Seeking support when your child is struggling

[jacksmomtobe]

Help. Ds is struggling. He has expressed signs of depression. He has a lot of significant things coming up including moving to school, sports tryouts, college visits which makes it a very difficult time from him to not feel strong mentally. It has really come to a head these last 2 days. I have reached out to his Pediatrician who is out of the country but said we could contact the office tomorrow and either do an emergency visit or schedule a virtual with the social worker. I do not feel he is in immediate danger but do feel that he needs to feel that there is a plan and light at the end of the tunnel. I would appreciate any advice on what resources to think about? Anythings we should be concerned with ie is it a good idea to see a counselor at school if needed or is completely private the best route?

The timing could not be worse but maybe that is what has really brought things out. He is a senior in hs and transferred to private school last year repeating his junior year. He went to play a sport and the experience was not exactly what he had hoped for. He boarded this first part of the year but due to covid it was not an ideal experience. He was in a dorm of hodge podge of kids since some space in another dorm was left empty in case of the need for covid isolation. Many were from foreign countries including his roommate who showed up 2 weeks late. They never connected. His group was the other kids on his team but it was hard because no one was quite in the same situation as he was (other new players highly recruited and not in positions were there was significant depth from existing players). He was somewhat between two worlds. We live a significant distance from school so there was not much hanging on or participating in events after the sports season. He said the team hung out together after the season and people didn't really hang out with the groups. His friends at home were not very good at keeping in touch or including him. They have always been terrible about planning things especially some of his oldest friends but usually my son was good about reaching out as was another friend. The other friend got a girlfriend and since the larger group didn't see my son at school he had to put in a lot of effort and at times felt that they just did not care about him. This was a recurring issue this year. He is a sensitive guy and they likely were wrapped up in trying to figure out their futures as they were all applying to college. He has worked so hard since last season ended especially this summer. He played in a college league and did well. He did fitness and skill training each morning before work. He has been working a lot this summer so the friends thing was a bit back burner. The camp that hired him this summer ended up not hiring the right mix of people so he was the only person who could be 2nd in charge so he did not get time off that he was supposed to. He is behind with college stuff because of this. The camp just ended so this has been the first really downtime he has had so I think everything is hitting now. This year the school team is doing cuts. I would say he would be fine but who knows how many players the coach has recruited and he didn't get to know my son all that well last year so I'm not sure he knows him as a person (good teammate, hard hard worker). He recently met up with a kid who was a post grad last year at the school who really felt misled by the Coach so I'm not sure that really helped things. This is pretty much a make or break situation for him as he wants to play in college (& certainly can at the d3 level). He has schools interested in him but they likely need to see him play this season.

He is nervous to go back to school and be alone. He is very comfortable talking with me. With my husband he felt my husband was angry with him. I think my husband just needs to listen more and not try to come up with a solution. I have explained this to my husband. As a boarder he would come home during the weekends for at least part of the weekend. I have told him we are looking for ways to help him. He is worried that is something goes wrong during this critical time that he will crumble.

Thanks for reading this long post. Any advice on how to support my son would be appreciated.

[liz]

Reaching out to your pediatrician is a great start. I'm glad your ds feels comfortable talking with you. From experience, this won't be a quick fix. But therapy, family support, possibly starting medication, and recognizing the symptoms of anxiety/depression can make you feel more in control of situations. It's so hard to see someone you love hurting, wishing you all the best.

[PunkyBoo]

I agree, getting him in therapy right away (pediatrician can refer or get on the schedule ASAP for social worker or other therapist). One good thing that had come from the pandemic is that therapy can continue via telehealth so if he finds a therapist at home, he can continue sessions at school.
Something to keep in mind- SO MANY teenagers are really struggling right now. So many were robbed of "normal" social and emotional growth over the last 2 years. DS1s therapist told me that the more sensitive kids are really hit hard, because they are also internalizing what a mess the country is in, climate change, parental stress, etc.
Hugs to you, I know firsthand how hard it is to find help when your kids are struggling.

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[KpbS]

I would keep him at home for school this year, not boarding school.
Hugs. It’s hard. We have btdt with a struggling teen.

[KpbS]

I would keep him at home for school this year, not boarding school.
Hugs. It’s hard. We have btdt with a struggling teen.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I’m glad you have a call into the Dr. Hopefully that will get everything moving.
If you read back what you wrote, it’s really hard to see an upside to why he’s going to that school. What are we missing?


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[Kestrel]

Can he still play his sport if he goes to local school?
Is it a fall or winter sport that is coming up soon? Or a spring sport that he'll have time to work on things before season?

[ezcc]

That sounds so difficult, does he like the school in other ways? I know a kid here who went away to boarding school for a sport and it did not work out well at all. I think there can be a lot of promises made at the recruitment stage but it does not always pan out. I realize it is probably too late to make a big change, but I would at least be open to other options if he seems truly miserable. Hopefully once he gets there things will be better- I know boarding schools suffered with covid- trying to be safe meant a lot of the fun things about it got curtailed.

[jacksmomtobe]

I’m glad you have a call into the Dr. Hopefully that will get everything moving.
If you read back what you wrote, it’s really hard to see an upside to why he’s going to that school. What are we missing?


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Because of COVID where he was remote March of his sophomore year which meant once a week zooms and the majority of his junior was remote with hyflex (some kids and teachers remote so going in person still meant everyone on computers) at the end, we decided it made sense for him to go to a private school and repeat his junior year. He was game to do this because he knew academically he was not ready for college and saw the benefits of playing an extra hs year of his sport in a much more competitive league, environment. In our area it is normally hard to get into a private day school as a junior. It was also very hard when he applied as applications rose dramatically due to COVID. In the end after going through the regular process, we went to a private school counselor and had to look at 3 schools one of which was strictly boarding and the other two were a decent drive with day and boarding . The school aspect has been much better for him. Going through the experience I realized that the local highly regarded high school was not providing him a good education. My other child is still there but she is younger so the poor execution of learning during COVID impacts were at a less critical time plus she is a high achiever who taught herself when needed. Thus local school not good for him academically, his previous peers will all have left for college and the sports were a less than positive experience in the past as sports are not valued and the resources allocated reflect that (another rant for another day is the scheduling decisions were made that inequitably effect athletes so dd no longer plays sports due to the academic trade off) . Also there is some rule in our district if a kid leaves for private school and repeats a grade that if they are to return to the school system they have to return to the grade they would have been if they had not left in so not sure a return would even be possible.

The sports piece is key to him. It is a fall sport. He is only scheduled to board the first part if the year but he orig felt that he might decide to stay the whole year as he knows his roommate and since all his friends from home will be gone to college. I am honestly willing to do what is best for him but also feel part of his issue is not really feeling connected in either world. In an ideal world I would want to find a solution where he feels both connected and supported. While he was working this summer he was generally upbeat because he felt connected with the other counselors. Also boarding last year meant coming home on weekends. I also attend all his games so that means two a week and he did prev come home midweek if he felt the need even if the school didn’t love that I used my judgment if I felt it would benefit him. So boarding does not mean he is gone for a semester.

Lastly I know there is no quick fix I just want to get him started on a journey towards feeling better and I am hopeful,that this does not lead to him not being able to achieve his long term goals which are so important to him. I just want him to be happy and if that means he decides his goals become different than that is fine with me but as this point he has been working hard to achieve his goals.

[niccig]

Social life has a huge impact at this age. It sounds like your DS lost his social group when he moved schools and hasn’t established a new social group at his new school. Finding ways for him to stay connected with his old friends will take work and effort on his part, and he’ll feel left out when they discuss things he doesn’t know as not there to experience it. I’d see what the new school can do in terms of social life - are there clubs he can join or other activities? It can be difficult to join though if you’re not feeling motivated, so he may need some encouragement

School shutdown did a number on DS as he was isolated from friends. This last year he found a great group and its been such a great year for him. It really showed me that his social and emotional health is more important than academics.


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