This is so much harder than I'd imagined.

[anonomom]

(disclaimer: I know how privileged I am, that most women work their kids' whole lives, and that they all figure all of this out just fine. I just don't have anyone to talk to about this and I need to get it out.)

I'm coming up on a year back at work after 17 years as a SAHM, and I am exhausted. I adore my job and I'm incredibly grateful that I now get paid to work I had been doing for free for the last five years, but it's emotionally draining (I work in progressive politics in NC and, well, y'all have seen the news). 2023 was supposed to be easier than 2022, after months of 10-12 hour workdays before the election, but it's almost 8 pm as I write this and in the last five minutes two different members of my team have texted asking me for things. And because I had been active in this space before I got my job, there's no boundary between my work life and my life life -- my evenings, weekends and holidays are often spent doing more of what I just spent the workweek doing. The only difference is now it's my job, so I don't really get to turn down events just because I'm tired.

Meanwhile, I still haven't really managed to figure out how to go about doing everything I did before I went back to work -- mostly we survive on Home Chef meal prep and intermittent (expensive!) trips to the closest grocery store to grab whatever we need at that exact moment. My kids are basically being raised by school and netflix because I no longer have the flexibility to drive them places. And I just made DD2 -- my stoic kid who never, ever cries -- cry. I asked the kids to feed the cats and they started squabbling over who was going to take on the enormous effort of spending 60 seconds to open two cans of food, and I just lost it. She spent dinner stifling sobs, and I feel like pond scum.

I kind of need all of this to be easier, and I can't see how it will be. It's not realistic for me to go back to being a SAHM, especially with college costs looming, and to be honest, 2024 is going to be intense whether or not I'm getting paid. I just need to learn how to deal, I guess. But tonight I'm wallowing.

[Tenasparkl]

The balance is SO hard. I've been working for the entire time I've had kids and still feel like things slip though the cracks in one place or the other. It'll get easier and it may then get harder again. Thank you for doing the work you're doing! Glad to have you out there making a difference.

[DualvansMommy]

I hear and see you. I transitioned back to PT job 5 years ago which became FT position with lots of responsibility a year before pandemic hit.

I also work in a very draining and demanding field; DV. So I get ya on the exhausted front, part of it for you is that it’s all still so relatively new! A year isn’t that long for a huge life change.

Also, to avoid burnout rate quicker, boundaries have to be set down. Make clear distinction between home/work and I know it is not easy especially more so if working from home. The only reason I’m not burnt out cuz I have very very supportive ED, strong leadership from top and great support among colleagues. We are strict and very protective of our “off duty” time, cuz it’s the only way we can survive to keep going to support the people that need us; victims and survivors.

I don’t want this to come off as condescending because you probably have thought of it. It’s really for your own protection, sanity and mental health. Everyone is entitled to bad days, I’ve lost count of my kids crying at beginning and still a year later into my transition. They’re better now because it’s new established routine for them. Still have the bad day though, but it’s managed better nowadays. You got this, is DH around and working too?


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[♥ms.pacman♥]

hugs. welcome to the chaos that is being a working mama when i first went back to work in 2012 I thought I was going to go insane, the first few weeks were SO HARD. it's not just you that needs time to adjust, it's everyone else in the family bc thtey're used to you doing a million and one things for them. They will learn, it just takes time. now more than 10 years later it is still hard as heck but everyone's been adjusted to it so the (low) expectations are set. House is always a wreck, I almost never make meals (DH does it), and the kids don't do any activities except for impromptu friend get togethers. Kids are old enough to make sandwiches for dinner on weekends bc i'm too busy doing laundry and other stuff during weekends (exercise, etc). I started a new job late last year and i've been working 10-12 hour days recently with lots of travel and that's been another adjustment.

and kudos to you for getting into progressive politics in that state. As a mama in TX very close to the most recent mass shooting, i totally salute you. It's an uphill battle but one that needs to be fought!

[niccig]

It’s always up and down. Some times we’re on top of things, other times we’re not. I’ve learned to let things go when needed, both at home and at work.

DS is a senior so older than many of your DC, and the last couple of years I’ve had less to do for him (driving so takes himself to practices, runs errands for me!). It’s a window of time when work and family juggling is more difficult. My colleagues at work are younger and I see them juggling more and I remind them it won’t be like this forever. My MIL told me she wished she had played more and cleaned less when her kids were young. I tell myself this when the dust bunnies are huge and walking around the house! At the moment both DH’s and I are slammed at work and we’re trying o organize a grad party for DS. I don’t have the bandwidth for the dust bunnies so I’m ignoring them until the weekend. Next week work will be easier for me so I’ll catch up on other household chores then so there’s not as much to do before the party in a couple of weeks


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[klwa]

Honestly, I think you NEED to start enforcing the boundaries between home & office, even if you don't feel like you should be. So, look at what you can actually do in your official hours, and refuse the things that you can't. Even if it's something that you would enjoy if it weren't your job. You've got to have time for your real life.

[SnuggleBuggles]

How much of what you are doing after hours is a true, the world will instantly collapse, type emergency and what can realistically wait until business hours? What can really be done in that moment that can’t just as effectively be done when you return to work? The best workers I know have an off switch and use it well. Maybe you just need to find yours…or at least use the mute button on your phone good luck!


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[wendibird22]

Hugs. I think so many of us working parents feel the constant tug of work vs home and feel we fall short at both ends of the spectrum. I gave up the concept of work/life balance a long time ago and strive more for work/life harmony...meaning the pendulum is always going to be swinging in one of the directions and so long as over the "seasons" of work and life (we have busy seasons for school and busy seasons for work) there's some resemblance of harmony, then I'm doing ok. And I've snapped at my kids and made them cry more times than I care to admit! It sucks but we are human and crack just like they do!

I'm c-suite and regularly have night/weekend obligations and phone calls that interrupt family time. Tuesday night I had a meeting that was conveniently at a local library. I took DD1 with me and let her peruse the books for an hour while I had my meeting, then took her to dinner (she's been left for dinner on her home a ton these past few weeks). Yesterday, I took the afternoon off to take DD2 to the doctor. During a 2hr span I received two "can I call you" texts from my c-suite colleagues and 2 additional phone calls. I took one urgent call from the parking lot outside the pediatrician. I've pulled along side the road or into a parking lot to take a call that requires me to access google files on my phone way too many times. My kids know the drill and are used to it (not that I'm proud of that!). While my girls sometimes say they are frustrated with my distraction or absenteeism, they also tell me that they tell their friends that I'm a bada$$ lady boss.

I think it is completely fine to outsource what you can...grocery delivery, meal kits/plans, housekeeping, yard maintenance, etc. It's also fine to sit down with the family and make all those things shared labor among all the family members so that it's not all on you.

And I agree with SnuggleBuggles, it's ok (and necessary!) for you to set reasonable boundaries with work. I have a coworker who is very religious and wishes to keep Sunday as sacred as possible. We know not to bother them unless it is "bleeding or burning" ie a true emergency that can't wait until Monday. We respect their need for that boundary. If you have a lot of evening and weekend events/activities that are work related, can you shift your work day and hold an hour or two in the morning as personal time?

[NCGrandma]

Others can offer better work-life balance tips (it’s been a long time since my days as a single parent), but I am familiar with the particular pressures facing progressive politics in NC. It’s been an uphill battle for years, but this year seems particularly fraught. My CCRC is filled with aging activists, and organizing/ educating is already in much higher gear than usual this early.

A couple of suggestions, given the political timeline:
—NOW is the time to work on setting boundaries and changing your coworkers' expectations. Think of this as a short-term project that will set you up to survive the long haul.
—Recognize that there will be both genuine emergencies and plenty of "the sky is falling" situations as we get closer to the election. Use the time now to help your coworkers (and yourself) recognize the difference, and how to handle both.

And as others have said, thank you for doing this important work.

ETA: you’re not alone in dealing with perceived political "emergencies." Recently, those of us who work with our CCRC's in-house communications media had to fend off someone who was convinced that everyone here needed to see the *complete* state Board of Elections news release about new photo ID requirements for the upcoming elections IMMEDIATELY. She didn’t believe that most folks would be happy to get a couple of bullet points now, with a few more details in early Fall.

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[Kestrel]

It may be time for a family meeting. Your kids are old enough to help out some. Let them know that things will be different then they're used to; if you haven't already. My boys know that my going back to work means that there are events I won't be able to attend. They also know that Wednesdays, Dad is responsible for dinner. They have more chores than when I was home; they have to - I can't do it all myself. Running a household is time-sucking. The other members of the house need to help out more than they did before, too.

About the grocery trips... we have an "out" list next to the door for everyone to write what needs to be replaced/refilled. If it didn't make it to the list it waits for the next trip. (Even if it means my teenage boy was using pink, rose-scented soap because he forgot to put his on the list!) If I do have to make last-minute trips to the grocery, I try to do it as curbside pickup to save time and hassle. When I first went back to work, I also did the same meals every week for a couple of months - chicken Monday, taco Tuesday, ect so I have a firm plan I don't have to think about until I got settled.

Things will be different. That doesn't mean they won't be good. Hang in there.