Surviving DD2's teenage years are going to be rough

[wendibird22]

DD2 is 13 and so headstrong. She's firmly grounded in who she is, her opinions, and her abilities. She can be a bit of a queen bee and that has bit her with her peers a few times, but that's been good learning for her. I love her grit and tenacity and self-confidence. But man oh man does she butt heads with us, mostly DH, and so it feels like every conversation is a battle she must win. She feels like we don't listen. We feel like everything is an argument from her. Every response from her begins with either "I was just..." which is her response to not following a direction in a timely way (I was just about to, I was just doing X first, I was just waiting for X) or "But...(insert counterpoint)." It has gotten to the point where DH and her simply cannot communicate about anything without it being some level of argument. DH just wants her to listen and either take the feedback/advice (if it's related to school, peers, sports, etc) or do what she's being asked. She always counters with his advice is bad, he doesn't understand what she's saying, he won't let her finish her point, what he's asking is stupid, some other disagreeable response. She just wants him to fully listen to her, to let her opinion/feelings change his mind occasionally, to not assume her every response is an argument. She doesn't accept that her tone of voice and sentence openers of "but" and "I was just" always come across as arguing. This morning they were arguing over the fact that he wants to drop her back at school today after her dentist appointment if class is still in session, even if just for a short time. She thinks that's stupid and doesn't want to walk back into class if there's only 10mins left. DH is a teacher and he values school and if there's 10mins left of school, you attend 10mins. I personally don't care if she goes back to class, but if DH said so, then she needs to do so. She won't let it go and just keeps saying it's stupid, she's not going to do it, he's being unreasonable, and on and on and on.

I basically told her this morning that she and DH need to figure out how to communicate with each other. That both have reached a point where each enters every conversation assuming it will be a battle. And that she has a chance to turn that around (as does he!). But she simply can't help herself and her need to try to win the argument.

I'm tired of being the referee. I feel bad for both people who are equally burned out by it. I don't like that DH feels disrespected by DD2 and I don't like that DD2 feels unheard by DH or that her opinions don't matter to him. I also know that teens are angsty. I've read Untangled (I wish DH would read it, he won't) and know so much of this is just typical teen girl behavior. I remember working through this with DD1 who at almost 16yr is easier to deal with. But man it is exhausting!!

[ArizonaGirl]

DD2 is 13 and so headstrong. She's firmly grounded in who she is, her opinions, and her abilities. She can be a bit of a queen bee and that has bit her with her peers a few times, but that's been good learning for her. I love her grit and tenacity and self-confidence. But man oh man does she butt heads with us, mostly DH, and so it feels like every conversation is a battle she must win. She feels like we don't listen. We feel like everything is an argument from her. Every response from her begins with either "I was just..." which is her response to not following a direction in a timely way (I was just about to, I was just doing X first, I was just waiting for X) or "But...(insert counterpoint)." It has gotten to the point where DH and her simply cannot communicate about anything without it being some level of argument. DH just wants her to listen and either take the feedback/advice (if it's related to school, peers, sports, etc) or do what she's being asked. She always counters with his advice is bad, he doesn't understand what she's saying, he won't let her finish her point, what he's asking is stupid, some other disagreeable response. She just wants him to fully listen to her, to let her opinion/feelings change his mind occasionally, to not assume her every response is an argument. She doesn't accept that her tone of voice and sentence openers of "but" and "I was just" always come across as arguing. This morning they were arguing over the fact that he wants to drop her back at school today after her dentist appointment if class is still in session, even if just for a short time. She thinks that's stupid and doesn't want to walk back into class if there's only 10mins left. DH is a teacher and he values school and if there's 10mins left of school, you attend 10mins. I personally don't care if she goes back to class, but if DH said so, then she needs to do so. She won't let it go and just keeps saying it's stupid, she's not going to do it, he's being unreasonable, and on and on and on.

I basically told her this morning that she and DH need to figure out how to communicate with each other. That both have reached a point where each enters every conversation assuming it will be a battle. And that she has a chance to turn that around (as does he!). But she simply can't help herself and her need to try to win the argument.

I'm tired of being the referee. I feel bad for both people who are equally burned out by it. I don't like that DH feels disrespected by DD2 and I don't like that DD2 feels unheard by DH or that her opinions don't matter to him. I also know that teens are angsty. I've read Untangled (I wish DH would read it, he won't) and know so much of this is just typical teen girl behavior. I remember working through this with DD1 who at almost 16yr is easier to deal with. But man it is exhausting!!

I could write this exact same post about my 14 year old (obviously different since it's my DS, but scenario is identical) about my DS and my DH.

I'm so over being the referee and I'm the middle of every battle. I can often see both sides, but neither will get out of their own way to meet in the middle.

No advice, I just commiserate.

[PunkyBoo]

Wendibird, your DD sounds exactly like me at that age, but I directed it all towards my mom. I can't tell you how much guilt I feel now, when I fight these battles with my DS2 and remember how hard I was to parent. Can I gently recommend going to therapy with her/as a family? So you're DD has an arena to feel heard, and so both of them learn how their communication styles are affecting the outcomes. My DS2 has ADHD/anxiety/depression so we usually attribute his defiance to those factors, but therapy has helped ALL of us so much.

Sent from my Pixel 3a XL using Tapatalk

[PZMommy]

I could have written this word for word expect my 13 yr old is a boy. It is so frustrating and exhausting to me. I’m sorry I have no advice, but know you aren’t alone!

[gatorsmom]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s so hard on everyone. We just got through something very similar with dd. It lasted about 2 years. Two years of constant butting heads. But she’s through it now and it feels like we argue a lot less. Not sure exactly what improved the situation. Just happy that we aren’t arguing anymore. I hope your get there soon too.