Bummed by this friend situation

[belovedgandp]

I'm so sorry. It stinks to be taken advantage of and yes mornings are crazy.

I had a similar experience with a neighbor almost ten years ago. Dad had been unemployed for most of school year and then new job required traveling. Mom could not get two kids to two schools and to work in time. I took older one, but it blew up our morning for the last three months of school. Dad was supposed to be in town at least one day a week. It quickly became very obvious he was there at least one or two mornings each week yet kid was at my house every single day.

Mom must have had some sense of guilt about it because about a year or two later when she had an injury and couldn't drive, she asked three other neighbors for help before she came to me. The other neighbors did not even have a kid at the school.

[echoesofspring]

That sucks to be taken advantage of like that. Also if she's out for a run....does that mean she got someone else to handle drop off for her older one?

We occasionally give one of DD's friends a ride and I'm happy to help out, and also it works pretty well for us- she shows up 15 min before we have to leave and it helps my kids get themself pulled together, DS doesn't want to be in his PJ's, DD wants to appear like she's got it together like her friend, etc. Even so I can't imagine it working if she came an hour early everyday, that would be way too much and disruptive. You really have been very generous with her and I'm sorry she took advantage of your kindness.

[firstbaby]

I can see why you would feel taken advantage of, but I would also tell myself I had given another mom - who is adjusting to being a single parent - a little oxygen in her day for the last three weeks. Having a minute to work out has probably been a lifeline to her. The fact she dropped her daughter off, did whatever and then showed at the assembly? Rude.

Then, I would pick up my phone to text her that in wanting to be helpful, it is putting more on your plate than you can handle in the mornings. If she can drop her daughter off AT THE TIME you are leaving with your own kids anyway, great. If it’s any earlier you are not able to help and she will have to make other arrangements.

[niccig]

We had an arrangement with a neighbor where one of the DHs (usually my DH as he stated work later)took the boys in the morning and the wife picked the boys up. She had to be home by a certain time to meet the bus for her son, so if my DS took too long to get to the pickup point, I told her to leave. She called once asking what to do and I told her to leave and DS would now have to wait an hour for me or walk home - he was MS so old enough. Taught him to get to her on time. Other friends gave DS a lift home from HS bus drop off that’s out of their way for several months - we didn’t ask, they just always did it. We couldn’t do the pick up but DS could walk home. I pet sit their chickens when they go out of town and still do years later. DH thinks we’ve paid back the bus pick ups and we probably have.


My point is, you’re offering to help but this feels a bit too much everyday especially on days when she is available to do the drop off.


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[bisous]

I can see why you would feel taken advantage of, but I would also tell myself I had given another mom - who is adjusting to being a single parent - a little oxygen in her day for the last three weeks. Having a minute to work out has probably been a lifeline to her. The fact she dropped her daughter off, did whatever and then showed at the assembly? Rude.

Then, I would pick up my phone to text her that in wanting to be helpful, it is putting more on your plate than you can handle in the mornings. If she can drop her daughter off AT THE TIME you are leaving with your own kids anyway, great. If it’s any earlier you are not able to help and she will have to make other arrangements.

This is a very kind perspective and I get what you're saying here but I think at least for me if the friend had ASKED how I felt if she took a quick run that morning and would it be okay I'd feel really different than discovering it by accident. I'm willing to help A LOT but when my efforts are obtained under false pretenses than it robs me of that good feeling of helping out. Instead of generous I feel taken in, if that makes sense.

I feel like as I've gotten older I've become more and more direct in my conversation. I'd probably say that I noticed her exercising and at the assembly and mention that it looks like your help in the morning is no longer needed so you'll go ahead and terminate the arrangement. I know that sounds harsh but the reality is that your time is worth something and I feel like she's disrespecting your time. At least this allows her also to apologize at which point you can decide whether to try it again and this time you can be more wary to any potential deceit...but it puts you back in control of your time and the situation.

I like how the PP above mentioned that you'd be willing to drop the child off at the same time you're leaving. Maybe if the conversation above doesn't go well, you can offer that. You'll provide useful aid but it is on your terms. I find that's a lot less frustrating for me to deal with!