What would you ask your birth mother if you finally found her?
Update-
I know how much I like to see updates so I though maybe you’d like to hear how this has turned out. My birth mom (BM) was coming to Wisconsin and said she would be willing to spend time with me. We found a restaurant on Yelp that was about halfway between where we both are and we met there yesterday. We spent 7 hours sitting in the restaurant talking. I took your advice and created a list of questions. She seemed like she had mentally prepared herself and she was ready. She told me about her upbringing, her parents and grandparents’ childhoods, where they came from, favorite memories, favorite recipes, etc. I asked most of the questions you all recommended and kept it as light as possible until she started to veer into her life with my birthfather, his difficulties with alcoholism, the family history of alcoholism, how is addiction became worse and worse over the years and how she tried for decades to make it work. He never wanted kids and she was busy with her schooling so they agreed it was an inconvenient time for a pregnancy and to give me up for adoption. They never got pregnant again to my mother’s sadness. But she made peace with it over the years and her greatest concern was that I was raised by a loving family. I didn’t talk too much about my childhood but I did tell her that if it gave her any peace, my adoptive mother was raised extremely poor, in squalor, and had almost nothing growing up. Her greatest joys in her life was her marriage to my dad and being able to adopt me and eventually with difficulty, get pregnant with my brother. She was fiercely proud and protective of our family. After she died, my dad told me that these were the greatest joys in her life. I let my BM know what her sacrifice meant to me and my adoptive mother and family. She said that meant a lot. Before we drove away she very sweetly asked if we could be friends and I said I would love to get to know her better and spend more time together. She seemed very happy about that and told me I could contact her at any time. So our meeting had a very nice start. We have a lot in common and very similar personalities, so who knows where this will lead? I’m excited about the future. Thanks again for your suggestions and support.
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Back in September of last year I posted (can’t seem to find the thread now) that I was going to start the search for my birth parents. I was given up for adoption at birth and my records were sealed. My adoptive parents told me everything they were told at the hospital which wasn’t much: my birth parents were married but were in college and working on their degrees and didn’t feel ready for a child. In the last 9 months I’ve found out that my dad died of a heart attack 5 years ago. He has one living sister with whom I’ve been corresponding regularly. She has sent photos, put me in touch with cousins, and given medical and family histories of my dad’s side. She has invited me to stay at her house and meet her and her kids and grandkids.
Through Ancestry.com I found my birth mother. I sent her a letter and she has emailed me a few times. She has been a little less forthcoming than my new aunt. According to my new aunt, my father had addiction issues of some sort. They did not remain married after I was born. She stayed in contact with my aunt but would not discuss my birth with her. She said that chapter of her life with my father was painful. I get the feeling from my birth mom’s correspondence with me that she is still hesitant to discuss some of her past.
She has given me my medical history and some short updates on what she is doing now and basic info about her and my dad. We have corresponded about 3-4 times. For my part, I shared photos of my children and family as well as the highlights of what I have done for the last 50 years. I emphasized my gratitude to her and my dad and wanted to show the good fruit that her difficult decision created. I was hoping to give her some peace and closure since I don’t know what she was or is feeling.
Then this morning I woke up to an email from my birth mom telling me she was planning to travel to my state in the next 3 weeks and spend about a month here visiting relatives. She said she would be “open to spending time” with me and would be glad to drive to meet me whenever I have free time. I am filled with curiosity and a little apprehension. I don’t want to hurt her with my questions. Last fall you all gave me so many helpful things to think about before I started my search for my birth parents. Now that I’ve found them, what would you ask? What should I NOT ask? If you were in her shoes, what would you be nervous about me asking her? Your help here is greatly appreciated. This is so close to me that I’m having trouble seeing this from her perspective and I don’t want to hurt her.
TIA!
Last edited by gatorsmom; 08-04-2022 at 12:57 PM.
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