Seeking support when your child is struggling

[trales]

Get him in with the boarding school counselor when they go back. All boarding schools have them on staff, many have 2-3. Leaving on the weekends will end up hurting his social life. The kids who leave, just don't fit in as well as the kids who stay and are forced to participate in the social stuff and make friends that way. Call the school right now and tell them he needs a roommate that is going to be around and also on a team, and will be there the first day.

My DH works at a NE boarding school that is sports heavy and we are deeply engaged in the culture. It's like college, you need to be all in or not in.

Do you know who his advisor is? Have you talked to them? What about student life and the health center there? Feel free to PM me, I have a good sense of most northern NE boarding school culture and might have some info. We have been in the world a long time.

[elektra]

I would look into what resources are available at the school. I only have experience at the college level but many student athletes have regular appointments with the mental health resources (called CAPS at the schools I have worked with).

[elizamom]

My kids are much younger and I don’t have any boarding school experience so you may want to take this witH a grain of salt.
It sounds like the focus for him needs to be on emotional/social help, not academics. Is it possible that the academic (and maybe sport) involvement is simply too much? If so, I’d encourage him to scale back. Honestly, when I picture my littles being older and in this situation, I’d want to take them out of the boarding school immediately and get them back living at home— with their old friends—with significantly less focus on achievements. There’s only so much time in the day and it’s sounds like his days are 98% academics and sports.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My kids are much younger and I don’t have any boarding school experience so you may want to take this witH a grain of salt.
It sounds like the focus for him needs to be on emotional/social help, not academics. Is it possible that the academic (and maybe sport) involvement is simply too much? If so, I’d encourage him to scale back. Honestly, when I picture my littles being older and in this situation, I’d want to take them out of the boarding school immediately and get them back living at home— with their old friends—with significantly less focus on achievements. There’s only so much time in the day and it’s sounds like his days are 98% academics and sports.

That’s where I am. In OP’s follow up it just felt like there was a firm decision between the “better” academic school with better sports vs a less good school but being at home. I think OP’s kiddo is old enough to weigh in and I’d respect that. If he decides that home was better, I’d do that in a second. The academics aren’t swaying me and I get that there’s a whole world of competitive athletics that I know nothing about but that mental health and social stuff would probably trump it. But, I would let ds decide on the pros and cons and be supportive in either direction they choose. I guess my mama bear just says stay home though. This is me totally armchair quarterbacking though with only these posts to go on!

Eta- rereading your follow up. I understand that his sports goals might really be all he’s focused on. I just worry about what would happen either if he’s physically injured and that dream gets squashed as a result or if his mental health takes such a nosedive that it affects his playing too. It’s just really complicated. Have you had a long talk about the reality of playing in college (beyond?)? I hate to see kiddos put a ton of pressure on themselves. I’m most definitely the opposite of a lot of moms though and I know that there are lots of ways to raise healthy, successful kids.

etaa- that's a terrible rule about having to go back a grade level if he did want to return. Sorry I missed that before.

[elizamom]

That’s where I am. In OP’s follow up it just felt like there was a firm decision between the “better” academic school with better sports vs a less good school but being at home. I think OP’s kiddo is old enough to weigh in and I’d respect that. If he decides that home was better, I’d do that in a second. The academics aren’t swaying me and I get that there’s a whole world of competitive athletics that I know nothing about but that mental health and social stuff would probably trump it. But, I would let ds decide on the pros and cons and be supportive in either direction they choose. I guess my mama bear just says stay home though. This is me totally armchair quarterbacking though with only these posts to go on!

Eta- rereading your follow up. I understand that his sports goals might really be all he’s focused on. I just worry about what would happen either if he’s physically injured and that dream gets squashed as a result or if his mental health takes such a nosedive that it affects his playing too. It’s just really complicated. Have you had a long talk about the reality of playing in college (beyond?)? I hate to see kiddos put a ton of pressure on themselves. I’m most definitely the opposite of a lot of moms though and I know that there are lots of ways to raise healthy, successful kids.

Yes, he sounds like a smart kid and I’d want him to really lead the discussions about potential solutions. My oldest son (11) can be a ‘pleaser’ so I’d have to be so careful that he wasn’t just trying to say what he *thought* DH or I (or someone else) wanted to hear. He could also be feeling like he started this path and now he must follow through and continue it.

I can only go by what I’m reading here though, and I very well may be oversimplifying things. I’m sure there are so many layers to this and it’s quite complicated. I do think the key is the very open, honest line of communication you already have with him. Hugs to you both.

[carolinacool]

It sounds like the OP's DS plays wells enough for D3 schools to take a look, which is certainly attainable. And as far as going back home, if I'm reading correctly, DS' friends graduated this spring and many may be heading to college, so he wouldn't be returning to the same situation that he left.

I agree with the PP who said to get in touch with a school advisor and to also look into his housing situation. It sounds like Trales could be a good resource, as well as reaching out to therapists.

Sending good vibes to your son and your family.

[Globetrotter]

As others have said, since his friends will have moved on and he would be held back a year, returning to your local school doesn’t seem like a great option. Definitely have a mental health plan at the boarding school. And I agree that it’s important that he stays there on the weekends to bond with his classmates, at least initially.

If it hadn’t been for the sports team, he could have done his senior year at a proper virtual academy, though that’s not ideal either.

[jacksmomtobe]

It sounds like the OP's DS plays wells enough for D3 schools to take a look, which is certainly attainable. And as far as going back home, if I'm reading correctly, DS' friends graduated this spring and many may be heading to college, so he wouldn't be returning to the same situation that he left.

I agree with the PP who said to get in touch with a school advisor and to also look into his housing situation. It sounds like Trales could be a good resource, as well as reaching out to therapists.

Sending good vibes to your son and your family.

You are correct his friends have graduated and will all be leaving for college, Academically the new school is easier, classes are much smaller and more personal. Last year he got some academic support. They did not feel he needed to continue which I agreed with but after a little discussion it was decided that he would have keep one session that could be used to help with college applications. We felt the focus of last year was getting used to being back in the classroom so we were not at all focused on rigor. This year courses were chose by interest with less concern for rigor. So that aspect is easier for him than public school.

The culture of the school is somewhat team driven as even out if season the team group seems to stick together and there doesn’t seem to be much shifting of social groups. Maybe a 1/3 to 1/2 (they had pgs last year who had to board) of the team boards. The overall split is 50/50 or less boarders. Maybe this year will be different with more ability to interact due to lower COVID restrictions but last year many of the team boarders were very bored out of season. I get the idea of trying to stay at school but I also know there is a bit of balance of him being recharged by being home. Typically due to fall games he game home after the Saturday game. Honestly campus seemed dead on Saturdays. A lot of the out of state boarders had family co,e to games and stay over so often those kids went off and did things with their families. The real benefit is being there during the week.

Did not hear back from the Pediatrician yesterday but I am calling then this morning again. He had a college visit yesterday that went well so he was more upbeat. He has a school sports camp to go yo soon, His sister trained with him a bit yesterday and reminded him of some positives from last year. I will reach out to the school as well because he needs to have support when he feels the lows.

Trales will pm you in a bit.

[hbridge]

A couple of things to consider with regard to the school piece... Does he have to attend high school this year? Does he have enough credits to "graduate"? Can he get missing credits through dual enrollment or other means? It sounds like he has already done 4 years of high school? Does he want to go back to boarding school? Does he need to go back? Could he take this year to just finish up his credits, get his college applications out and do something else (work, volunteer, travel, gain college credits)? I wanted my DC to take a year after graduation to take classes in whatever THEY wanted and to work, voluteer, ect. Just to regroup... They have OTHER plans and leave for college next week, but in your situation, if your son doesn't want to go back to high school, a year of "other" might be the right choice. He could even finish up his high school requirements this Fall and apply for second semester for colleges.

Just a few "thinking outside the box" ideas

[dogmom]

A couple of things to consider with regard to the school piece... Does he have to attend high school this year? Does he have enough credits to "graduate"? Can he get missing credits through dual enrollment or other means? It sounds like he has already done 4 years of high school? Does he want to go back to boarding school? Does he need to go back? Could he take this year to just finish up his credits, get his college applications out and do something else (work, volunteer, travel, gain college credits)? I wanted my DC to take a year after graduation to take classes in whatever THEY wanted and to work, voluteer, ect. Just to regroup... They have OTHER plans and leave for college next week, but in your situation, if your son doesn't want to go back to high school, a year of "other" might be the right choice. He could even finish up his high school requirements this Fall and apply for second semester for colleges.

Just a few "thinking outside the box" ideas

I just want to piggy back onto this thought. I wonder how much of his current crisis is caused by the fact that the big question of "what after high school and being a kid" is staring him in the face now. I would also suggest you sit down your husband/his father and talk about all of this before you guys talk to him. You might need some help for the two of you to really optimize your support for him. It doesn't have to be the same support, but it should be complimentary.

Also, from our view the message "We will always love you and you could never really disappoint me. We will always be there for you, for whatever path you choose for yourself." is understood. But you can NEVER say it enough to your kids, even if they are "yeah, we know." Concrete examples help. You can take time off. You don't have to go to X school. You can decide to change paths. All those things.