What would you ask your birth mother if you finally found her?

[gatorsmom]

Update-

I know how much I like to see updates so I though maybe you’d like to hear how this has turned out. My birth mom (BM) was coming to Wisconsin and said she would be willing to spend time with me. We found a restaurant on Yelp that was about halfway between where we both are and we met there yesterday. We spent 7 hours sitting in the restaurant talking. I took your advice and created a list of questions. She seemed like she had mentally prepared herself and she was ready. She told me about her upbringing, her parents and grandparents’ childhoods, where they came from, favorite memories, favorite recipes, etc. I asked most of the questions you all recommended and kept it as light as possible until she started to veer into her life with my birthfather, his difficulties with alcoholism, the family history of alcoholism, how is addiction became worse and worse over the years and how she tried for decades to make it work. He never wanted kids and she was busy with her schooling so they agreed it was an inconvenient time for a pregnancy and to give me up for adoption. They never got pregnant again to my mother’s sadness. But she made peace with it over the years and her greatest concern was that I was raised by a loving family. I didn’t talk too much about my childhood but I did tell her that if it gave her any peace, my adoptive mother was raised extremely poor, in squalor, and had almost nothing growing up. Her greatest joys in her life was her marriage to my dad and being able to adopt me and eventually with difficulty, get pregnant with my brother. She was fiercely proud and protective of our family. After she died, my dad told me that these were the greatest joys in her life. I let my BM know what her sacrifice meant to me and my adoptive mother and family. She said that meant a lot. Before we drove away she very sweetly asked if we could be friends and I said I would love to get to know her better and spend more time together. She seemed very happy about that and told me I could contact her at any time. So our meeting had a very nice start. We have a lot in common and very similar personalities, so who knows where this will lead? I’m excited about the future. Thanks again for your suggestions and support.

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Back in September of last year I posted (can’t seem to find the thread now) that I was going to start the search for my birth parents. I was given up for adoption at birth and my records were sealed. My adoptive parents told me everything they were told at the hospital which wasn’t much: my birth parents were married but were in college and working on their degrees and didn’t feel ready for a child. In the last 9 months I’ve found out that my dad died of a heart attack 5 years ago. He has one living sister with whom I’ve been corresponding regularly. She has sent photos, put me in touch with cousins, and given medical and family histories of my dad’s side. She has invited me to stay at her house and meet her and her kids and grandkids.

Through Ancestry.com I found my birth mother. I sent her a letter and she has emailed me a few times. She has been a little less forthcoming than my new aunt. According to my new aunt, my father had addiction issues of some sort. They did not remain married after I was born. She stayed in contact with my aunt but would not discuss my birth with her. She said that chapter of her life with my father was painful. I get the feeling from my birth mom’s correspondence with me that she is still hesitant to discuss some of her past.

She has given me my medical history and some short updates on what she is doing now and basic info about her and my dad. We have corresponded about 3-4 times. For my part, I shared photos of my children and family as well as the highlights of what I have done for the last 50 years. I emphasized my gratitude to her and my dad and wanted to show the good fruit that her difficult decision created. I was hoping to give her some peace and closure since I don’t know what she was or is feeling.

Then this morning I woke up to an email from my birth mom telling me she was planning to travel to my state in the next 3 weeks and spend about a month here visiting relatives. She said she would be “open to spending time” with me and would be glad to drive to meet me whenever I have free time. I am filled with curiosity and a little apprehension. I don’t want to hurt her with my questions. Last fall you all gave me so many helpful things to think about before I started my search for my birth parents. Now that I’ve found them, what would you ask? What should I NOT ask? If you were in her shoes, what would you be nervous about me asking her? Your help here is greatly appreciated. This is so close to me that I’m having trouble seeing this from her perspective and I don’t want to hurt her.

TIA!

[AnnieW625]

Ooh I think that is great news. I have no advice but wish you lots of luck. I would probably bring the photos of your kids you shared via email as I find it is nice to physically touch things especially photos (even though they are essentially the same). I would probably keep it simple and ask to meet for coffee near where she is going to be and go from there. That way it isn’t too formal. I don’t know what questions I wouldn’t ask. I would just introduce yourself and let the conversation go from there.

Just remember there are always two sides to a story so she will probably have different memories of your dad than your aunt will, but at least you were given a little background about your dad.


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[chottumommy]

I have a friend who was adopted and then met her bio mother when she was an adult. My friend confessed that she wished she didn't ask her bio mother anything related to her birth or bio dad or their relationship or anything about the time when she was born. Though I don't know the details of what my friend asked it seemed like that soured her relationship with her bio mother and they could never get back to being around each other. They still exchange general milestone cards etc but that is all.

So my two cents - maybe start off with just the present and where both of you are right now.

[Kestrel]

I have little different perspective on this, I have a parent that was adopted (closed adoption). We know that we are Native American, but not what tribe or group. We don't know if there are other siblings of my parent; I've always wondered. I would want to know if giving up a baby for adoption was truely their choice or if they were forced by relatives; but I don't know that I would be brave enough/comfortable enough to ask that. I wish I knew medical info, but it sounds like you have that... Doctors always look at me crazy when I say I don't know much of my family medical history.

But I would want to know more temperment things: Are my grandparents musical? Mechanical? Athletic? Artistic? Introvert or social butterfly? Serious/studious or wild and reckless? What career did they go into? Silly things - like what food did they like? Action movies or musicals? Left handed or right? Your birth mother may be more willing to talk about these happier things about herself (and about your birth father too!) than more serious questions.

Does my child look like my grandparents looked as a child?

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And then... My sister gave a child up for adoption. That girl is now an adult, and I was surprised at what she wanted to know. Mostly, she wanted to know about the situation that her parents were in that caused them to give her up. My sister and the father were high schoolers and broke up while pregnant. More than a decade later, they got back togther and married; adopted girl has full siblings. The siblings talk/write with her quite often, but she doesn't deal with my sister much. My sister divorced the birth dad. It's quite the mess, honestly. I'm glad adopted girl is an only child with her adopted parents, and they seem great; they are also very well off and she wants for nothing... that's good to know. We were able to make her a photo album of her birth family; that was cool. We also made a medical history and each of us - birth mother, grandparents, aunt and uncle - wrote a short letter as well as medical data.

Sorry this was kind of rambling; but I hope it gives you some things to think about. I will say - write down what you want to ask, and take notes when you meet - it may be overwhelming and you're going to want to remember.

[MSWR0319]

I have no experience with this, but given what you say about the previous communication with your birth mother, I think I would start out simple. I think I would avoid diving into any serious questions until you've met her and gotten a good feel for the relationship and how she wants to proceed. Perhaps just talking about your family and the present vs. asking questions about the past and why. As the meeting progresses maybe you can get a feel for what she's willing to share or the casual conversation may lead her to stories that she's willing to share. If you continue to communicate/meet multiple times then I think you could start asking questions. All of this is assuming you want a continuous relationship with her. If you just want questions answered, then my answer would be different.

[chlobo]

I'm not sure how this would go over, but what about saying to her that you have lots of questions but you want to respect her privacy and what would she feel comfortable discussing with you? Hopefully she would articulate a boundary that is clear so you know what not to ask.

[jacksmomtobe]

I think you should start by saying that you are happy to meet her and have many questions but also communicate to her that you understand that she may not want to talk about certain things or answer some of your questions and that is fine. Make it clear her that she does not need to answer any questions that she is not comfortable with. I agree with the pp that starting simple is best.

[o_mom]

I have known several people over the years who located birth parents and were really disappointed that there was not an instant connection. Sometimes that was due to class differences in the families or that the birth parent didn't want to open their old wounds. The relationships that seemed to go better (IME) were between siblings or grandparent/grandchild.

I think I would focus on the present for the first meeting. What does she like to do? Hobbies, travels, friends, activities, pets, etc.? Maybe get a list of open-ended "get to know you" questions and avoid any deep/heavy topics. Start with the present and work backwards (keeping to the last 10-20 years). You want this to be a positive start. A neutral location is a for sure - coffee shop, restaurant, etc. She is hesitant to share about the past and I think you need to honor that. Don't try to give her what you think she needs - just try to be a genuine friend.

[khm]

Oh, how exciting and nerve-wracking for you.

I have no firsthand experience but lots of people in my life have been through this (the advent of 23 and Me etc). I'm kind of obsessed with these stories and I am always open to talk with friends and co-workers going through it.

I've seen a variety of responses from the "found". Sometimes the closest of blood is the hardest to crack. It is clearly the most fraught with emotions. Definitely start tenderly, light, and matter-of-fact.

Don't dig too deep too early. Don't jump in with big deep proclamations - not even positive ones like "you did the right thing" or "my mom and dad were great", it will likely put her on the defensive.

Just focus on chatting like you would with any stranger you are getting to know. Fun things like seeing resemblances, mannerisms, learning about her hobbies, career, etc.

[trentsmom]

This is exciting news! If I were in your position, I might ask what tv shows or movies she enjoyed. DH's mother died several years before I met him, but when I talk about shows I used to watch, DH often tells me, "My mom used to watch that," and it makes me feel like I can get to "know" her a bit. I'm close to your age, and daytime tv when I was growing up was filled with reruns of shows from years past, so maybe you watched some of the same things.

I might also ask what kind of food was served at holidays or other special occasions. Are there any family recipes?