failure. A good way for him to overcome his fear of failure or fear of starting a big project is to accomplish it. With each accomplishment he’ll slowly overcome his doubts in his abilities.

There really are several good reasons to help him achieve this goal.

I would add to this that there are a few things at play here when helping him define failure. He can still be successful even if he ultimately does not make Eagle.

I would strongly encourage him to finish the project, regardless of if he is able to finish in time for Eagle. He has most likely asked for donations for this and the beneficiary is expecting the project to be done. I would probably frame it as "The project needs to be done, and to get full credit (Eagle) you need to do it now (as in Today). There is still value and good experience to be had without that, but that rank carries weight and cannot be done later."

[ett]

Am I really the only one that's not "just push through with it?"

I would recommend you first back up. Like not just a couple blocks back up, but over the town line back up and re-group. Not only has a lot changed in the last two since he probably started thinking about this rank, but he's also a teen and he might have changed. Plus, as a teen, we as parents are constantly underestimating how much our kids want our approval and censor themselves around us. It's not a communication thing, or a bad parent thing, they just do. Period. If I'm getting the "he should just finish because he needs to learn to do things" vibe he sure is. Like I said, not right or wrong, just is. So first you have to sit him down and let him know it's his decision and you and his dad will support him no matter what. You need to verbalize this separately.

As far as the decision to proceed or not. If you help too much he will not get the satisfaction of he believing he did it. So you really can't do all that much for him. So he has to want it. I know we all say we learn from our failures or the things that didn't work, but very few people really live the talk. I applied for small, like really small, research grant for expenses that would not pay for my time on it in January of 2020. I got it, but it got delayed because of Covid. Because it dealt with mindfulness in nurses everyone thought it was so perfect for Covid. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, not the least of which was my utter, soul sucking experience in healthcare the last 2 years. I finally stopped listening to all the helpful advice and recommendations and sat down and really thought about it. This was not a project I was passionate about. Other might be, but I wasn't. I was passionate about nursing and the unit I worked on. By reframing it like that I declined the award, a year + after getting it, cited my reasons, and then put in for a clinical leader position that I would then have the energy to do.

Your son has to figure out why he doesn't want to proceed and sort it out. Two weeks is probably not enough. I reject the argument that by somehow not proceeding with a extra curriculum project in a group he started in when he had very little understanding or input or joining given his age is any kind of determinate in his success or failure as a college student or adult. I will die on that hill. He needs to hear that. It is OK for him to walk away from it if that is truly what he wants now. Yes, there are things he can't, and shouldn't walk away from in life, but being and adult means sorting that out. People who don't learn do to much, then some of them just explode in middle age. If he's afraid he's going to fail. Or if he is just to frozen to move forward, you need to help him through that first. Then he can decide if he wants to proceed. Very few people are going to care in 10 years whether he did this project or not.

It's not just about getting the project done, it's about getting the Eagle rank, which is a very prestigious award. There is so much work that has already been done towards the Eagle rank; the project is just the last major thing that needs to be done. My son is one that had to be pushed to get his Eagle project done. His entire summer after senior year was getting his Eagle project and all the other paperwork done for his Eagle rank. Ask him afterwards and he said it was absolutely worth it! It is a huge accomplishment that he's worked towards since 5th grade.

I am definitely not a Tiger mom but for the Eagle rank I would definitely consider pushing my child through it knowing we're so close to finishing.

[ett]

I would add to this that there are a few things at play here when helping him define failure. He can still be successful even if he ultimately does not make Eagle.

I would strongly encourage him to finish the project, regardless of if he is able to finish in time for Eagle. He has most likely asked for donations for this and the beneficiary is expecting the project to be done. I would probably frame it as "The project needs to be done, and to get full credit (Eagle) you need to do it now (as in Today). There is still value and good experience to be had without that, but that rank carries weight and cannot be done later."

I had similar conversations with my DS1 during his Eagle project. I told him he can drop working on the rank but since he already started his project, he needed to finish it for all the reasons you stated. He said he didn't want to do the project if he couldn't get the rank, so that was his motivation for getting the project done.

[KpbS]

Your instincts are right—push on! Help him the best you can cross the finish line. There are many who are in the same boat as you. It will be a relief and a sense of great accomplishment when it is done. (((Hugs)))

[bisous]

Oh my gosh you guys. This has just been one crummy night/day. I was working with DS1 on this and with DH on this and DH is angry about something when my two littles start having a loud argument (fighting over a LEGO). I turned to intervene, DH tells me not too, next thing I know DS3 has slammed DD's finger in the door and DH and DD are now at the ER. I just want to die. DD feels like she's going to die (she won't but I'm wondering if she'll have a permanently injured finger like DH). I feel guilty for not trusting my instincts and intervening. (It was a loud argument!) DS3 feels horribly guilty for slamming the door. DH feels guilty for ignoring the argument. DS1 feels guilty for us arguing over his eagle project while this occurred, as if it is his fault. We literally could not be more depressed as a family. What are the stars trying to tell us?

Anyway, we're all trying to move forward but we could use prayers. Most especially DD. DH injured his finger with a bike injury in Aug. 2020 and it will pretty much never be the same. I'd hate that to happen to DD at age 8.

[hbridge]

Oh my gosh you guys. This has just been one crummy night/day. I was working with DS1 on this and with DH on this and DH is angry about something when my two littles start having a loud argument (fighting over a LEGO). I turned to intervene, DH tells me not too, next thing I know DS3 has slammed DD's finger in the door and DH and DD are now at the ER. I just want to die. DD feels like she's going to die (she won't but I'm wondering if she'll have a permanently injured finger like DH). I feel guilty for not trusting my instincts and intervening. (It was a loud argument!) DS3 feels horribly guilty for slamming the door. DH feels guilty for ignoring the argument. DS1 feels guilty for us arguing over his eagle project while this occurred, as if it is his fault. We literally could not be more depressed as a family. What are the stars trying to tell us?

Anyway, we're all trying to move forward but we could use prayers. Most especially DD. DH injured his finger with a bike injury in Aug. 2020 and it will pretty much never be the same. I'd hate that to happen to DD at age 8.

Ugh... I hate when things spiral like that! I hope your DD is okay. Kids get hurt, siblings slam doors on each other (that happened a few times in my house growing up). That incident has nothing to do with your DS1, it's okay! Sending hugs.

My best advice is get the entire family involved in the project tonight and make it really fun OR take the night off and do something fun as a family. If not tonight, a few hours tomorrow. Even doing something small and unexpected that everyone likes can make a world of difference. Even a box of donuts tomorrow morning and permission to watch cartoons. It sounds like you all need some fun and some together time.

Definitely don't give up on the project, but try to move from "stress, must get this done" to "this is a wonderful, fun experience that we are so proud you have taken on, let's all work on it". However, if it becomes impossible, you can always push for an extension citing covid, ect.

Life is HARD. You did nothing wrong, no one did, things happen. Sending hugs.

[jgenie]

Oh my gosh you guys. This has just been one crummy night/day. I was working with DS1 on this and with DH on this and DH is angry about something when my two littles start having a loud argument (fighting over a LEGO). I turned to intervene, DH tells me not too, next thing I know DS3 has slammed DD's finger in the door and DH and DD are now at the ER. I just want to die. DD feels like she's going to die (she won't but I'm wondering if she'll have a permanently injured finger like DH). I feel guilty for not trusting my instincts and intervening. (It was a loud argument!) DS3 feels horribly guilty for slamming the door. DH feels guilty for ignoring the argument. DS1 feels guilty for us arguing over his eagle project while this occurred, as if it is his fault. We literally could not be more depressed as a family. What are the stars trying to tell us?

Anyway, we're all trying to move forward but we could use prayers. Most especially DD. DH injured his finger with a bike injury in Aug. 2020 and it will pretty much never be the same. I'd hate that to happen to DD at age 8.

I’m so sorry! I hope all is well with your DD.