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Thread: Vent and advice

  1. #1
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default Vent and advice

    So my sister visited on her birthday for 4 days. She volunteered for a work event that was being held in my city. It wasnít the best timing for us as we were very busy. I cleaned up the house, made birthday dinner, bought a cake. Then we took her out to restaurant that we go to on our birthdays and it wasnít cheap. Now itís 3 weeks later and itís my birthday and itís been radio silence all day. I checked life 360 and sheís in another city for work, she gets very absorbed in her work. Part of me is mad she forgot my birthday and part of me understands sheís busy and at my age birthdays arenít that big a deal. In the past we usually wish happy birthday but the actual birthday present might be sent later and itís not a big deal.

    So I can say something snarky to her when she realizes sheís forgotten or I can be understanding and chalk it up to her being self-absorbed. The guys spoilt me when I got home from work and lots of other people wished me a happy birthday (thanks Facebook) so itís not like I didnít celebrate


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  2. #2
    Liziz is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    First - Happy birthday!! I'm glad your guys spoiled you, you deserve it!

    It's so disappointing when you make time and effort to make someone feel special and it's not reciprocated. Since you asked for advice too, I vote against snark. It feels good in the moment but never helps anything. I do think it's fine to address it with your sister "Hey, I just want you to know that I felt really sad you didn't even bother to call me on my birthday. Talking to family on my birthday is important to me." or to just drop it and move on. Knowing all the things you've said about your sister in the past, I don't know how receptive or apologetic she'd be if you address the issue with her though, so you'd have to gauge which action would best allow you to move on.
    Lizi

  3. #3
    jgenie is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I’m sorry your sister hasn’t acknowledged your birthday. That stinks! I am the worst at remembering birthdays. I set reminders for myself and remember the days before but get busy the day of and often forget. I need to send early birthday wishes.
    for Carmen

  4. #4
    PunkyBoo is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    I also have a self absorbed sister, it took me over 40 years to accept that I can't change her to be the image of the sister I wanted. She forgot my birthday a few years ago, she remembered the next day and called me, feeling awful about it. Saying I was hurt would not have changed her, it would just make her feel worse which also would not benefit me. I let it go. I take/accept whatever positive relationship I get from her. Just makes me appreciate the friends and family that do show up for me.

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  5. #5
    marinkitty is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Happy birthday!

    I'm sorry she forgot. I have a brother who is the same way. I wouldn't even bother to say anything. If she calls/texts/whatever later I would say thanks and move on. She isn't going to change her stripes. If it makes you feel badly to be lopsided, maybe next time dial back what you do for her to be a simple birthday wish. If you still prefer to model what you'd like to see from her, great, but you need to do it without expecting reciprocity since you already know who she is. I spent too many years wishing my brother was a different person than he is. Once I let it go once and for all, it bothers me way less that he will never be the person I wish him to be.

  6. #6
    bisous is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I'm so sorry! That stinks. I do think you need to be able to find a way to feel peace with it but isn't that so much easier said than done? I've been working for years with my relationship with my bio dad. He's the one person in my life where I feel like I keep trying to see evidence of his love and affection and he's just so bad at showing it. I should have many years ago just "made peace" with the idea that he just doesn't show his love the way I would like but I have to confess that although I've come a long way, there are days where it still aches a bit. All that to say, I'm sorry, I understand a little bit, and I hope you have a great day anyway!!

  7. #7
    petesgirl is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Happy birthday!!

    As far as advice--I'm at a stage of life where I don't have mental energy to dwell on the behaviors of others that I cannot change. I know I would feel disappointed (and upset that I went to trouble of making her day nice) but in the end, I know I have to let stuff like that go for my own mental health.
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  8. #8
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default Vent and advice

    Iím sorry youíve all experienced something similar from family. I agree that while snark may feel good for a moment, it wouldnít longer term. She texted me early this morning wishing me a happy birthday. We didnít talk until early this evening and she apologized. Didnít make an excuse, said she was sorry she didnít call. I told her I understand sheís busy at times just as Iím busy too.

    It wouldnít have bothered me as much if I hadnít gone to such trouble for her birthday. Usually we just call and send a gift card. It was an extremely busy week for me when she visited and I had several late nights getting ready for her visit and juggling everything else I had to do. I didnít expect the same level as werenít together, a text wouldíve been fine with a phone call whenever she had time. Lesson learned to pull back for her visits if I donít have the time rather than stay up late getting things ready


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    Last edited by niccig; 11-05-2022 at 01:10 AM.

  9. #9
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post

    It wouldnít have bothered me as much if I hadnít gone to such trouble for her birthday. Usually we just call and send a gift card. It was an extremely busy week for me when she visited and I had several late nights getting ready for her visit and juggling everything else I had to do. I didnít expect the same level as werenít together, a text wouldíve been fine with a phone call whenever she had time. Lesson learned to pull back for her visits if I donít have the time rather than stay up late getting things ready


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    Im a little shocked that she didnít apologize more for doing NOTHING for you after you and through all that trouble for her. It makes me angry for you, especially since you didnít have the time for it but made her birthday special anyway. I donít understand why she thinks itís ok to not reciprocate. Iím petty but I wouldnít do it again, even if she came to visit. Iíd simply explain that you just donít have time to make a fuss. She should definitely understand.

    And btw- very Happy Belated Birthday!
    " I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." Mahatma Gandhi

    "This is the ultimate weakness of violence: It multiplies evil and violence in the universe. It doesn't solve any problems." Martin Luther King, Jr.

  10. #10
    doberbrat is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Happy Belated Birthday! I'm sorry she didnt acknowledge your bday - I know how much that hurts.
    dd1 10/05
    dd2 11/09
    and 1 cocker spaniel

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