How to help your teen when dealing with an unfair situation out of their control

[MSWR0319]

Thanks everyone. We have a meeting scheduled tomorrow with the coach and AD. This morning she cornered my daughter after practice and said she’d never be in the fast group and that she has a bad attitude and should just be grateful for what she has.

Coach’s reasoning: she wouldn’t be in a varsity line up. Two things: last year she had 24 swimmers in the group. Now it’s 18. If only 18 can make the varsity line up this year, how could 24 make it last year. Second, the coach puts people in varsity relays based on feelings because “swimming isn’t black and white.” Yes, DD doesn’t have times to swim an individual varsity event, but neither does 6 girls in the fast group. Our team won state by 100 points, so the varsity swimmers are swimming at national meets. Plus we have a combined team (two high schools) that will split next year once the new pool is finished. And the coach told her today that it doesn’t matter how she does at time trials.

Sounds like coach has something personal with your daughter. Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Please invite the principals to the meeting. I think you got the run around before and will again without more accountability.

[KpbS]

Please invite the principals to the meeting. I think you got the run around before and will again without more accountability.

Yes to this.
What a horrible person that coach is. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this vindictive, spiteful behavior.

[California]

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I hate hearing stories of adults abusing their positions. They need a different career.

As someone who works in education, I would suggest:
1. Read your state and school policies. Many have wording prohibiting bullying and harassment, and protecting a student’s right to a safe learning environment. Lawyers have successfully argued that this extends to school sports.

2. Get your daughter professionally evaluated for the stress and depression this coach is causing her to officially document it. If she has situational depression, she may be protected by laws that prohibit harassment of protected groups (she cannot be targeted for her race, sex, sexual orientation, disability.) That will give you some extra legal weight while dealing with the school.

3. If you can afford it, get a consultation with a lawyer and have the lawyer simply notify the school that your daughter has a legal advocate and every action and speech by this coach will now be documented and considered for harassment. If not a lawyer, a professional advocate.

The coach may hate it but she needs to know that absolutely nothing she does is secret when it comes to your daughter. Ask for scheduled follow up meetings. Ask for a trusted counselor or teacher on campus to check in with your daughter. Create a schedule so the coach knows that this is not a one-off mtg.

I’ve seen so many school officials miraculously gain a spine against bullying staff when a lawyer or advocate is involved, and when a parent says their child’s rights are being violated. Be polite, firm, and calm, take notes, and refer to their own policies- that is the most powerful stance.

[jse107]

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I hate hearing stories of adults abusing their positions. They need a different career.

As someone who works in education, I would suggest:
1. Read your state and school policies. Many have wording prohibiting bullying and harassment, and protecting a student’s right to a safe learning environment. Lawyers have successfully argued that this extends to school sports.

2. Get your daughter professionally evaluated for the stress and depression this coach is causing her to officially document it. If she has situational depression, she may be protected by laws that prohibit harassment of protected groups (she cannot be targeted for her race, sex, sexual orientation, disability.) That will give you some extra legal weight while dealing with the school.

3. If you can afford it, get a consultation with a lawyer and have the lawyer simply notify the school that your daughter has a legal advocate and every action and speech by this coach will now be documented and considered for harassment. If not a lawyer, a professional advocate.

The coach may hate it but she needs to know that absolutely nothing she does is secret when it comes to your daughter. Ask for scheduled follow up meetings. Ask for a trusted counselor or teacher on campus to check in with your daughter. Create a schedule so the coach knows that this is not a one-off mtg.

I’ve seen so many school officials miraculously gain a spine against bullying staff when a lawyer or advocate is involved, and when a parent says their child’s rights are being violated. Be polite, firm, and calm, take notes, and refer to their own policies- that is the most powerful stance.

(I also work in education)

There can be no tolerance for bullying, narcissitic behavior. Confronting your daughter was TOTALLY inappropriate. HS sports are supposed to be fun, competitive, opportunities for athletes to grow as human beings. There are lots of life lessons kids learn along the way about hard work, teamwork, working with different personaliities, etc. This isn't one of those times. You need to mama-bear this all the way up. Keep us posted.

[georgiegirl]

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I hate hearing stories of adults abusing their positions. They need a different career.

As someone who works in education, I would suggest:
1. Read your state and school policies. Many have wording prohibiting bullying and harassment, and protecting a student’s right to a safe learning environment. Lawyers have successfully argued that this extends to school sports.

2. Get your daughter professionally evaluated for the stress and depression this coach is causing her to officially document it. If she has situational depression, she may be protected by laws that prohibit harassment of protected groups (she cannot be targeted for her race, sex, sexual orientation, disability.) That will give you some extra legal weight while dealing with the school.

3. If you can afford it, get a consultation with a lawyer and have the lawyer simply notify the school that your daughter has a legal advocate and every action and speech by this coach will now be documented and considered for harassment. If not a lawyer, a professional advocate.

The coach may hate it but she needs to know that absolutely nothing she does is secret when it comes to your daughter. Ask for scheduled follow up meetings. Ask for a trusted counselor or teacher on campus to check in with your daughter. Create a schedule so the coach knows that this is not a one-off mtg.

I’ve seen so many school officials miraculously gain a spine against bullying staff when a lawyer or advocate is involved, and when a parent says their child’s rights are being violated. Be polite, firm, and calm, take notes, and refer to their own policies- that is the most powerful stance.

Thank you for all the advice. My husband can’t attend the meeting, so he sent a letter to the AD specifically about the bullying and abuse. In his job as a physician they have training about emotional abuse, bullying, etc. and his hospital system takes it very seriously. He’s trained to recognize the signs of bullying and abuse. Etc. and that regardless of what happens at the meeting, we will not stand for this type of negative treatment of DD by any employee of the school district and we are prepared to escalate if we perceive anything. He also addded he advised DD not to participate because it is negatively impacting her mental health

[gatorsmom]

Op, I’m sorry you and your Dd are going through this. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice other than for your dd to practice swimming at other hours (can she come in early?) or join another swim team where this woman isn’t in charge. If your dd doesn’t want to avoid this woman or join a different team, then it’s time to show your Dd how to fight for what she believes in. I agree to go at it full barrel and squeak away. I think California gave some excellent advice.

In the last 2 months my dd and I used this quote from Downton Abbey like 4 times already. “It always happens when you give these little people power, it goes to their heads like strong drink.”

[hbridge]

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. I hate hearing stories of adults abusing their positions. They need a different career.

As someone who works in education, I would suggest:
1. Read your state and school policies. Many have wording prohibiting bullying and harassment, and protecting a student’s right to a safe learning environment. Lawyers have successfully argued that this extends to school sports.

2. Get your daughter professionally evaluated for the stress and depression this coach is causing her to officially document it. If she has situational depression, she may be protected by laws that prohibit harassment of protected groups (she cannot be targeted for her race, sex, sexual orientation, disability.) That will give you some extra legal weight while dealing with the school.

3. If you can afford it, get a consultation with a lawyer and have the lawyer simply notify the school that your daughter has a legal advocate and every action and speech by this coach will now be documented and considered for harassment. If not a lawyer, a professional advocate.

The coach may hate it but she needs to know that absolutely nothing she does is secret when it comes to your daughter. Ask for scheduled follow up meetings. Ask for a trusted counselor or teacher on campus to check in with your daughter. Create a schedule so the coach knows that this is not a one-off mtg.

I’ve seen so many school officials miraculously gain a spine against bullying staff when a lawyer or advocate is involved, and when a parent says their child’s rights are being violated. Be polite, firm, and calm, take notes, and refer to their own policies- that is the most powerful stance.

100% this... If you cannot get an attorney before the meeting, go in with facts. Times, meets, space availability... If this is the high school team, make sure the AD and principal are at the meeting. Loop in the Superintendent if you need to. Let them know how you compensated last year and why that is not feasible this year (and you shouldn't have had to last year). Your best argument is the times during meets vs. the times of others at the practice time. Try not to name names unless it is necessary. Make sure they school knows that you child is dedicated to swimming and WANTS this. HOWEVER, be prepared for the coach to "strike back" and for your daughter to not be "welcomed" even if she is "invited" to the faster practice time.

Another tact, is for you to simply ask the coach what you daughter needs to do to be invited to the faster practice group. Ask this in front of the AD and the principal. Document the answer (or ask it in an e-mail with the AD, principal and superindendent CC'd). He cannot say in front of the AD and principal that it can never happen. There has to be a data driven way or it's discrimination. If there is not a data driven way, call them out on the discrimination!

Is it possible to find a different swim program for high school? I fear that the coach will make your child's life miserable if she continues through to graduation.

[mmsmom]

Another tact, is for you to simply ask the coach what you daughter needs to do to be invited to the faster practice group. Ask this in front of the AD and the principal. Document the answer (or ask it in an e-mail with the AD, principal and superindendent CC'd). He cannot say in front of the AD and principal that it can never happen. There has to be a data driven way or it's discrimination. If there is not a data driven way, call them out on the discrimination!

.

I’m so sorry- it sounds like an awful situation for your DD. I think the above is a good tactic. It will be hard not to be emotional but I would also focus on facts about the past and how to create a positive path forward for your DD.

I also wanted to add that this scenario is interesting to me because in my area the club swimmers continue with their club practices during school swim season and just show up for school swim meets.

[Twoboos]

I'm sorry - this is an awful situation. We had something similar last year with DD1s field hockey coach. The girls advocated for themselves and brought up up the ladder (coach, coach/AD, coach/AD/Principal). All of the girls were so negatively affected by the whole thing, and it was particularly hard for the captains who were driving everything (DD was one). It was even stressful for the captains' moms bc/she would contact us about stuff! It made for a weird senior year experience for DD1 - the girls bonded so much over this, but their season was horrible (I think 2 wins?).

On the bright side the coach ended up resigning even though you could tell she definitely did not think she needed to. The more people you can get to come forward and share how they were treated, the better IMO. Document everything as others have stated.

Good luck, these people on a power trip with HS girls are pathetic.