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  1. #11
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    I’m mean and I wouldn’t let him stay if he can’t attend class regularly. Isn’t he taking a reduced load? Is he failing the classes? I’d monitor his blood sugar more to see if he’s taking care of himself. I do think you need to go and checks out how he’s really doing: is he showering regularly, is he actually eating food that is okay for him to eat? Is he doing any assignments? (Adding that I have a kid with similar neurodivergence.)
    DD (3/06)
    DS1 (7/09)
    DS2 (8/13)

  2. #12
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    trales is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    I am a college professor, I have been for 14 years, I have seen it all.

    I have seen students tell parents exactly what they want to hear in a way that makes the family feel so much better, but it is not reality. He knows you really want him to succeed, he also knows how important college was to you and how you want him to have the same amazing experience you have. He knows that and he does not want to let you down. He will do anything to not let you down. He cares too much about you.

    He is also a young man, they, as a group do not make the best decisions, you must go see him, you need to see his room, his hair, his fridge. You would be shocked at what I have seen, and from really, really great, really awesome kids from the most loving, trusting families. Until you have eyes on him, you might be seeing a fictional situation. Trust, then verify.

    Remember, he does not want to disappoint you, I have seen the scene play out a hundred times. I hope I am wrong, but my experience tells me you need to get up there.
    Tracey

    DD1 3/07 Itching to take over the universe.
    DD2 1/14 My mellow little snuggler.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by trales View Post
    I am a college professor, I have been for 14 years, I have seen it all.

    I have seen students tell parents exactly what they want to hear in a way that makes the family feel so much better, but it is not reality. He knows you really want him to succeed, he also knows how important college was to you and how you want him to have the same amazing experience you have. He knows that and he does not want to let you down. He will do anything to not let you down. He cares too much about you.

    He is also a young man, they, as a group do not make the best decisions, you must go see him, you need to see his room, his hair, his fridge. You would be shocked at what I have seen, and from really, really great, really awesome kids from the most loving, trusting families. Until you have eyes on him, you might be seeing a fictional situation. Trust, then verify.

    Remember, he does not want to disappoint you, I have seen the scene play out a hundred times. I hope I am wrong, but my experience tells me you need to get up there.
    This so much! I was on a academic probation spring semester of my freshman year. My GPA was horrible. The only reason my parents found out cuz they send a letter home where I was for the summer, otherwise they never have known.

    Back in the day, it was no FaceTime, extended phone time, nor calls to wake me up. I was in a sink or make it situation and really wished my parents pushed more for answers. They KNOW me, yet shouldn’t be taking my 18 year old word for it from 3k Miles away.

    I know it’s truly a hardship to get there. But I think this is one of those rare (hopefully) life situations with kids that really warrant your presence.

    I mean, he never told you he needed more money for his food budget? It need to be sat with and thought about. Was it out of fear of disappointing you? Was it fear of going into debt? So what makes you think he will share other information happily with you?

    That’s what making me suggest to go and get eyes on him. You are not getting the full picture.


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    Mummy to DS1-6/11 and DS2-1/14

  4. #14
    firstbaby is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    The $700 and few days away from your littles are a drop in the bucket compared to misreading the glimpses your son is giving you into his life. I was super good at dressing things up for my parents in college and they saw what they wanted to see. Go to your kid.

  5. #15
    jgenie is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by firstbaby View Post
    The $700 and few days away from your littles are a drop in the bucket compared to misreading the glimpses your son is giving you into his life. I was super good at dressing things up for my parents in college and they saw what they wanted to see. Go to your kid.
    This - You have money for emergencies. This would qualify as an emergency in my life.
    Last edited by jgenie; 06-02-2023 at 03:20 AM.

  6. #16
    kristenk is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I think you need to execute the plan you had near the end of your last DS post. Go up to see him, go with him to talk to any school offices or people you need to and help him figure things out and help him come up with a daily routine or schedule that will help him.

    I thinking planning on his staying up at school is fine. That seems like it could reasonably happen with a good solid plan in place. Granted, I don’t know much about T1D and blood sugars etc. and if there’s a point where he needs to come home for his own health.

    I think it’s great that he wants to stay. I also think that is one of the big reasons you should go up and see him in person. I think there’s a chance that he’s telling you what you want to hear (or avoiding negative things he doesn’t want you to know or overemphasizing the positives to you) so that he can stay up there. Or he might not want to worry you. Also, college kids are still kids and they can lack common sense. I think the whole increasing money for food is a good example of this kind of thing. It sounds as if you were happy to increase the food budget and would have done it earlier if you had known it was an issue. He didn’t ask about increasing the budget bc he was either worried that it would be viewed as a negative or it just wasn’t something he thought of. It was a problem that you could have easily solved if you knew about it. Are there any other problems is he facing now that could be easily solved if only you knew about them?

    Definitely leave the younger kids at home. And go soon. This is a working trip to give DS the best shot at success now at his school. And definitely find out about any requirements to stay at the school. Does he have enough hours? Does he need a certain GPA to stay? And if his current path doesn’t match what the college requirements are, talk to whatever school office you need to to make it happen so he can be there next year.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by georgiegirl View Post
    I’m mean and I wouldn’t let him stay if he can’t attend class regularly. Isn’t he taking a reduced load? Is he failing the classes? I’d monitor his blood sugar more to see if he’s taking care of himself. I do think you need to go and checks out how he’s really doing: is he showering regularly, is he actually eating food that is okay for him to eat? Is he doing any assignments? (Adding that I have a kid with similar neurodivergence.)
    I guess I'm a mean mom too as I agree with this! He is ultimately there to attend college so if he's can't seem to wake up for class or pass his classes, I would bring him home.
    Mommy to 2 DS's (2003 and 2007)

  8. #18
    div_0305 is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I am sorry because I didn't read all the comments from your prior posts, but I thought you said your boss would let you use their mileage points to fly. If yes, then I think you should take your boss up on that offer.

    It sounds like you know what your son can handle and if you need to put eyes on him. But as an outsider it sounds like he doesn't tell you everything that he needs to proactively. You only hear these things as a result of something not working for him, like the food budget. Would you have better intel on these things if you were physically there vs the Facetiming? If you can afford a lost college semester because he's still working out the kinks, I'd let him stay. But you can't afford something seriously affecting his mental/physical health longterm, and that is the question you need to answer in this calculation.

  9. #19
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by georgiegirl View Post
    I’m mean and I wouldn’t let him stay if he can’t attend class regularly. Isn’t he taking a reduced load? Is he failing the classes? I’d monitor his blood sugar more to see if he’s taking care of himself. I do think you need to go and checks out how he’s really doing: is he showering regularly, is he actually eating food that is okay for him to eat? Is he doing any assignments? (Adding that I have a kid with similar neurodivergence.)
    I would use this as the carrot to allow ds1 to stay on campus. If he really is happier there, then he has to pull all that other stuff (getting to class, hygiene, health, meals, meds) in line if he wants to stay.

    If he’s really happy, then I still think you should try to find ways to make it possible. I think this means you need to go up and see him. It’s best doing it asap while your littles are in school during the day. Lean on church friends to help with childcare after school and transportation.

    I don’t have a problem using the word fail as long as it’s used matter-of-factly. My ds1 failed Calculus 2. It meant he is taking it this summer. If he fails other classes, he may have to retake those too. It’s been a very good learning experience for him. But I don’t think I’d use the word fail to refer to life experiences. Your ds1 is learning so much about life and it’s scary for everyone. It’s not a fail unless he ends up in the hospital again. And I’d also suggest that when you go see him, don’t freak out. Whatever you find when you go see him, just a smile and an accepting hug. I freaked out a bit when we saw ds1 on a break and it didn’t help. It honestly doesn’t matter if his hair is overgrown and he only wears pajamas to class as long as he is clean and healthy. It’s his life now and my job is about advising choices. You say you want a girlfriend. Try washing your hair and clothes. You want friends, attend activities and clubs. Lots of choices.
    " I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." Mahatma Gandhi

    "This is the ultimate weakness of violence: It multiplies evil and violence in the universe. It doesn't solve any problems." Martin Luther King, Jr.

  10. #20
    hbridge is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by gatorsmom View Post
    It’s not a fail unless he ends up in the hospital again. .
    Even if he does end up in the hospital again, it's not a FAIL, it's a SETBACK! It's so hard to see our kids struggle, but the word "FAIL" is tough to recover from. Failing a class is one thing, it happens. There are things that people can FAIL at, but life is not one of them. Please be careful with the words that you use.

    If ending up in the hospital is a "FAILURE", he may do whatever it takes not to seek help when he needs it. Just be careful how you word things.

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