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  1. #11
    dogmom is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    You can look into what bankruptcy laws are in their state. If most of their debt is unsecured credit cards there are ways to discharge it. There is income that is protected, like social security, from being garnished. When my 79 yo MIL had credit card debt we could have paid it off for her. But instead we wrote letters to the 4 credit card companies basically saying you decided to loan money to an elderly women with zero assets, $1200/mo in social security, who had already declared bankruptcy. Guess you aren’t getting paid back, stop contacting her. So she has bad credit, who cares. However, if they need to find rental housing bankruptcy and credit scores will effect that. I think your number one concern should not be paying off their debt, but making sure they have stable housing. That might mean stabilizing their debt, it may not. It’s easy for older people to approach money in the same way they always have, but it changes as they get older. The reality is at their age it’s too late for them to save for all their medical bills and potential care. You need to concentrate on food, roof, paying for day to day med/health needs. They need to forget the assumptions they been working from and start from square one. You can help by being and outside sounding board without blame or judgement.

  2. #12
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    You and your spouse have to agree on whatever the plan is. We have had to say now to DHs parents many times over the years. Their asks have always been for hobbies so far. We have said we will not assist them without them making changes to their expenses and buying in on a solid plan for the future.

    It is your money and you can have strings attached. Do plan on whatever you give them to be a gift. There is no way you are getting the money back. While we have said now to DH's parents we have helped out four of his five siblings at different points in time. For a long time I claimed it was "one bail out per family member" - the sibling that has not been gifted money asked for it, but did not like our strings. He was trying to keep a ridiculously expensive vehicle for his income and our offer was to buy him a cheaper vehicle.

  3. #13
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default Advice when family needs money.

    You can also offer help rather than money. Help finding more affordable housing etc. Or if you do offer, it’s time or amount limited, but only if it won’t hurt you financially. My sister had 6 months health insurance after she was laid off, we offered to help with health insurance after the 6 months for total of x amount that we could afford. She found a job within that 6 months, so our help wasn’t needed, but it eased her mind about health insurance costs.


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  4. #14
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    DH and his siblings are better off to give practical help. Like calling cc to reduce interest rates, payment plans, etc. same thing for medical bills, find charity care, etc. food banks, food snaps, and housing benefits for elderly.

    Don’t give money. It sound like it’ll be just a band aid solution, and you’re just in the position of finally saving for yourselves. Don’t get caught up in THEIR finance issues as you need to think about your own retirement. I can’t help my mum, have tried to for years to get her on a budget, etc. finally at 70 something years old she realized credit cards isn’t good for her. Closed them and cut them up, and just use her debit card. She’s now 80 and no more debt but learning to live within her means.


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  5. #15
    WatchingThemGrow is online now Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    If they were missionaries and are in need of a long-term living situation at retirement age, I know of just the place! https://ilvillaggiohomes.com/pages/model-units-rates It's modest but quiet and lovely. Might be too far from you though...

  6. #16
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    In situations like this you have to realize that giving them money is going to be a gift and that even if you manage to control how that amount of money is spent, you have no control over their other choices. It’s really rife with the potential for very hard feelings. For example, maybe you give them $1000 toward rent and you make sure it goes to rent by paying directly to the landlord. Now they have money that is freed up from that obligation and they decide to go to FL for the weekend. Obviously that has a lot of potential to make you feel used in the situation. It also sounds like giving them money is going to be kicking the can down the road where they’ll need money again sooner or later. I’d do as others suggest and instead try to help them find resources that fit within their means. See if you can get the medical bills reduced or forgiven, food benefits, waitlists for affordable housing complexes in your area, etc. Great if you can get the other siblings to pitch in on this and all onthe same page but main thing is setting your boundaries so that no matter what happens you can feel like you did what you could and no more.
    momma to DD 12/08 & DS 3/13

  7. #17
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    KpbS is online now Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I think you need to ask them if you can share their situation with the other siblings. Do any of them have space for the parents to live with them?

    It seems finding a workable living situation should be the priority. They probably need to clear out of where they are and get rid of quite a few things.

    See if they will write down a complete list of all of their bills and payments owed. You (and they) need to have an accurate picture of exactly how much is owed and to whom.
    If it were me, I offer to help by contacting the creditors to see what is owed and if some can be forgiven, managed, etc.

    I would not give money at this time and I would not be inclined to have them come live with you. You’ve made do with your living quarters being smaller than ideal for a long time to save money and adding two more people seems like a recipe for difficulty and potential resentment.
    K

  8. #18
    Melaine is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by WatchingThemGrow View Post
    If they were missionaries and are in need of a long-term living situation at retirement age, I know of just the place! https://ilvillaggiohomes.com/pages/model-units-rates It's modest but quiet and lovely. Might be too far from you though...
    This kind of set up would be really amazing. It's a couple states away but I will definitely keep it in mind and maybe search our area for similar setups. Thanks for sharing.

    We are definitely not considering having them live with us, it's totally out of the question. We might consider a home with a separate in law suite but that's not an immediate solution. I mentioned in another thread trying to get our home in shape for them to live here when we move but that's really not a practical solution either.

    Unfortunately, they were semi-forced to sign another year's lease on their home which at the time I didn't realize was such a bad idea, because I had no idea the situation was what it is. The only way for them to be released from the contract is to pay all the remaining months out which I think is absurd.

    We aren't going to be giving them any loans. For now we gave them a cash gift, but we will figure something out because it can't become a habit. I should probably also say that they did not at any point ask for money, we pressed them for details from some off hand comments they had made. I know that their church has a service that helps elderly people connect with community resources and that they had been involved with it....so I hoped they had tapped in where needed but obviously we need to check back into those things, particularly SNAP.

    My understanding is that a lot of the struggle is from paying out a ton of medical and dental bills from the last two years. Like, thousands. But I would have advised them, of course, to pay those in smaller payments instead of shelling out thousands from savings. What a shame it's too late to give advice because we had no idea. I'm also disillusioned to find out that medicare doesn't pay for all this stuff, especially huge dental bills. I thought that would be at least partially covered. What a mess.

    I know that they don't want the whole extended family to hear about this, but it can't continue to be pushed under the rug. The frustrating thing is the one child who has the resources to truly help or house them is estranged from them.

  9. #19
    Melaine is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Also, I think they have done a lot of the stuff I would advise them to. My MIL sold all her jewelry beyond her wedding ring, for example. They wanted to sell some crystal and china on ebay and I encouraged them to pursue that option but I also know factually that most of that stuff has zero value.

  10. #20
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melaine View Post
    Also, I think they have done a lot of the stuff I would advise them to. My MIL sold all her jewelry beyond her wedding ring, for example. They wanted to sell some crystal and china on ebay and I encouraged them to pursue that option but I also know factually that most of that stuff has zero value.
    I would talk to your ILs about reaching out to all their children for help. No one wants to hear after they have passed that their parents were struggling and didn’t say anything. If you are comfortable doing this, you could approach your ILs about telling all the kids what is going on and asking what the kids can do to help. Now is a time for humility for your IL’s as uncomfortable as that can be.

    And even though one child is estranged, maybe he’s been considering reaching out to his parents now that they are getting older. Maybe helping his parents could be the excuse to mend fences. The Lord works in mysterious ways. You don’t risk anything by asking them for help.
    " I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." Mahatma Gandhi

    "This is the ultimate weakness of violence: It multiplies evil and violence in the universe. It doesn't solve any problems." Martin Luther King, Jr.

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