What are my responsibilities in this situation? (Parent alcoholism and abuse)

[pharmjenn]

My DS and his girlfriend are both 14yo. She is moving across the country in a month. He told me a couple weeks ago that her mother is often drunk. She drives the girl and her two younger siblings when she has been drinking. The husband was made aware of the drinking by the daughter. I don't know what he knows or what he has done. I have never met the husband, but have met the wife/mother. I didn't discern intoxication, but she definitely fabricates stories!
This morning, DS told me the girl had called him last night and told him her mother slapped her after finding a hickey on her neck. This girl had given DS a bunch of them last weekend and I told them both "no more hickeys" but I guess DS wanted to 'retaliate" since he had been getting looks at school. He did not intend to get her into trouble.

DS tells me the mother has hit her before. I asked him to ask her if the Mom ever hit the younger kids (lower elementary age) and she said no, those two are her golden children. Girlfriend does not know if her Dad knows about the abuse but doesn't think he would do anything if he did. Today after their 8th grade promotion ceremony, the parents left the girl at school because she rolled her eyes at her parents and was with her friends not the parents. DS walked her a couple blocks to a grandmothers house. He is now hanging with her and other friends for the rest of the day.

I am very non-confrontational and hesitant to try to address the parents. We have also just gone through almost 2 years dealing with CFS and the courts for our own issues and I would not wish that on anyone else. School is done for the year and the family is moving, so reaching out to the school counselor is out.
Besides supporting my son and this girl and being available to discuss their feelings, is there anything else I should do?

[AnnieW625]

I would talk to the grandmother. I would leave it at that. It has to be a crappy situation. Maybe talk to the father. I wouldn’t get CPS involved. I really have no experience with this type of situation so I don’t think I am going to be much help. If you were to get ahold of any school person and voice your concerns they would be a mandatory reporter.

ETA: my reason for not contacting CPS would be fear of retaliation from the family. I totally get wanting to help the girl out but you have to think of your family. I don’t know if CPS can keep things confidential as to who reported the situation but if you do report I would want everything to be confidential.


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[crn]

I understand your hesitation. This is not a good situation. But as an objective, outside adult, I think your responsibility is to report the facts of what you have been told to CFS. I work in youth services and I know all the flaws in the system. I’m sorry for your experience with it. But it exists to protect children who are in unsafe situations, which is what it sounds like is going on here. It’s not on you to investigate the truth or confront the parents. But this may be this girl’s best shot at getting help, especially if she is about to move away from the network of people she knows.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I understand your hesitation. This is not a good situation. But as an objective, outside adult, I think your responsibility is to report the facts of what you have been told to CFS. I work in youth services and I know all the flaws in the system. I’m sorry for your experience with it. But it exists to protect children who are in unsafe situations, which is what it sounds like is going on here. It’s not on you to investigate the truth or confront the parents. But this may be this girl’s best shot at getting help, especially if she is about to move away from the network of people she knows.

100% agree.

Eta- can you imagine being that girl and knowing someone might have been able to help her and didn’t? What if you save her from years more of abuse or something that could really derail her life? I really get the instinct to not get involved. And especially am sympathetic to not wanting others to deal with CPS but you really need to. And if you hold clearances for volunteering or work you might be a mandated reporter too. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

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[Dayzy]

You should call CFS. Or see if someone is still at the school tomorrow. The teachers and principal are all mandated reporters so they can't ignore this even though school is out.

[California]

It can be very painful to hear that this is a part of a child's life. Did your son just want to talk it through, or do you think he's hoping that she can get some help (even if she might not want it at first)? Either way how reassuring that he came to you to discuss this.

If 8th grade promotion was today, teachers and admins should still be on site tomorrow. You still have time to email the school counselor and principal and share what you have written on here, and request to remain anonymous.

As a mandated reporter, sometimes (IME) when I've contacted the counselor or principal it turns out the counselor and CPS are already aware of the situation- though they won't be able to share that with you- and there is already a report in progress. Or it may be that others have reported their suspicions and your report is the one that finally gives the counselor enough info for reasonable suspicion.

If you don't want to go the route of reporting, contacting the grandparent or the father are at least doing something. But, the positive for going through the school system is that there will be a record made in case anything else happens in the future.

[bisous]

It can be very painful to hear that this is a part of a child's life. Did your son just want to talk it through, or do you think he's hoping that she can get some help (even if she might not want it at first)? Either way how reassuring that he came to you to discuss this.

If 8th grade promotion was today, teachers and admins should still be on site tomorrow. You still have time to email the school counselor and principal and share what you have written on here, and request to remain anonymous.

As a mandated reporter, sometimes (IME) when I've contacted the counselor or principal it turns out the counselor and CPS are already aware of the situation- though they won't be able to share that with you- and there is already a report in progress. Or it may be that others have reported their suspicions and your report is the one that finally gives the counselor enough info for reasonable suspicion.

If you don't want to go the route of reporting, contacting the grandparent or the father are at least doing something. But, the positive for going through the school system is that there will be a record made in case anything else happens in the future.

I think this is excellent advice.

[pharmjenn]

I did email the school counselor last night and he replied this morning that he would check in with her. He knows the girl as she was active in a couple of his leadership groups. He gave no indication of whether he was aware already, but I wouldn't have expected him to.

[mmsmom]

I did email the school counselor last night and he replied this morning that he would check in with her. He knows the girl as she was active in a couple of his leadership groups. He gave no indication of whether he was aware already, but I wouldn't have expected him to.

Thanks for this update. This was the right thing to do. He is a mandatory reporter and will know what to do. I hope this family gets the help they need and I hope you feel some peace with reporting what you know.

[mommy111]

Do you know whether the mom was actually intoxicated? Because the flip side to this is that the kid may be a little bit of a brat and a drama queen. We’ve definitely had a classmate of DS’s make up similar stories that turned out to be……well, fabrications. In any case, I’d call the school before CPS and get them to look into this