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  1. #1
    bisous is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default DS Update and Peptalk Request?

    I was up all night watching DS1's blood sugar. Dang it was high. But it did come down again and I spoke with him early this morning.

    Things are not going that great. Blood sugar wise he was doing really great until last night. Hopefully that is a one off. He does care much more about his blood sugar after the hospitalization issue.

    When I talked to him, he really, REALLY wants to stay up there. Because he likes his friends, he likes his new responsibility through his church group up there, and he enjoys his classes. He actually even really likes cooking and shopping for himself apparently??? That one was a surprise to me. I think he's glad we've increased his budget and feels less restricted that way. He's actually very happy. He's taking his medicine. He's being responsible in answering my calls and doing the things I ask him to do.

    But also, he's sleeping through class CONSTANTLY. Like maybe 2 times a week on average (out of 5!). He keeps saying he'll do better. I don't know how his grades are going to hold up. And that was one of the core 4 things I required him to do to be able to stay. He's keeping up with the other 3!

    Guys, I still think am inclined to keep him up there. Even knowing he might fail. I guess my reasoning is that he's happy and want to be there. I do think he's learning. Even though it has been so hard to watch him fail from all the way over here. I hate to think how this will play out naturally. If he can keep failing and trying, I think he has a shot. But will the school let him stay there with failing grades? Can he afford to stay there if he isn't progressing towards his degree? Is it worth the cost of a semester of college to learn these lessons? (Maybe--but only because the school and COL is so dang cheap?)

    I don't want to be irresponsible. I also don't want to coddle him. I'm going with a gut feeling here. I'm also so scared! Would love thoughts!

  2. #2
    sariana is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I really think we need to banish the word “fail” from most conversations. Every experience is a chance to learn, and we learn more when we “fail” because we have to reflect, adapt, and move on. Those who go through life without ever “failing” are in for a shock when things suddenly go south and they’ve never experienced a challenge.

    If your DS wants to stay, then that very well may be the best course of action for him even if he continues to have challenges. I can’t answer as to the financial issues; your family needs to make that determination.

    Most schools have some sort of academic probation; you’ll have to check with the school regarding its policies. You might have a good case for getting a withdrawal for the whole term based on your DS’s medical issues. The sleeping through class could be a result of his blood sugar challenges, and he has an ER visit as documentation of the seriousness. If he can get an authorized withdrawal and readmission, he might be able to wipe the slate clean and retake the whole term.
    DS '04 "Boogaboo"
    DD '08 "Lilybear"

  3. #3
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    essnce629 is online now Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Have you been up to visit him yet?

    I don't think you can make any sort of decision until you've actually laid eyes on him in person.

    Sent from my SM-A526U1 using Tapatalk
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  4. #4
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by essnce629 View Post
    Have you been up to visit him yet?

    I don't think you can make any sort of decision until you've actually laid eyes on him in person.

    Sent from my SM-A526U1 using Tapatalk

    I know that you have a lot going on in life but this is a drop everything and go check on your kid situation. Those don't happen that often (usually/luckily) but this is one of those times.

    I am glad that you upped his food budget- it's a shame that you probably didn't know it was a struggle/too low for him for so long. Remind him he needs to tell you these things.

    I have no idea how often ds1 sleeps through classes. He brings it up occasionally. I skipped classes too though so it's not my personal hill to die on- and mine is doing well academically so probably a different experience from your kiddo.

  5. #5
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    AnnieW625 is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Default DS Update and Peptalk Request?

    I agree please stop using the word fail.

    You can’t do much for this semester but he needs to sign up for afternoon and evening classes next term if at all possible. If that isn’t possible then I really think he needs to look at other college options. There are plenty of kids who don’t do well with morning classes; he can’t be the only one!

    Good luck with his blood sugars.


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    baby 2, 4-2009 (our Tri-18 baby)

  6. #6
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    Agree with essence and snugglebuggles that this is something you NEED to go up to set eyes on him, talk to people involved in his life to really really get proper assessment.

    Sounds like he’s not telling/sharing things with you as much ideally be sharing more info. Probably out of misguided sense from not wanting to “fail” in your eyes so he probably thinks less info is better.

    Which brings me to a point I’ve been saying CONSISTENTLY since you shared the crisis with us about expectations and the word fail. You have too much (many?) expectations out of him. He is sick with a documented medical issue that he still hadn’t fully gotten under control. On top of mental health challenges.

    Go UP TO HIM asap. It’s really the only way to determine if your gut instinct is correct. A medical withdrawal is NOT the end of the world either. It sounds like he can thrive well but with proper tools and help. The sleeping through WILL be an issue for him as it DOES impact grades, which overall will impact the school decision to let him remain a student. At minimum, he can get academic probation this semester depending his grades, and will that help him and his well being overall? It’s better to have an academic withdrawal than academic probation on his record.


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  7. #7
    jgenie is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    You need to go see him. As a parent with a younger DC and a traveling spouse I know the struggle on the how in the world can I be in two places at one time. This is one of those times you need to call in your church family for help. Drop what you’re doing and get on a plane to get to your son. You may arrive to find that he’s back on track. I urge you to go now. He may not be giving you the whole picture and he may be in more trouble than he’s letting on.

  8. #8
    Liziz is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    First - hooray! Take a minute and be happy for your DS...look at all these great things you've just written:

    [QUOTE=bisous;4441244]
    When I talked to him, he really, REALLY wants to stay up there. Because he likes his friends, he likes his new responsibility through his church group up there, and he enjoys his classes. He actually even really likes cooking and shopping for himself apparently??? That one was a surprise to me. I think he's glad we've increased his budget and feels less restricted that way. He's actually very happy. He's taking his medicine. He's being responsible in answering my calls and doing the things I ask him to do.
    /QUOTE]

    The fact that he's happy, that he's taking his medicine, that he's answering your calls, and that he's doing what you're asking him to do is way better than things sounded previously and a big win. Celebrate that (yourself and with him!)! This is not a snap-your-fingers-and-all-is-better situation. It's a baby steps situation. There was no way you could really even tackle the classes issue until he was taking better care of himself. There's some big baby step wins here!

    At the prices you gave us in your previous post, combined with the sentiments you've shared that you do not think he will mature and grow while living at home (which I agree with!) - yes, it's 100% worth the cost of a semester at college to learn these lessons. I do think it's important to understand the school's rules and ensure he's not academically kicked out (which again, there's been some extenuating medical situations, so I'm sure there's a way through that), but barring that, it wouldn't phase me if this was a learning semester for him for other reasons. Honestly, even if ultimately he ends up having to do an extra semester of school due to a rough start and some early fails, it's still probably way cheaper than starting over and going to school somewhere way more expensive. And if he graduates college with a less-than-perfect GPA, but with solid life skills that allow him to successfully live away from home and navigate the world, he's going to be fine. I honestly think it's the better option over "graduated college top of the class but can't function on his own". Make sure that for future semesters he's takes advantage of the priority scheduling ability (I think I remember that his medical conditions will qualify him for this???), and as long as the class attendance situation improves with that, I'd consider it a win.

    For this semester I may also brainstorm with him about ways to mitigate the missed classes (all the while working towards attending all the time, of course). Are there helpful office hours? Is there a friend in these classes he can meet up with later in the day to get notes? How can he use the textbook to keep up? Are there tutoring sessions later in the day that he could go to for added exposure?

    My one caveat is the hope that the blood sugar thing last night was a fluke and doesn't become a regular situation. If that keeps getting worse then it sounds too dangerous to allow him to stay. However, I recall you telling us that your DS's blood sugar has always had some pretty scary ups and downs, so hopefully this is just one of those and overall he's staying on track.

    I will also join the chorus still encouraging you to find a way up there. I know you have about a million zillion things you're dealing with right now, but I really think that a hidden blessing of your DH's situation is the fact you said he can work from home a bit more now. Take advantage and find a way to get up there! I believe you'll have much better confidence in your decisions in this situation once you've had boots on the ground, so to speak. And I really think your DS would benefit from it as well.

    You are doing a great job. I'm rooting for your DS!
    Lizi

  9. #9
    bisous is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Thanks guys!

    I'm really not wanting to go up there right now. I mean, I'm not 100% opposed but there are some strong reasons that I don't want to. 2 weeks left in school for my kids. Very expensive plane tickets and/or 4 days of driving. The plan was initially that I'd go up there after the kids finish school on the 16th. Maybe we'd even take the kids. And the car, since if I bring him home, I'll need to get his stuff there. Bonus points because DH is freer with his time with the layoffs (he's still officially employed for the next two months, but the urgency to report the office is gone, and so, essentially is most of his workload!) This is right before the Unofficial Withdrawal date for the semester. But it feels so DEFINITE to do that. AND I'd be going up one month later to come and get him (most likely) in preparation for the end of the year. Dh wants to potentially take the family to Yellowstone that week (we were supposed to go last year and then the roads collapsed days before!) That's a big reason number one. Timing and expense. DH's layoff and desire to conserve money factors into this.

    Reason number two is that I don't feel like I need to? We facetime, talk all the time and I think I'm getting a good reading on him. Again, I'm not opposed 100% but I don't feel a big compulsion to do this. Unless I'm definitely bringing him home early. And when I woke up this morning I thought that's what I'd be doing. Our conversation made me feel pretty differently. If he was 3 hours away or an inexpensive plane ride? It might be worth it? But a trip of 7 days or more and nearly $700 is a lot for something that doesn't feel urgent any more. Sorry if the collective thread doesn't like this idea, but it is what my gut is telling me. I am not unaware of the various things he's struggling with but I don't see how my presence will change it, again unless I bring him home.

    The word fail seems to have hit a nerve. I am using it in two ways. First, you can actually FAIL a class. Meaning you don't get credit and that is seriously a risk here and the word is used in its literal sense. I also don't think failing is as bad as everyone makes it out. It is scary but necessary. I believe in destigmatizing the process of failing as a step toward progress. That's pretty much what is underpinning my decision to keep him there. Undoubtedly if I had scooped him up after his first incident we could have wiped that semester right off the map but I wanted him to stay because I want him to grow. It is scary, because failing out of college course work can be expensive and time consuming to put right. DH did it so I have some firsthand knowledge. But I value his progress more than I value the grades so frankly I feel pretty strongly about that point as well.

  10. #10
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Don't bring the littles. Make seeing your big kiddo the focus and priority- the little ones require extra attention and you might feel like it is hard to balance everything.
    I worry that there are just things you aren't seeing on Facetime. I know every family is different but I personally would want to go see him, walk around on campus and have him host me- I imagine he would really enjoy doing that! It sounds like you didn't go for any formal thing like Parents' Weekend or any other visits so I bet he is itching for you to be there and see what his life is like too. Making it an afterthought visit or one where you are trying to keep your little ones happy just isn't the same. I really get it logistics wise. Truly. I'm not naive. But, I would make this work even if your gut says it's all good. Our collective gut is still worried.

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