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  1. #11
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default What would you ask your birth mother if you finally found her?

    I agree with everyone else to tread lightly and know she may not want to discuss some difficult topics. It may take a few meetings before she will be comfortable answering some questions.

    Like others, we know people who’ve been through this. One parent wanted to be found and was very open, happy when they were contacted. The other parent was less open and didn’t want same level of contact. I think it’s easier for the aunt (your bio dad’s sister) to be more forthcoming as she’s a step removed from the situation, than it will be for your bio mother, as this may open up difficult memories/feelings for her. I like all the getting to know you suggestions people have listed. I know when I’m excited I can fire off a dozen questions and prattle on, this is a time to not do that and just ease into things. I hope it goes well for you


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    Last edited by niccig; 07-05-2022 at 07:05 PM.

  2. #12
    KpbS's Avatar
    KpbS is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Favorite ice cream flavor
    Favorite type of pie
    Favorite flower
    Favorite movie
    Best childhood memory
    Memory of her grandmother/grandfather
    Family names
    K

  3. #13
    KpbS's Avatar
    KpbS is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Favorite ice cream flavor
    Favorite type of pie
    Favorite flower
    Favorite movie
    Best childhood memory
    Memory of her grandmother/grandfather
    Family names
    K

  4. #14
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    Be light, casual and keep it short. Certainly for the first meeting, as it’ll be overwhelming.

    My childhood friend was adopted. Very similar circumstances as yours as she grew up from early age knowing she was adopted. Little info on birth parents which was a sealed closed adoption, so in that respect it took my friend a good 15 plus years to find her birth mom. She said the relationship started out well initially but quickly soured when they got into the deeper and heavy stuff; due to background differences, class, and lifestyles. My friend was an only child who wanted for nothing from her older adopted parents, and the birth mom resented her for that. So be prepared for negative feelings.

    Also, not to say it’ll happen but just sharing my friend’s experience. We know you’re quite wealthy and well off, so i would NOT share anything that gives away just how well off you guys are in early stages. My friend got hit up being asked for money from her birth mom, cuz my friend over shared things too soon. So it left a bad taste.

    Agree with others keep it light. Favorite traditions, favorite movie, music, and what is she known for among her friends and family.


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  5. #15
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    Default

    I spent a lot of time trying to find my birth family and between a medical document from an issue I had before my adoption was finalized and a DNA test with Ancestry I was able to work through it. My bio-father died but his niece and his cousins have welcomed me. On bio-mother's side it took a bit more work. A cousin and her daughter have become great friends. My bio-sister has not gotten back to me because she's not ready. I haven't spoken to my bio-mother but I have given her access to my FB page and she can see her grandchildren there. I only have one question I really want an answer to, but I don't think I'd have the courage to ask.

  6. #16
    dogmom is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I think I would ask her what advice she would have given me over the years based on her life experiences. I would also make it clear she doesn’t have to come up with it on the spot, but she can think about it and get back to me any way she wanted. It think that’s a great way for her to maybe open up to you about the things that let her to give you up and what followed, if she wanted to. Then I would just have light conversations with her. I would tread lightly on the sharing information about your kids and go slowly. I could see that being painful reminding her she couldn’t be there for you when you were a child and she missed their childhoods. I’m not saying don’t talk about your kids, but just go really slow and see her response.
    Last edited by dogmom; 07-09-2022 at 05:25 PM.

  7. #17
    Gracemom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    That's so exciting! I'm sure it will bring up emotions on both sides. Will you bring someone with you? I used to work in adoptions and we had a fantastic post adoption social worker who helped with processing all the emotions and working through questions etc. For the first meeting I would keep it positive and give a broad overview of your life. I would definitely want as much family medical history as possible, and just make a connection so that you can build on that relationship in the future if you both desire that outcome.

  8. #18
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Update in Op
    " I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." Mahatma Gandhi

    "This is the ultimate weakness of violence: It multiplies evil and violence in the universe. It doesn't solve any problems." Martin Luther King, Jr.

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by gatorsmom View Post
    Update in Op
    Thank you so much for sharing your update. It sounds like things went as well as possible, and I hope the relationship continues in whatever form you want it to.
    DS 2/14
    DD 8/17

  10. #20
    jgenie is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Great update! So glad it went well and she left the door open for future contact.


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