Attend/ skip the funeral

[jgenie]

I think whatever he chooses is fine. If he would like to be there, he should forget the cost and go. If he’s ambivalent about going, he’s perfectly fine to tell family he isn’t able to attend. Sorry for your loss.


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[Snow mom]

Thanks all. It helps hearing reasons why people would go. DH has decided it’s too logistically difficult on such short notice. The guilt trip was really getting to him and making him feel pretty bad in a time when he already feels bad enough. It sounds like the final no at least shut that off. I know his grandmother wouldn’t want him to feel guilty about not being there—it just wasn’t who she was as a person.

[DualvansMommy]

Thanks all. It helps hearing reasons why people would go. DH has decided it’s too logistically difficult on such short notice. The guilt trip was really getting to him and making him feel pretty bad in a time when he already feels bad enough. It sounds like the final no at least shut that off. I know his grandmother wouldn’t want him to feel guilty about not being there—it just wasn’t who she was as a person.

The fact he already made his trip to see his grandmother before she died is more important to me, than the actual funeral. Especially if there’s bad feelings among other members who will be present, imo it isn’t really the time to fix or do healing if he’s barely gonna be in town for full 24 hours as well.


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[icunurse]

Thanks all. It helps hearing reasons why people would go. DH has decided it’s too logistically difficult on such short notice. The guilt trip was really getting to him and making him feel pretty bad in a time when he already feels bad enough. It sounds like the final no at least shut that off. I know his grandmother wouldn’t want him to feel guilty about not being there—it just wasn’t who she was as a person.

Funerals are for the living. He did what was best when she was alive. Send a nice flower display from your family.

[California]

I can't tell if he went to visit this grandparent before she died, or if you were sharing that he had missed another grandparent's funeral, but in that past scenario he had just visited the week before.

Either way, that tight of a turn around would also be a no for me. Particularly because relationships are strained. I don't see funerals as ideal places to patch things up as grief is exhausting, traveling is exhausting, and not everyone is at their best. In his shoes, I'd say no but also give a "yes" that I could live with- coming out to visit around her birthday, or another special date, to share memories and visit the cemetary.

And I'd also as PP said order a beautiful flower arrangment for the service.

[dogmom]

I’m glad your DH made the right decision for him. But just as an aside, what obligations keep you from a grandparent funeral? It’s one thing if it’s obligations that are important personally to your DH. But I hope it’s not work stuff. Because the idea of working for a company that still doesn’t get it with this pandemic would make me leave.

[Snow mom]

Nm. .

[AnnieW625]

I’m glad your DH made the right decision for him. But just as an aside, what obligations keep you from a grandparent funeral? It’s one thing if it’s obligations that are important personally to your DH. But I hope it’s not work stuff. Because the idea of working for a company that still doesn’t get it with this pandemic would make me leave.

Yes this 100%. I was thinking the same thing regarding the obligations, but I could be wrong.


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[dogmom]

I’m glad your DH made the right decision for him. But just as an aside, what obligations keep you from a grandparent funeral? It’s one thing if it’s obligations that are important personally to your DH. But I hope it’s not work stuff. Because the idea of working for a company that still doesn’t get it with this pandemic would make me leave.

I’m sorry, re-reading this I realize it came off snarky, which wasn’t my intent. I’m all for someone deciding, given everything about a funeral and They got X, Y, Z going on in their life, which could mean work stuff, it isn’t worth it to for them to go. I don’t think the is a thing magical about funerals and grief and people should do what is right for them. My snakiness was aimed at companies who don’t want to give time off for funerals, they just suck. I also realize people can’t just up and leave jobs.

[jgenie]

I’m sorry, re-reading this I realize it came off snarky, which wasn’t my intent. I’m all for someone deciding, given everything about a funeral and They got X, Y, Z going on in their life, which could mean work stuff, it isn’t worth it to for them to go. I don’t think the is a thing magical about funerals and grief and people should do what is right for them. My snakiness was aimed at companies who don’t want to give time off for funerals, they just suck. I also realize people can’t just up and leave jobs.

Thank you for the follow up. The original comment was so out of character for you.