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  1. #1
    boltfam is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Default Suspect spouse is cheating

    Let me start off by saying that it took a lot of courage for me to post this, and whatever you have to say, please be gentle. Just writing this out is scary, and I don't really know where to start.

    I have suspected my husband of cheating on me for years. When I first started suspecting it, I thought I was going crazy...that it couldn't possibly be true. What I think got me suspicious was that he seemed to be secretive with his phone, and when I would look at his history, it had been cleared. I remember going grocery shopping at night after the kids were in bed and coming home, and realizing that the quilt on our bed was a different orientation. The seams are usually vertical, and they were horizontal.

    Fast forward a couple of years and there was a mom on my son's baseball team that really flirted with him. If I would walk up when they were talking, she would quick run away. I saw her later at a bball game, and i could see her gazing at him, and when I walked up, she quick looked the other way and walked away without acknowledging me. I brought this to his attention, and he responded that he doesn't know what's up with her and that he can't help the way she acts around him. To his credit, he did not seem to be flirting back. Her and her then-husband divorced a couple of years ago bc she had an affair.

    Other things that have made me suspect cheating is that he seems to have an insatiable appetite for sex. And he does things in the bedroom that are different than what we've done before. When I went away for a couple of days last summer, I came home, and our quilt was on the bed the wrong way again. When I asked him about it, he just said he hadn't touched it. I was doing something on his phone last week, and happened upon a picture he had taken of a date from our paper calendar that I would be gone during the day. And then another one where I was gone for the weekend. The kids did have a lot going on that weekend, so maybe he took it to help himself remember the times, but I can't see any reason for the picture of the other date. I have confronted him and asked him if he's having an affair, and he gets a look on his face that he gets when he's lying. I'm a substitute teacher, and he has never really been interested in my daily schedule, but he seems to be very cognizant now of when my subbing day starts and when it ends for each day I sub. I've always told him he's a crappy liar (since we were dating) and that I can tell when he's lying. He either gets very defensive or he tells me I'm crazy. i have looked through his phone and our financials and haven't found anything. But he takes clients out for lunches with our credit card and gets reimbursed by his company, and I never see the expense reports bc he submits them elecrtonically through his work platform. He is still secretive on his phone and gets very defensive any time I ask what he’s doing on it. We went to counseling about four years ago because of this trust factor when it first started. We have an appointment to go again.

    But, my question is...are these things that are putting me on high alert suspicious to others or do you think I'm being overly alert?
    Last edited by boltfam; 06-01-2023 at 03:12 PM.

  2. #2
    jgenie is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default Suspect spouse is cheating

    I’m sorry you’re in a position where this is a possibility. There is a Facebook group called Should I Stay or Should I go that has a strong membership. I would post your story there and see what they suggest for next steps. I think the quilt and sudden interest in your schedule are red flags that he’s up to something. Might not be an affair but sounds like he’s hiding something. Could he be hiding an internet corn addiction? Can you get a nanny cam?
    Last edited by jgenie; 06-02-2023 at 03:46 PM.

  3. #3
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    Default

    First off, thank you for sharing your vulnerable post with us here. And secondly, this is not a great feeling to have, so sorry about that.

    I don’t think you’re silly or overtly paranoid to suspect especially with all the caveats you’ve shared in your post. For now, I would drop the cheating suspicion to him because he may very well start hiding things better. Hopefully this is all for naught. And instead of couples therapy right now, I think individual therapy might be better for YOU. It’s a safe space to really dive into your thoughts, dig deeper what you want, and then bring up your concerns and have couples therapy session to address it all.

    The book too good to leave and too bad to stay by Lundy Bancroft was my aha moment. My circumstances is different but I’ve made the decision to put myself first and filed for divorce this year. I’m not saying you’re anywhere to that decision or even thinking about it. But rather as a way of sharing how the book, solo therapy and the FB group another poster referenced; should I stay or should I leave was an invaluable resources for my journey.

    Lastly, it’s prudent to start looking out for yourself personally and financially. Don’t give your husband a heads up all this is on your radar until you’re ready to share/made a decision. Use the time to look at your income, his income, household expenses, any assets, debts, and the whole financial picture. That’ll give you a sense of control at a time where you’re likely feeling helpless, confused, sad and angry.

    Be kind to yourself. Lean on your network more than ever now.


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    Mummy to DS1-6/11 and DS2-1/14

  4. #4
    mom2binsd is online now Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default

    Those are definitely things that are odd, especially the new interest in your schedule. From things you have mentioned, would he be that bold to have someone into your home? Do you have a neighbor who is home who you trust who might have seen something? Can you put something out/do something that would let you know someone has been in your bed while you are gone? I'm not sure exactly what, and whether having some type of motion activated camera in place would be something you can put in without him finding out. If he is cheating, he doesn't sound like he's going to fess up, but rather gaslight you and say you're crazy for thinking this. But yes, the deleting things on his phone is a huge red flag. Is it cheating or something else, who knows but I would be suspicious for sure given what you've said.

    Also, there is a good chance he can read this too, so I'd be careful when using any devices that have shared accounts, maybe change all your passwords.

    I would be tempted to schedule yourself as "away" all day/kids too, but actually not be working and check back to the house to see if anything is going on.

    Sadly I have witnessed many instances of cheating spouses.

    Also, I commend your bravery for posting, not easy at all!

  5. #5
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    Default

    What a hard post to write, I'm sorry and I admire your courage in reaching out and asking for help.

    I don't have much advice but I do think you should trust your gut. If it feels like a red flag to you it's a red flag. There are a lot of red flags for me in what you wrote, but in the end you're the one who knows your situation best and what's normal and what's not.

    Also, there is a good chance he can read this too, so I'd be careful when using any devices that have shared accounts, maybe change all your passwords.
    He wouldn't even need a pwd, anyone can read posts here if they find it. So I figure it's a pretty obscure part of the internet that isn't necessary going to come up in searches... but it's not a private place, esp if he were to just look at your browser history. If that matters to you you might want to delete this post after you've gotten the info/advice you were looking for...

    I would be tempted to schedule yourself as "away" all day/kids too, but actually not be working and check back to the house to see if anything is going on.
    Before doing something like this to try and catch him, I might ask myself "and then what"? What do *you* want/need to happen if he's cheating. Like the things DualvansMommy's mentions - you can't control his behavior, but you can think about how to control it's effect on you.

    lots of
    ~ Dawn
    Our little monkey (4/2011) & his early holiday present 12/12

  6. #6
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    Many hugs. I don’t have any advice, but I can see why you would be concerned. I agree with the “you can’t control/change his behavior, only your own.”

    On of my best friends’ husbands cheated on her throughout their marriage, and there were similar red flags. While the other women weren’t in their house, it happened in their garage. And there was gaslighting (deny/you’re crazy.)
    DD (3/06)
    DS1 (7/09)
    DS2 (8/13)

  7. #7
    firstbaby is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    First of all, big hugs for your courage in posting and for being in this situation.

    I definitely would feel uncomfortable with some of the behaviors you posted, especially clearing things off his phone. My DH has become more “this is mine” about a few things as our kids have taken over so many things, and I’ve had to accept that these small things are important to him in feeling like a person and not just a parent. The history clearing is a big flag to me.

    I would probably pull a credit report to make sure there weren’t any surprises there - unknown accounts etc. I would also reflect on how my DH was relating back to me - if I was feeling suspicious of being cheated on and verbalized that, is he trying to reassure me and change behaviors that were triggering for me?

    And to be honest, I probably would try to catch him by leading him to believe I was going to be away from the house for hours and show up unexpectedly. You’ve given him an opportunity to come clean and your instincts are trying to protect you.

  8. #8
    Kindra178 is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default

    First, I am so sorry. Even writing all this down is so hard.

    Second, I want to discuss the “and then what” place, put so well above.

    If you found out for sure he was cheating, would you stay with him? I have friends that probably wouldn’t care! They are close friends with their husbands, have entangled financials and lots of busy kids. They need to co-parent in the same house for ease of life and don’t care about the sex aspect as much. In many ways, women have been sold a bill of goods on the you to leave if you find out about cheating.

    So I think you need to think about what you want. If this were me, I would ask flat out.


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  9. #9
    ♥ms.pacman♥ is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default

    First off, so sorry you are going through this.
    Personally, i don’t think you’re being paranoid at all and you have every right to be concerned and have suspicions. All of things you mentioned collectively make up a huge red flag IMO. Just one or two of those things individually, i wouldn’t think would be as big of a deal, but all added up together are pretty telling.

    I think the first thing as Kindra and others mentioned would be to ask yourself what would you do if the answer is “yes” he is cheating. Would you stay and try to work through it?

    If it were me - I wouldn’t ask him if he was cheating (bc it sounds like defensiveness is all you get) , I would basically say “I know something is going on, please just come clean and then we can move forward/deal with it/go to counseling “ (assuming that is what you want to do). If he really was being stubborn i would do what PP noted and just pretend to be out but then come home. I couldnt’ deal with the lying personally (almost worse than the cheating itself tbh)

    Hugs to you again.
    Last edited by ♥ms.pacman♥; 06-02-2023 at 03:22 AM.

  10. #10
    boltfam is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Thank you all for your kind responses and for being supportive. It’s reassuring to hear that I’m not over-reacting, and that I’m not the only one who sees the red flags. I’ve asked him point blank if he’s having an affair and told him I know something is going on, but he continues to deny it. Yes, I can’t deal with the lying.

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