Settle this for me and DH...

[MSWR0319]

Has your DS made any progress since April? I forgot about that previous post. If he hasn’t made any progress, then this seems like something you want more than him. Which could be okay, and DS may still really appreciate finishing it.

If you decide not to push it or it doesn’t work out- this may help you feel better- My DS decided not to earn his Eagle after he had made it maybe half way through the badges. He left scouts entirely. He wanted to focus on things that were more meaningful to him. Zero regrets. He focused on clubs and internships, school and friends, camped for fun. He got a fantastic merit scholarship to college (and had multiple offers,) got great internships, is well loved and respected wherever he works or volunteers. I do think scouts helped him in all of this. He didn’t need the Eagle, though, to get the benefit of all the mentoring and skills he gained through his time in scouts. Reflecting back, the decision to stop was actually a mature and smart decision and not a sign of any failure. As he tells his sisters, “Before you say yes to something, think about what that means you are saying no to, too.”

OP - I just went back and read through your April thread and the August update where you had decided to let him make the choice not to do it, and then he changed his mind again and the extension was filed. I obviously have no idea what goes on in your house, but based on these two posts it just doesn't seem to me that he's interested in it and that he says he's wanting to do it to make you happy because he knows it's important to you and that he's a people pleaser. Maybe more things have happened since August, but if he really wanted to get this done I would think he would have made at least tiny steps in the last four months and not be pushing this till the last minute, even if he is struggling mentally. I know nothing about Eagle awards, so maybe it's doable in two weeks but it seems like a lot. I could be way off here, but I feel like it's something you want him to finish, not something he wants to finish. Maybe he's ok walking away not finishing it because it's not important to him.

No you're definitely not the only one; I am definitely with you. I've been thinking about this post since i saw it yesterday and just feel REALLY bad for the depressed DS who doesn't want to finish and doesn't really have time to push alllllll this work into TWO weeks, but is going to be forced to complete it. I really pray for his mental health.

I've also been thinking about it and was glad that dogmom posted. When I read her April post about the project, I just really think he shouldn't be made to finish it if he doesn't want to. It just doesn't seem like he's ever been into it.

OP - I hope things work out well for all of you. You've had a rough couple of days. Remember, that if he doesn't finish it's not the end of the world.

[dogmom]

I should update this. DDs finger might be broken (they can’t tell) so they taped it up and it should be all better in a few weeks max. It’s definitely not permanently injured. DS3 and DD hugged for half an hour when she got home. DH was so apologetic. We’ve decided we’re going to come together as a family and do all we can to make this work. I didn’t much done after the incident—I was just too stressed. But we have some good things going on and we’ll make it work.

Thanks all!! And goodnight!

Oh my goodness Bisous! In the end you are going to make the right decision for your family because you are there, not us. I guess I spoke up because I was really thinking am I the only one that sees this differently? So much of advice is fed through a filter of the lessons we ourselves had to learn as parents. I definitely needed to learn to back of and trust my kids more. Which really meant me trusting my abilities as a parent to raise teens that made good decisions. Or if they don't make good decisions, know they are the be all and end all and they need to sometimes fall to learn, not just push through. THIS IS SUCH A TOUGH TIME FOR THEM AND US! Take care.

[WatchingThemGrow]

However things are going for your family today, know that you're being prayed for and cheered on. Your DD will definitely have a good story of growing up with a bunch of brothers, and we look forward to hearing how the two-week deadline is resolved. Hope you guys have some fun, some smiles, and some hugs in the process of deciding whether or not it's going to happen.

[basil]

Sorry you had a rough day! Hope DD heals well. (DH almost lost a finger a few years ago when it got crushed trying to move a treadmill that I had purchased but not paid for installation on. Had to have surgery to reattach the nerves and everything. It was horrible and I still feel guilty about it.)

I don't have teens, but I would have a LOT of trouble letting your DS drop the Eagle Scout project 2 weeks before the deadline. If he wanted to drop it, April would have been reasonable. But I think I would worry how he would feel if he didn't complete it. There is time and place to let kids fail and experience that...I am not convinced by what you wrote that this is one of them, even if you have to give him a good hard shove through the finish line.

Hope everything is going better today!

[mommy111]

Honestly, as an outsider: this matters not a bit. Let the child live. He doesn’t want to do it, his dad doesn’t need him to do it and he’s saying he’ll do it to make people happy. For the scouts, it really is the experience that matters and not the badges/awards etc. He’s had the experience. It’s COVID. Give him permission to let go without feeling more of a failure than he is probably already feeling.

[jacksmomtobe]

I am more in the dogmom camp. I think about this child’s mental health. As a parent we need to make sure we aren’t pushing our kids for something we want but they don’t. My Mom pushed me growing up and I felt so much pressure. I was and still am a people pleaser so I did a lot of things to please her that made me unhappy. It sounds like you have reached the point where your son is going to complete the project with your family support which will hopefully be incredibly meaningful for all. I encourage you though to talk with your son afterwards and tell him though you pushed him to get this project done because you felt that he would regret not finishing it you would have supported him if he had chosen not to. I think he needs to know that it is ok for him to be honest with you in these types of situations and in the general decisions he makes in life. It is overwhelming doing things for others when your heart is not in it but you are afraid of disappointing them.

[bisous]

Thanks for all the opinions! I do feel like we're charting the right course right now. Some of his anxiety is that he does want to do this but needed a bit of a nudge. I think he's actually feeling some relief. And the whole thing will be over in less than two weeks, win or lose.

This weekend his fleshed out further his proposal, connected with some key people to make sure all the aspects of the plan were viable, and got several groups of volunteers who agreed to help him out this coming weekend. The Life to Eagle coordinator thinks everything looks in order. There is a good amount of work to do still but I think some of the hardest parts are already accomplished. I'm actually impressed with what he's done for planning so far. I see a way forward for him.

I think he'll be glad he finished this. I'm still not 100% sure this is all motivated by his own inner desire. I think he's gotten a lot of outside pressure from his troop and his friends to finish up even when I made a point to drop the whole thing (attending several Eagle Courts of Honor over the summer he got a LOT of comments). He did make the decision to go forward. If I didn't sit him down this weekend and map out several steps he could set up and take, he might not have pulled this thing off. I think some purists would think that that means he didn't do enough of this on his own. I think that is a valid perspective. It probably won't mean as much to him as some of the scouts that I have mentored over the years but I've also mentored a lot who were almost literally pushed to the finish line by their parents and that is not happening in DS1s case. But I don't think he'll regret this. I do think that it just demonstrates that he has some emotional maturity to continue to work on in figuring out how to recognize and follow through with the things that matter to him. He's just started with a new therapist and hopefully this is a fit.

Thanks again for all your help!

[elephantmeg]

I'm troop committee chair. We have a leader who did his whole project but not the paperwork and never got his eagle. It's his biggest regret. Just do it!!!!

[Percycat]

Bisous -- This has been such a train ride. I'm really looking forward to the post where you tell us about your son's success and learn more about his project. I'm proud of the way you are providing support in a way that keeps your son first and will help him be successful. You are a great mom.

[bisous]

Hey guys! Today is THE DAY. DS filled out all his paperwork, got his signatures, got a slew of volunteers and today after school he starts! I'm happy the day has arrived. I'm so nervous! I have a hard time not taking over a project on a good day with a mature adult leader, lol. Do you know how hard I'll want to intervene on this project? I'm going into this with the idea that it is his time to show his learned leadership skills. It isn't a terribly ambitious project. I'm pretty sure we have enough people, materials, and expertise to make it work, even with some mismanagement. But so nervous!

So, I've been watching DS this week. He definitely needed a little prodding to go for this project. But he's now handling things on his own. He called a bunch of people yesterday. Made lists and decisions that I probably wouldn't have made. I think I'm more nervous about this than him. I woke up on Wednesday super early full of anxiety because that was the day he was meeting with the principal of the school. I start feeling SO badly about "making" him do this project. And then I saw his face and he wasn't full of anxiety. He was actually feeling kind of good? Maybe I don't make it better when I make excuses for his anxiety and his ADHD and his OCD? I'm always trying to be gentle and appropriate in what I ask of him but maybe he can do more than I expect? I promise I'll keep track on how he is doing on this project and report back. You guys have all been so helpful in helping me think through this process as a parent. I can only do what I think is best but that's sometimes really hard to know!