How to help your teen when dealing with an unfair situation out of their control

[georgiegirl]

Long story short, DD (16) is this close to having a mental breakdown because of a horrible, mean swim coach who is unfairly excluding her from the fast practice group. (I’m pretty sure I discussed this in years past.) DD had self advocated, the coach has demeaned her and belittled her. I’ve contacted the activities director and spoken with him twice. He agrees DD is being treated unfairly but he can’t force the swim coach to do anything. I want DD to quit but she is refusing and cries all the time about it and can’t get anything else done. She doesn’t want to swim club right now because none of the girls (her friends) are swimming club because it’s girls high school season. DD is mortified this is happening to her. (FWIW, I know two other parents who had horrible issues with this coach in the past…neither went to the activities director because their daughters begged them not to, which was the case with DD last year.) I don’t even want to get into describing why it’s unfair, but DD’s times clearly qualify her for the fast group and there is tons of space (fast group was 24 last year but it’s only 18 now…In a 8 lane pool.) She swims with these girls at club practice during the year, next to them at meets, beat some of them at state last month. She’s clearly deserving. But the coach is a vindictive B who gets off in tormenting teenage girls. I don’t know how to help DD work through this. I don’t want her to get depressed and do poorly in her classes. She loves swimming and has swam competitively for 8+ years. (I think the coach is targeting her because she quit during fall 2020 when the coach didn’t follow the districts Covid protocols and We didn’t feel comfortable with her on the team.) I don’t know how to help DD through this.


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[mom2binsd]

As a swim mom who had a DD who swam on high school I get all the dynamics of why she wants to swim HS in the fall. All of the swimmers obviously know she should be in the fast lane at practice and I'm sure it's a topic of discussion (non swim parents may not understand the significance of it but I do). As she still has one or two more years in HS I think a further sit down with the AD may be needed. This coach sounds awful and I can't believe they aren't making other decisions based on petty things vs earned merit (like which races she will get to be in, which relay team etc).

I think if you go in with solid facts and bring up the concern that she is being punished for a decision made two years ago and that the coach is clearly being punitive it may hold some weight. I'd also be tempted to ask the coach to a joint meeting to directly question why she is not in the appropriate lane for practice and see what the response is in front of the AD.

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[mommy111]

I would speak to the coach directly in the presence of the AD. What is her reasoning for excluding DD?

[klwa]

I agree with the others about calling a meeting with the coach in front of the activities director OR having another meeting with the activities director asking WHY they can't do anything. If the AD is the boss of the coach, there should be something/some sort of sanctions possible against the coach. Allowing someone free rein when you know that there is a problem is wrong. Or, is there someone over the activities director?

[georgiegirl]

As a swim mom who had a DD who swam on high school I get all the dynamics of why she wants to swim HS in the fall. All of the swimmers obviously know she should be in the fast lane at practice and I'm sure it's a topic of discussion (non swim parents may not understand the significance of it but I do). As she still has one or two more years in HS I think a further sit down with the AD may be needed. This coach sounds awful and I can't believe they aren't making other decisions based on petty things vs earned merit (like which races she will get to be in, which relay team etc).

I think if you go in with solid facts and bring up the concern that she is being punished for a decision made two years ago and that the coach is clearly being punitive it may hold some weight. I'd also be tempted to ask the coach to a joint meeting to directly question why she is not in the appropriate lane for practice and see what the response is in front of the AD.

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It’s not even about lane placement. It’s about practice group. The fast group practices at different times and gets twice as much practice time. The slower group only gets 1 hour a day, whereas the fast group swims doubles 4 days a week. So not only does DD swim with kids slower than her at slow intervals, she’s getting half as much practice time. Last year we had the same issue (coach said she couldn’t put more kids in the lane because of Covid, which was just an excuse to exclude DD. So we paid for club swim and DD swam 3x a week at club in addition to high school. She can’t do that this year because she’s taking too difficult of a schedule and driving to club is a huge time suck when high school swim is right there. Plus I shouldn’t have to pay $200 a month for club when it’s high school season and there’s space.)

I will definitely insist on an in person meeting with the coach and activities director. I’m completely disgusted with this coach and poor DD is about to have a breakdown over this.

And just because I’m not dealing with enough, DS2 (8) decided to ride his bike out of the neighborhood (with the 5 year old across the street) onto a busy street (crossing it twice) to a destination almost 2 miles away during rush hour!!!! What in the F was he thinking????? So I had to leave DD who was melting down and drive around looking for DS2 and the 5 year old neighbor kid. and I only found out because a different neighbor texted me that she thought I’d like to know she saw DS2 riding his bike on a busy road.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Run it up the flagpole- cc the principal on all emails and perhaps the school board? Time to squeak away. Even if it doesn't help dd it can help the program in the long run.

[jgenie]

Run it up the flagpole- cc the principal on all emails and perhaps the school board? Time to squeak away. Even if it doesn't help dd it can help the program in the long run.

This. Time to make lots of noise. I’m sorry your DD is still dealing with this coach.

[MSWR0319]

Run it up the flagpole- cc the principal on all emails and perhaps the school board? Time to squeak away. Even if it doesn't help dd it can help the program in the long run.

Ugh, I feel bad for her. That is everything to swimmers! It's one of the reason's DS switched teams. He was being put in the "slow group" even though he was clearly ready for the best group.


Our district had a soccer coach that needed to go a few years ago. No one ever said a word to the AD or did anything but deal with it. People finally got fed up this summer and went to the school board, AD, etc. Coach was fired 5 days later.

[KpbS]

I would speak to the coach directly in the presence of the AD. What is her reasoning for excluding DD?

This. Request to meet with both.

[georgiegirl]

Thanks everyone. We have a meeting scheduled tomorrow with the coach and AD. This morning she cornered my daughter after practice and said she’d never be in the fast group and that she has a bad attitude and should just be grateful for what she has.

Coach’s reasoning: she wouldn’t be in a varsity line up. Two things: last year she had 24 swimmers in the group. Now it’s 18. If only 18 can make the varsity line up this year, how could 24 make it last year. Second, the coach puts people in varsity relays based on feelings because “swimming isn’t black and white.” Yes, DD doesn’t have times to swim an individual varsity event, but neither does 6 girls in the fast group. Our team won state by 100 points, so the varsity swimmers are swimming at national meets. Plus we have a combined team (two high schools) that will split next year once the new pool is finished. And the coach told her today that it doesn’t matter how she does at time trials.