How to help your teen when dealing with an unfair situation out of their control

[chlobo]

I also wanted to add that this scenario is interesting to me because in my area the club swimmers continue with their club practices during school swim season and just show up for school swim meets.

This is not allowed in our district. School practices take precedence over club practices or you can't compete.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I also wanted to add that this scenario is interesting to me because in my area the club swimmers continue with their club practices during school swim season and just show up for school swim meets.

Totally not allowed here. There's a threshold of practices and other things that need to be adhered to for the sports sanctioning body to be considered a team member. Summer swim has tried to get away with having these types of "ringers" too but even that was cracked down on.

[georgiegirl]

OP here:
Met with the swim coaches and activities director today. So I learned that swimming is subjective and the coaches can do whatever they want even if it’s unfair. (Generally not the case in USA Swimming but whatever, as we were reminded many times, this is high school not club.) Not surprisingly, the head coach lied about what she had said to DD and claimed she would never do anything negative to her or treat her poorly. (Insert big eye roll.) I explained ad nauseam that of course a 16 year old girl is going to be angry when she’s treated unfairly and when there are suddenly subjective determinations made when every single other experience she has had in swimming is objective. And that self advocating is not having a bad attitude (she denied saying that but I obviously believe DD.) And when you slam the door in her face and say she will never be in the fast group no matter how fast she swims, it’s soul crushing to a high achieving, hard working kid. We basically made them admit out loud that it’s completely subjective and that they keep changing their subjective “criteria.” (I would say things like, “so what you are saying is that you made the subjective decision to cut the fast group from 24 to 18 and then two girls are injured, and even though my daughter was next in line, you subjectively decide not to add more swimmers even though these girls will end up on varsity relays, and even though last year you had lots of girls in varsity relays, and subjectively you can deny someone a spot in the fast group even if they consistently outswim someone in the fast group.” Met with silence and a head nod.) Whatever. We issued a stern warning to the coach and she knows we will file a bullying/harassment complaint if she says anything negative to DD again or does anything that could be perceived as harassment/bullying/passive aggressive behavior, etc. After the activities director took me aside and said he totally understand where I’m coming from since this happened to them last winter with their son, and he was having flashbacks to his wife talking every time I opened my mouth. But his hands are tied and he can’t make the coaches have objective criteria for the fast group. So basically they can do whatever they want with no recourse. Is this typical?????

As for practicing with club during HS season, every state has different rules. In my state you can only swim with club if your HS coach gives permission, which we have.

One cool thing happened this morning when DD was swimming alone at the Y. A D3 college coach was swimming there on his own because he’s in town to recruit one of DD’s teammates (a senior.) He talked to DD and asked about her events and whether she wanted to swim in college, and he gave her his card. I think that was a morale boost right there.

So now DD needs to decide what she’s going to do. DH wants her to quit and just do club so she’s somewhere where she is appreciated. I just want to see DD happy, and hopefully she can come to a realization that the coaches’ subjective determination is just one opinion and doesn’t mean anything. She will has a lot to contribute and can succeed despite them.


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[hbridge]

UGH!!! How can swim times be "subjective"??? That is all ridiculous. I would type up a summary of the meeting and send it to the AD, the coach and the principal. THEN forward the whole thing to the superintendent. School activities that are based on TIME should not be "subject to the whims of the coach"!

Your poor DD! She IS learning great skills from this experience, but she shouldn't have to!

[georgiegirl]

UGH!!! How can swim times be "subjective"??? That is all ridiculous. I would type up a summary of the meeting and send it to the AD, the coach and the principal. THEN forward the whole thing to the superintendent. School activities that are based on TIME should not be "subject to the whims of the coach"!

Your poor DD! She IS learning great skills from this experience, but she shouldn't have to!

The issue is that they subjectively decided to limit the fast group to 18 from 24 the past two years. (It was 20 but then two girls quit and they subjectively decided not to add more.) as a whole, there are about 70 girls on the team. Now 18 have the entire pool every morning

[jacksmomtobe]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Some people should not be coaches. Around here some of the high school coaches are just awful. Most people don't bother to complain when their child is treated horribly because when it is over they just want to move on. And when they do complain our AD is so ineffective and out of her element. I think this Coach is on a power trip. It makes no sense this subjectiveness that she is applying to this situation. High School sports should be about fun and a camaraderie with classmates. This Coach has created a huge inequity in the quality of experience between the two groups and to limit the size based on some subjective judgment just increases the impact of that. The fact that the 2nd group practices significantly less really jumped out of me. If you truly had the kids best interest at heart you would try to make the first group as large as logistically possible. I'm disappointed in the AD's lack of support and unwillingness to hold this Coach accountable.

We had a very bad experience with a high school coach that torpedoed my son's confidence. The effects of the experience have lingered both with my child and my spouse and I since we saw how unfairly he was treated. One thing my son has said it that is one thing to not be good enough but to know that you are a good enough player and not be given the opportunity for no reason is hard to deal with. My son is truly a good kid who works hard and has a good attitude along with skill so it was hard to see someone hs coach basically **** on him. He continued to give it his all but it was soul crushing. I am glad that the D3 Coach interaction was uplifting for your daughter. At this point I would measure the impact the HS Coach's behavior is having on your daughter. If she can deal with it without letting it bring her down then I would say she should continue but if it gets to the point where it is hurting her confidence etc then I agree with your husband let her swim where they value her. You want someone who is looking out for her development physical and mentally not someone who is on a power trip.

[KpbS]

So now DD needs to decide what she’s going to do. DH wants her to quit and just do club so she’s somewhere where she is appreciated. I just want to see DD happy, and hopefully she can come to a realization that the coaches’ subjective determination is just one opinion and doesn’t mean anything. She will has a lot to contribute and can succeed despite them.


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This is a really important decision.
Likely this coach will continue to treat your DD spitefully. It seems like it will be a very difficult road for 2 years. If she was a senior, I *might* encourage her to continue the school team. But as a Junior, I would think she would need to have really good reasons for me and DH to let her continue to swim for this coach. It is guaranteed negative interactions for as many days as they ever practice for two entire school years. It just doesn’t seem worth it in my opinion. It will increase stress, anxiety, and likely depression during her high school years and potentially for years to come.

[georgiegirl]

Thank you everyone. It’s unlikely this horrible woman will coach DD next year, since the high school swim team will split next year and the evil coach will want the north feeder since they have 90% of the fast swimmers. Her kids are in the north feeder, and our combined team won state last year (and of course she won coach of the year , which everyone thinks is hilarious.)

We were pretty threatening about filing a bullying complaint and at the meeting you could tell she was kind of scared about that since she overcompensated about how much she cared about DD . So I don’t think she will want to have any negative interactions with DD at all. It’s one thing to have a parent complain about unfairness and poor treatment but another to have a formal bullying complaint filed with the district.

DD has decided to continue to swim high school. All of her club friends are swimming HS, so she’d have to swim with the club boys (no girls) and she doesn’t want to do that. She will swim club twice a week to get extra practice time, and the coach has “generously” allowed her to attend two fast group practices (out of 10). There are two other girls (who aren’t as fast as DD but also deserve to be in the fast group), and DD is making friends with them (lots of joking about how they better not attend too many practices because they might get jn trouble and how they are clearly the favored swimmers ). She’s been happier the past two days since we explained how it’s totally unfair and ridiculous and they admitted they can do whatever the F they want. And how DD is smart and hard working and kind and will go far jn life and how this will be a tiny blip in her amazing journey. It’s sad when people who are in positions of authority over children get off on screwing around with their self confidence and mental health.


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[trales]

If you school has a Title 9 coordinator, you might want to loop them in. Ours has one and a friend used them successfully when her son was being bullied at cross country and the coach was doing boys will boys shrug every time. Worth looking on the website to see who is in that role.

As much as it kills you, you are teaching her amazing lessons in when and how to advocate and how to make the best of the worst situations. You probably cannot see that right now, but you are doing good things for her future and how she copes. I hate that she needs that lesson, but you are doing good things!

[carolinacool]

Thank you everyone. It’s unlikely this horrible woman will coach DD next year, since the high school swim team will split next year and the evil coach will want the north feeder since they have 90% of the fast swimmers. Her kids are in the north feeder, and our combined team won state last year (and of course she won coach of the year , which everyone thinks is hilarious.)

Are most (or all?) of the girls currently on the fast team in the north feeder?