Funeral etiquette?

[twowhat?]

I haven't been to a funeral in my adult life, not even for my brother (parents did not want to do a funeral). I have zero idea about funeral etiquette so help me out!!

The deceased is a sibling of a good friend of mine. I would be attending more to support her and her family; I have met the deceased but do not know them well.
The deceased died in a similar manner to my own brother. I guess this is significant both for me and for their family. It definitely is a little triggering.

What's the difference between a visitation and a funeral? Right now visitation is scheduled for the day before the funeral, and the funeral is followed with the burial. All over a weekend and all within driving 45 min driving distance so I can potentially attend everything, though that's a good chunk of time and I'm not sure I'm comfortable or whether it's appropriate. The family is religious (I live in the South), and I am not. What do I attend? Do I need to bring something? How long should I plan to stay?

eta: In terms of COVID I'm OK with being indoors for a funeral or visitation and will be wearing at least a KN95, if not an N95, but won't be doing anything that requires me to take off my mask. My guess is most people will be unmasked. My family hasn't had covid (yet) and the last thing I want to do is to bring it home.

[gatorsmom]

I don’t know about other denominations and apparently funeral traditions differ in different parts of the country. As a Catholic, I’d either attend the visitation or the funeral but not both, depending on what’s most convenient. The visitation the day before is often at the funeral home. Sometimes there is a little service there or a rosary said. You can go, pay your last respects, leave a card for the family and speak to your friend. This visitation the day before (aka the wake) can be quick if you need it to. It’s like an open house. If you do attend the funeral the next day, there is probably a visitation just before the funeral service which gives you time to talk to the family. Once the funeral starts, well, Catholic funerals last about an hour if there is a full mass. If it’s just the funeral service, it’s much shorter. You don’t have to accompany the casket or ashes to the cemetery but it’s a nice show of support. Afterwards, there is usually a luncheon somewhere. It’s also nice of you to go to that and visit with the family.

Here in the Midwest we put money in the funeral card but I hear that’s a regional custom.

[bcafe]

The visitation is where the family gathers in an almost receiving-line fashion. Sometimes the casket is there, open or closed, and friends and family give their condolences to the immediate family. It's more of an open house style. There will be a guest register and from what I have gathered, these registers are important for the family to "remember" who visited as their grief state may not allow them to remember. I think the visitation would be just fine for you to attend unless you would like to attend the funeral ceremony.

[KpbS]

If you think the visitation might be well attended, I would arrive 20 minutes before it is scheduled to start. We stood in line for a visitation once for 1.5 hours! We were masked, but most weren’t.

I would attend the visitation but not the funeral since you are friends with the deceased’s family member and not the deceased.

[klwa]

I've lost count of the number of funerals I've been to.

Visitation: This is normally at the funeral home the night before the funeral. Close family of the deceased will greet the friends and family who come. If there's going to be an open casket, this is the one time that it will NOT be closed at all. This is where your presence will be most noticed by the family because they actually talk to almost everyone who comes.

Funeral: This will be a service of some sort. Guests come in & sit. Family comes in at the time the service starts and is seated in reserved seating at the front. (Similar to a wedding, kind of.) If there's going to be religion brought up, this is going to be the time. At least half of the time, this service is as much about convincing you that you need to be saved so you can go to Heaven with the deceased rather than about the person. Family may or may not receive guests after. Usually, they'll go straight from here to the graveside service instead. Generally with an open casket, the casket will be open until just before the family comes in. If you don't feel comfortable with the open casket idea, ask funeral home staff when you should go in (they're usually at the entrance passing out bulletins, etc. even if the funeral is held at a church instead of the funeral home). They'll help.

Graveside Service: usually immediately following the main service part of the funeral IF they aren't carrying ashes home. The casket is carried to the gravesite by the pall bearers and the immediate family is seated beside the grave, while the other mourners are gathered around. If there are any military honors being done, this is where that will be. There is usually another short speech/service by the officiant. Most of the time, they don't do anything like sealing the vault/replacing the dirt until after the mourners have left. Family may receive condolences from people who attend this section after it's over, before everyone leaves.

As to which you should attend, honestly, the visitation is probably the one that will be the most comfortable & remembered. Speaking from experience from my mom & my grandmothers & DH's grandparents' funerals, the funeral is just a mass of people and the family doesn't really get to speak to anyone. But either is totally acceptable without you needing to do both unless you want to. My only caveat to the visitation, I mentioned above. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of an open casket, visitation is the most likely to have open casket.

[gatorsmom]

If there's going to be religion brought up, this is going to be the time. At least half of the time, this service is as much about convincing you that you need to be saved so you can go to Heaven with the deceased rather than about the person.

As to which you should attend, honestly, the visitation is probably the one that will be the most comfortable & remembered.

I had to laugh out loud about the first 2 sentences. I don’t doubt that you have experienced this I just have never experienced that myself send I’ve been to a lot of funerals too. I suspect it’s a way for the officiant to take up time because they didn’t know the deceased well enough. I just found that interesting.

I wanted to add that many people prefer the visitation the night before because you can keep the conversation with your friend as short or long as you want. If you get there early, you could be in and out in 15 minutes. But there can be a lot of waiting around and chatting, particularly as pp stated, if the receiving line is long. I actually prefer the funeral service because you won’t be expected to chat for a long time. They want the service to start on time so the chatting is kept brief, then there is a formal service and then it’s over. You could leave then or go to the cemetery and luncheon if you want, but it’s not required.

[lizzywednesday]

...

What's the difference between a visitation and a funeral? Right now visitation is scheduled for the day before the funeral, and the funeral is followed with the burial. All over a weekend and all within driving 45 min driving distance so I can potentially attend everything, though that's a good chunk of time and I'm not sure I'm comfortable or whether it's appropriate. The family is religious (I live in the South), and I am not. What do I attend? Do I need to bring something? How long should I plan to stay?
...

In my experience, the visitation is a time for the grieving family to visit a little with friends & relatives. The ones I've been to have had the decedent's casket in the room; as these were older people who died of old age and/or other ailments, all but my grandfather's were open casket.

As for what to attend, I think I'd attend the visitation only, and would be sure to seek out my friend/their parents to express my sympathy for their loss.

Sometimes people bring a sympathy card for the family; I'd hand this directly to your friend or her parents. I don't know if people also include a few dollars to help offset the costs of a post-burial repast or a donation in the deceased's name to a cause they believed in, as I have not done this myself, but I have given a sympathy card. My family members and friends have had guestbooks for people who attend the visitation to sign & express their sympathies as well.

I'm also Catholic, so for my family, there were casket-closing services at the funeral home followed by funeral Masses, and then the burial, graveside service, and funeral repast. I don't know how things go in the South. At the handful of Protestant services I've attended or sung for, it varied, but not too greatly. One thing I observed, and this is probably due to the overall size of the churches' congregations, was that at the Protestant services, the ministers' words about the deceased were a great deal more personal than at my grandmother's funeral Mass.

[NCGrandma]

Like many other BBB topics, funeral practices vary greatly by region and other factors. OP mentioned 2 key things: they’re in the South and the family is religious. So PP's helpful discussion of Midwestern Catholic traditions might not be at all relevant.

If possible, I think OP should get some tips from people who live in her area and are familiar with the specific church/whatever. In some groups, most people will bring food (there are popular recipes with "funeral" in the title, like funeral biscuits, funeral sweet potatoes etc). In others, food may be catered and limited to nibbles at a post-funeral reception. Most or all the events may take place at a funeral home, or at a church and church reception hall, or partly at the home of the family.

Around here, the visitation is often called the "viewing," although I’m not sure whether that always implies open casket. In any case, a guest register is common and a good idea.


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[gatorsmom]

Like many other BBB topics, funeral practices vary greatly by region and other factors. OP mentioned 2 key things: they’re in the South and the family is religious. So PP's helpful discussion of Midwestern Catholic traditions might not be at all relevant.


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I think there are Catholics in the South, aren’t there? And some of them might be religious? But you are right, if the OP has time she should talk to other southern religious folks to find out what’s custom for their area.

[klwa]

I had to laugh out loud about the first 2 sentences. I don’t doubt that you have experienced this I just have never experienced that myself send I’ve been to a lot of funerals too. I suspect it’s a way for the officiant to take up time because they didn’t know the deceased well enough. I just found that interesting.

*laughs* I'm NC Methodist (which has less of this), surrounded by Southern Baptists (which is where I generally see this). When I hear Religious & South, I assume Southern Baptist.