I've Got Whine; Who's Got Cheese? - 2023 Whine-and-Cheese Thread

[gatorsmom]

I just read the thread up to the part where you said your Dh has ADHD. That explains so much. As the wife, mother and DIL of people with ADHD, I have a lot of experience with it. It isn’t just some little thing. It completely affects how their brains work. More and more research is shedding light on the disorder which is exciting and really explains so much. While people with ADHD seem to have some truly amazing abilities, they have some bewildering deficiencies too. My Dh has created 6-7 different companies which he successfully spun off and sold for millions of dollars but he is completely incapable of staying organized with his physical things. He’s also extremely, irrationally sensitive to rejection. For example, his loan officer’s office was having a holiday party that they didn’t invite him to and when he found out, he felt rejected. Like it bothered him for days. He admitted that the feeling was irrational (his loan officer was friendly and they’d worked together for years but they didn’t socialize outside of work) but he couldn’t help feeling left out. And wouldn’t it be so much easier if all people were affected the same way by ADHD? But nope. Ds3 has a severe case of it and he NEVER feels left out. In fact, he’s got very healthy, rational emotional regulation tendencies. He's the opposite of his dad.

You might already know all of this about ADHD. But what it boils down to is- it is hard to be married to someone with ADHD. My son’s therapist said this out loud one day when ds1 complained about Dh and my fighting. She said, “sweetie, your mom is doing the best she can. It’s hard being married to someone with ADHD.” When she said that, I felt so SEEN. Like someone understood my struggle and how that I’m doing exceptional work by being married to him.

So I’m passing it on to you. YOU are doing exceptional work. Being married to someone with ADHD is, in some ways, like being married to someone who is very short, or is blind or parapalegic. You will have to fill in to do the things they can’t. I’ve been discovering for the past 23 years all the things Dh just can’t do. He’s very gifted in some ways but terribly childlike in others . He just can’t do some things. Some of that he’s truly incapable and some of it he’s decided he’s rubbish at and can’t do them. But it adds up to the same thing. Those jobs fall to me. I’m his crutch. And I’ve come to decide that I don’t mind that because I’m in awe of and love all the things he can do. I call them his super-hero traits.

I don’t bother to ask his opinion about the kids’ medical issues or school issues. I handle it and I tell him how I’m going to handle it. I inform him. If he has an opinion I listen to it but the buck stops at me. And we’ve discussed this way of parenting and managing the house before. We agreed then this is how our marriage will work. Im in charge of the kids’ health and education. He’s very good with numbers and managing the business and our finances so he handles that. He tells me what he’s doing and how things are going. Occasionally he asks my opinion especially since I used to work in HR. But he makes the final decision. And this system mostly works for us. It plays to his strengths and it plays to mine.

Im sorry this is getting long and I may have overstepped since this is the bitching post, but I was thinking that since your Dh seems unable or unwilling (same thing) to grasp your daughter’s health struggles and educational challenges you should stop expecting your DH to help. You are handling it without him and doing the best you can. Quit asking him. It will stop the fighting and frustration on your part when he can’t handle it in the way you are wanting him to. You may want to sit him down and discuss which areas he will be responsible for and wha they’re will be responsible for. Is he good at house and car maintenance and repair? Is he sociable and can be “the face” of your family? What burdens can he efficiently shoulder that you cannot? You can’t be expected to do it all. But maybe clearly defining and dividing the tasks will at least smooth things over a little for your both. And remind him that you guys should keep each other informed about what you are doing. He shouldn’t be buying a house without discussing it with you! But the areas you feel you can trust him to manage well, let him handle those. And your daughter’s issues should fall to you. There are always times I feel I’m shouldering more than my share but then I see Dh struggling or losing sleep over his areas and I remember that the grass always seems greener on the other side. But it should always be up for discussion between people who care about each other.

One last thing to remember- when they learn this I’m not sure, but men often feel it’s their responsibility to fix everything. And their definition of fixed is different from ours. So he may try to overstep at which time you can remind him he is only responsible for the areas you both agreed to. Occsiaonlly I have to show Dh how it feels when he starts overstepping. I do it right back to him. I’ll call his managers and start asking them questions (I normally let him run his businesses the way he sees fit, as we agreed). He freaks out that I’ve called his managers. So I explain why I did it. I called and talked to a couple of them so that he’d know how it feels to have me overstepping. I then remind him that if he wants me to butt out then he needs to stop overstepping into my areas. Usually after this he quiets down and says he understands and is sorry for not trusting me. Then usually he promises to back off and let me handle the things I’m good at handling. He also throws in comments about how he heard me complaining and felt he needed to step in to help with the situation. I then remind him that He doesn’t have to fix everything. However, I do appreciate when I ask for help with something and he’s willing to jump in and help. I may be in charge of our kids but I’ve asked Dh to work with DD’s Scoutmaster who’s not a great leader. Dh and this guy get along great and he listens to DH. So I’m always thankful when dh works with this guy. Dh does help with the kids in many other ways, but it’s after I explain to him what the goals are. Anyway, this system works for us. I thought it might work for you too.

Im sorry you are struggling. Your family is in my prayers.

[lizzywednesday]

I just read the thread up to the part where you said your Dh has ADHD. ...
Im sorry you are struggling. Your family is in my prayers.

I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful post, even if I haven't decided how to reply to the advice yet. (You've been generous with your time & energy, so I would like to give that some time & space to not knee-jerk respond with "nope, not gonna do it!")

[lizzywednesday]

(I don't want a prayer book for my child, Mom. We are not religious and, frankly, your willful ignoring of my current stance on the Church is hurtful. I know you mean well, but, no, I do not want another thing I will have to throw away or donate because it will not be used.)

[gatorsmom]

I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful post, even if I haven't decided how to reply to the advice yet. (You've been generous with your time & energy, so I would like to give that some time & space to not knee-jerk respond with "nope, not gonna do it!")

I appreciate that. If you take away anything from my post it's that 1) you are doing a GREAT job and 2) being married to someone with ADHD is really hard. And it looks different in everyone. So it's hard work and you are DOING A GREAT JOB.