Vent and advice

[niccig]

So my sister visited on her birthday for 4 days. She volunteered for a work event that was being held in my city. It wasn’t the best timing for us as we were very busy. I cleaned up the house, made birthday dinner, bought a cake. Then we took her out to restaurant that we go to on our birthdays and it wasn’t cheap. Now it’s 3 weeks later and it’s my birthday and it’s been radio silence all day. I checked life 360 and she’s in another city for work, she gets very absorbed in her work. Part of me is mad she forgot my birthday and part of me understands she’s busy and at my age birthdays aren’t that big a deal. In the past we usually wish happy birthday but the actual birthday present might be sent later and it’s not a big deal.

So I can say something snarky to her when she realizes she’s forgotten or I can be understanding and chalk it up to her being self-absorbed. The guys spoilt me when I got home from work and lots of other people wished me a happy birthday (thanks Facebook) so it’s not like I didn’t celebrate


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[Liziz]

First - Happy birthday!! I'm glad your guys spoiled you, you deserve it!

It's so disappointing when you make time and effort to make someone feel special and it's not reciprocated. Since you asked for advice too, I vote against snark. It feels good in the moment but never helps anything. I do think it's fine to address it with your sister "Hey, I just want you to know that I felt really sad you didn't even bother to call me on my birthday. Talking to family on my birthday is important to me." or to just drop it and move on. Knowing all the things you've said about your sister in the past, I don't know how receptive or apologetic she'd be if you address the issue with her though, so you'd have to gauge which action would best allow you to move on.

[jgenie]

I’m sorry your sister hasn’t acknowledged your birthday. That stinks! I am the worst at remembering birthdays. I set reminders for myself and remember the days before but get busy the day of and often forget. I need to send early birthday wishes.

[PunkyBoo]

I also have a self absorbed sister, it took me over 40 years to accept that I can't change her to be the image of the sister I wanted. She forgot my birthday a few years ago, she remembered the next day and called me, feeling awful about it. Saying I was hurt would not have changed her, it would just make her feel worse which also would not benefit me. I let it go. I take/accept whatever positive relationship I get from her. Just makes me appreciate the friends and family that do show up for me.

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[marinkitty]

Happy birthday!

I'm sorry she forgot. I have a brother who is the same way. I wouldn't even bother to say anything. If she calls/texts/whatever later I would say thanks and move on. She isn't going to change her stripes. If it makes you feel badly to be lopsided, maybe next time dial back what you do for her to be a simple birthday wish. If you still prefer to model what you'd like to see from her, great, but you need to do it without expecting reciprocity since you already know who she is. I spent too many years wishing my brother was a different person than he is. Once I let it go once and for all, it bothers me way less that he will never be the person I wish him to be.

[bisous]

I'm so sorry! That stinks. I do think you need to be able to find a way to feel peace with it but isn't that so much easier said than done? I've been working for years with my relationship with my bio dad. He's the one person in my life where I feel like I keep trying to see evidence of his love and affection and he's just so bad at showing it. I should have many years ago just "made peace" with the idea that he just doesn't show his love the way I would like but I have to confess that although I've come a long way, there are days where it still aches a bit. All that to say, I'm sorry, I understand a little bit, and I hope you have a great day anyway!!

[petesgirl]

Happy birthday!!

As far as advice--I'm at a stage of life where I don't have mental energy to dwell on the behaviors of others that I cannot change. I know I would feel disappointed (and upset that I went to trouble of making her day nice) but in the end, I know I have to let stuff like that go for my own mental health.

[niccig]

I’m sorry you’ve all experienced something similar from family. I agree that while snark may feel good for a moment, it wouldn’t longer term. She texted me early this morning wishing me a happy birthday. We didn’t talk until early this evening and she apologized. Didn’t make an excuse, said she was sorry she didn’t call. I told her I understand she’s busy at times just as I’m busy too.

It wouldn’t have bothered me as much if I hadn’t gone to such trouble for her birthday. Usually we just call and send a gift card. It was an extremely busy week for me when she visited and I had several late nights getting ready for her visit and juggling everything else I had to do. I didn’t expect the same level as weren’t together, a text would’ve been fine with a phone call whenever she had time. Lesson learned to pull back for her visits if I don’t have the time rather than stay up late getting things ready


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[gatorsmom]

It wouldn’t have bothered me as much if I hadn’t gone to such trouble for her birthday. Usually we just call and send a gift card. It was an extremely busy week for me when she visited and I had several late nights getting ready for her visit and juggling everything else I had to do. I didn’t expect the same level as weren’t together, a text would’ve been fine with a phone call whenever she had time. Lesson learned to pull back for her visits if I don’t have the time rather than stay up late getting things ready


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Im a little shocked that she didn’t apologize more for doing NOTHING for you after you and through all that trouble for her. It makes me angry for you, especially since you didn’t have the time for it but made her birthday special anyway. I don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to not reciprocate. I’m petty but I wouldn’t do it again, even if she came to visit. I’d simply explain that you just don’t have time to make a fuss. She should definitely understand.

And btw- very Happy Belated Birthday!

[doberbrat]

Happy Belated Birthday! I'm sorry she didnt acknowledge your bday - I know how much that hurts.