How would you react to this? note from teacher…..long

[AnnieW625]

Dh and I both received this message from DD2’s home room teacher (6th grade). I know middle schoolers stink and have hormones, but this really rubbed me the wrong way. This teacher has zero filter and if I suspect what happened was that Dd2 was embarrassed about the teacher commenting below and was just mad about that and then didn’t want to sit at the front table to do her work (she isn’t the only kid who usually has to sit there). Also dd2 took a shower last night. She may have worn a dirty shirt and her jacket probably needs to be washed, but read below (and please tell me I am not off my rocker.)

“Good Morning,
This is a sensitive topic to bring up. I am noticing an odor when I'm around _____. Has she been grooming herself of late? I almost sent her home this morning because she threw a fit when I asked her to sit at the front table. She is always on other websites instead of doing her work. Thank you for understanding.”

So Dh responded to the teacher and told her we will talk to DD2 about the issues she brought up above.

I then decided to email the principal who is out of the office until Thursday (I called to talk to her about it in person). This was my message to the principal:

Good morning PRINCIPAL: It is Tuesday 3/28 and I tried to call and speak with you this AM but X said you were out until Thursday, but I wanted you to see the message that we received from TEACHER today about _____.
(Attached teacher message here)

My husband messaged TEACHER back and told her that we would speak to ______ about the issues today which is fine, but I just thought you should know.

We will definitely talk to ______ about not using the internet websites in class (when she is supposed to be working) but there has to be a way to block the internet other than approved sites so they aren’t a distraction (for _____ and other kids).

Please call or message me when you return on Thursday.

Thanks!”

So I think I sound concerned and responded okay but the other issue is the fact that these kids have had school issues iPads (for at least 3 years) and they do not looked to be blocked or set for educational use at all (except I doubt things can be downloaded from the App Store). Granted my kid is guilty of being easily distracted and the school is well aware of this, but I am just amazed that there aren’t any internet blocks or my kid is a computer whiz and knows how to override everything. When dd2 was at home during Covid we used our own iPad and ended up having to buy Cisderm.app to block YouTube and other game sites that were a distraction to Dd2; as she could get away with watching YouTube during class because the first thing they were taught in computers in 4th grade during online instruction was how to split their screens. Dd1s school iPad is locked down pretty well so I know it can be done but I have a hard time believing that the elementary school is somewhat oblivious to all of this….

Fwiw: DD2 is not returning to the school next year. She will be in public middle school (7th-8th grades only). We got her IEP finalized two weeks ago (she is at grade level for her level, but still needs a lot of one on one attention or motivation to get work done) and the current school gave us the option to let her return next year but we had to pay for a tutor to sit with her 3 hrs. per day each school day. I figured that cost was going to be about $1500-$2000 a month on top of the $600 a month in tuition. The public school offers more services (including a specific study/skills planning class in her regular schedule) so we are going to try it out. I also Dd2 that it will be better to have different teachers for all of her subjects (right now her home room teacher teaches social science, English, math, and religion); she has pullouts for Spanish, Computers, art, music, and PE. I generally really like the principal at the school and the pull out teachers and friends who have kids in 7th and 8th grade like the teachers as well, and I liked DD2’s 4th and 5th grade teachers as well. This 6th grade teacher I haven’t cared for at all (her first comment to me ever when I introduced myself and told her who I was was “I know all about your child because I read her file” and rolled her eyes like she knew Dd2 would be a challenge and she wasn’t going to take it seriously. Even Dd1 (who often picks up
dd2 from school notices how the teacher treats Dd2).

Sorry that got to be so long but I would love some input if anyone has anything to give.


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[georgiegirl]

It sounds like there are two separate issues. (1) grooming/smell. I hope the teacher didn’t say anything to get directly. And that is something you can deal with at home. (2) internet/device usage. I have a lot of experience with this one since DS1 has issues with staying on track when he has his school computer. For him, having access to a device isn’t good for him. It distracts him from learning and he’s always rushing through assignments to play games. And how can your school not have some sort of software that monitors things? We have Securely. Of course, I’m sure DS can get around it, but there are certain things he cannot access on his school computer. The administration was supportive when I expressed by concerns about how DS cannot control himself when he has constant access to it. (He has ADHD.) he also has a 504, and some of his accommodations expressly deal with the device. Priority seating…so the teacher can keep an eye on him. Frequent check-ins to make sure he’s on track and not playing games all the time. His grades this semester are better than before everyone was aware of the issue.

I think public school will be much better for your DD. Private schools in general don’t have the supports to deal with kids with IEPs and often 504s. There is absolutely no way my youngest (DS2) could be at a private school, even though academically he’s insanely smart. At public school, they are required to deal with him , required to figure out what he needs, require to give him additional instruction, required to give him accommodations. I think next year will be better with your DD.


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[Peaches Keane]

I’ve been out of the school system for several years, but I know my old system had issues with iPads. Parents, students, teachers, wanted them for ease of use and special apps, but they were very hard to control. Maybe in the years since, things have changed, or maybe not.

[AnnieW625]

I should’ve added above that the school iPads don’t come home.

Thank you Georgie. Dd2 really likes the kids at her school though which is why we kept her there (plus despite her grades not being great in 4th and 5th grade she liked her teachers and her 5th grade teacher used to teach special Ed., and was a reading specialist before she had kids and started teaching at this school). We also didn’t really want Dd2 to have to attend a 5th elementary school (k-2 one school, 3- one school for 3 weeks before the district force transferred her to school 3; school3: 3rd-4th grade, and school 4: 4th (repeat)-current). We were going to enroll her in the public elementary school though when we moved here but thought we would try Catholic again because they were supposed to be in person but a week before school started they were mandated to be online as the diocese agreed with the state department of education mandates (she eventually went back in March when the local school districts all went back due to the mandates ending).


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[AnnieW625]

I’ve been out of the school system for several years, but I know my old system had issues with iPads. Parents, students, teachers, wanted them for ease of use and special apps, but they were very hard to control. Maybe in the years since, things have changed, or maybe not.

There has to be some controls though because DD1’s iPad that comes home you can’t even change the home screens now (you used to be able to). She says she thinks she can still watch Netflix on the internet but I told her she shouldn’t. Dd1’s elementary school classroom MacBook Airs were completely locked down (and she had access to those from 2017 to 2020).


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[KpbS]

To me the note from your teacher was an example of the teacher being frustrated with several aspects of having your DD in class. One she didn’t want to sit at the table, two, she was off task with websites, and three, she felt she hadn’t showered. Clearly the teacher is irritated and I would worry that she is taking out that irritation on DD. I would have preferred separate communication at different times regarding these issues.

I’m sorry. That’s so frustrating.

[doberbrat]

Personally, I would have sent at least 2 separate emails - 1) staying on task and following directions (since they are somewhat linked) and 2) hygiene. Hygiene is an issue because it sets kids up for being teased by other kids. but still, it should have been a separate issue.

The locking down of devices is hard. When you block youtube, you also block all sorts of educational sites. You cant really block search engines completely. Yet, you have to block because you cant trust kids to have self control.

I dont have any real answers but I'd be frustrated too.

[AnnieW625]

Personally, I would have sent at least 2 separate emails - 1) staying on task and following directions (since they are somewhat linked) and 2) hygiene. Hygiene is an issue because it sets kids up for being teased by other kids. but still, it should have been a separate issue.

The locking down of devices is hard. When you block youtube, you also block all sorts of educational sites. You cant really block search engines completely. Yet, you have to block because you cant trust kids to have self control.

I dont have any real answers but I'd be frustrated too.

For sure. I didn’t think Dd2 stunk this AM but maybe she inadvertently put on a dirty shirt or forgot to put on deodorant (that does happen) or like I said maybe her jacket is dirtier than I thought. She showered last night so I just think it is completely random. She is friends with a bunch of the boys in her class so maybe they don’t tell her she stinks. I can usually pick up though when she doesn’t put on deodorant though as I could with Dd1 (and myself) at that age.

Yes I found that locking down sites was hard but if they need to watch a you tube video in the class the teacher can show it to them on a screen so they don’t need to individually watch it. I get it though. It is tough to regulate.


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[echoesofspring]

Clearly the teacher is irritated and I would worry that she is taking out that irritation on DD. I would have preferred separate communication at different times regarding these issues.

I’m sorry. That’s so frustrating.

This was my read as well, it comes off rather brusque. My "assume good intent" read of it is that she needed to communicate all of this but was in a hurry, but it's off putting to just see a laundry list of the different issues.

The locking down devices thing is such a ridiculous struggle. I had several conversations with our district's IT program about it during the pandemic b/c DS would watch an assigned video through the VPN on his machine and then go on to just surf youtube and I couldn't block it with the app we had purchased that would block youtube. I have more empathy for the district after reading last week about how many hacking attempts they have to do deal with daily but it's still really frustrating that we're all still fighting this.

If this was my son I would insist that he sit up front where his focus on work can be better monitored. Most of his teachers do this anyway, and it may even be in his IEP. It seems like that's where the teacher wanted her, and I would support that and tell DD that's where she's going to be during those times. I don't really believe telling kids to not surf the web is very effective once they've shown they are going to do it, it requires a lot more self controls that most adults have. So if we can't fix the access issue we need to set up more guardrails in the classroom to help her (and the others, I'm sure she's not the only one) that's the convo I'd be having with the teacher/principal.

We're struggling on the BO front as well (per my recent laundry thread ). I wash DD's coat every week, insist she wears socks (her shoes have been an ongoing problem) and don't let her rewear a sweater, etc. Right now her coat smells like a cross between nature's miracle and the lysol odor remover b/c the cat peed on it when she left it on the floor and I soaked it probably for too long in the NM. No one has objected though, not even her and it still beats stinky kid

there's a lot of us right there with you with these struggles

[wendibird22]

Devices at my kids schools are locked down and the wifi blocks lots and lots of content (I have to turn off my wifi and go to data while I'm at sporting events or concerts and need to use certain apps). But there are still educational "approved" sites that are fun and entertain and yes, distracting. Even the educational games. DD2, 7th grade, is always talking about some of the kids in her classes who are playing on their chromebooks on approved apps, instead of doing what they are supposed to be doing.