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  1. #11
    div_0305 is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I am so sorry you are going through this. Reading your post, I think you know what you know. Your gut is telling you something. It's often hard to communicate everything that supports your gut feeling, and yet, you said some things that really sound like he's lying. You know the look on his face when he's lying, his phone history is too clean, he's not one to be rearranging the bed quilt, and the possible sex addiction.

    You could do some sleuthing without him realizing, and then once you have proof, you can start figuring out what you want to do (don't confront because you want time to plan and protect yourself). Do you have a video doorbell? You could set up fake appointments where he thinks there's time for him to cheat, and then do your own surveillance. If you have the funds, you could hire a PI just for the days you know you're going to be subbing. Check if you have location sharing with him before you do that though, and turn it off. I'll bet the FB group posted above will have more tried/true suggestions. But first, make sure he can't check your internet history.

    ETA: I hesitate to add this, but I know someone who found out her husband was cheating on her after she was diagnosed with an STD. It was awful, and she was unable to have any more children because of it. At your gyn appointment, I would ask them to do a screening and just mention why.
    Last edited by div_0305; 06-02-2023 at 08:44 AM.

  2. #12
    mmsmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    First, I am so sorry you are going through this. This happened to me in my first marriage (but thankfully we did not have kids). Here are some things I learned:
    1. If you suspect it, it is extremely likely to be true.
    2. It is very rarely a one time thing or only involving 1 other partner. There are likely others.
    3. You need to have concrete, indisputable evidence before you confront him.
    4. Before confronting him you need to decide what you want and be prepared for anything. Have a plan for all options… if he wants to work on marriage, if he wants to leave, if he says he’s in love with someone else, if he says it’s no big deal. Have a plan and prepare what you will say.
    5. Do not contact other woman/women. It is never worth it.

    My advice would be to have a consultation with an attorney and then ask them for a referral to a private investigator. The laws vary by state but in my state if you can prove infidelity you are automatically entitled to more alimony. So it’s important to know your rights and what you need to prepare for legally should this end your marriage.

    Again I am so sorry and I know how awful this is. Just remember this is not about you or anything you did or didn’t do (although he will say that). This is all about him and his issues.

  3. #13
    doberbrat is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I have no advice to offer except to try and ensure that you are financially set for anything that may come your way - ie, have a separate acct and credit cards. But, mostly I wanted to offer a hug.
    dd1 10/05
    dd2 11/09
    and ... a mini poodle!

  4. #14
    3isEnough is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I understand it felt scary to post but please know no one is judging you. If one of us hasn’t been in your shoes previously, then our sister has, or our best friend, or someone we care about.

    I think you’ve received a lot of great input already. I’d say trust your instincts. Pre-DH, I was in a long term dating relationship with someone and there were a lot of small red flags but nothing that entirely added up. We didn’t live together but I had a lot of items at his house, and sometimes I’d find my toothbrush pushed to the back of the bathroom drawer (i stored it at the front of the drawer), or the blow dryer wound differently from the last time I used it (he never used it), things that seemed different. He was an exec in the entertainment industry so had a lot of dinners and lunches and I always wondered about those. Turns out, the small red flags were all indicative of him seeing others. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t tried to explain away all of the red flags that told me things weren’t as he said.

    I wish you the best as you move forward.
    Last edited by 3isEnough; 06-03-2023 at 02:53 AM.

  5. #15
    dogmom is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I am going to offer slightly different advice. I've landed on this from seeing just about every permeation of this: having friends be the cheater, having the friend cheated on, being cheated on, and being the one that had an affair. (First marriage) Here is my philosophy, there are three kinds of people who have affairs: serial cheaters, people who have affairs because they have momentarily lost their senses, and then the people who are two cowardly to face the issues in their marriage and have an affair instead.

    Serial Cheaters: you have two choices, live with it or leave. They aren't changing.

    Temporary mental breaks: No, you don't have to put up with it, it doesn't remove them of their responsibility. But if the issues is substance abuse, untreated mental illness or just a life stressor that is putting them closer to mental illness the thing is to confront that issue. For example, is someone is an alcoholic that is the primary issue, not the cheating. I've seen many a spouse perseverate on the affair and never speak of the fact the person has hookups when they are out drinking and get blind out drunk. The affair is not the primary problem, the affair is an result of the primary problem. That needs to be talked about. Even if it's less dire, like a midlife crisis, the person needs to go to therapy and get their **** together and come back to deal with the affair and take ownership.

    Marital issues that aren't confronted: It is SO hard to go to the person you love and say, "I am having issues, I'm not sure if this is working for me." My affair happened after I realized I was interested in another person, which made me realize my marriage had issues and my needs weren't being met. It took so much for me to go to my ex and say, "I am not happy and we need to go to counseling." Of course he was, nope, I'm fine, I don't believe anything is wrong. You can go if you want. So, not surprisingly, in the middle of being told everything was fine when I was hurting I wound up turning to someone else. Was it the best choice? Nope. Was it, given the circumstances and the hole I had found myself in called a marriage, the only way I was able to snap out of it and realize how bad things were? Yes, given my mental state at the time. Would I do it again, no, but I also wouldn't marry my first husband again being who I am now. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, I'm just honestly not sure how else it could have unfolding given the entire situation. Of course many people don't even approach their partners and say, this is working for me, and go straight to the affair. Cowardly and dishonest, yes, but not an impossible situation all the time. But once again, that is not the aggrieved spouses fault or responsibility.

    Marriages can recover from the last kind of affair, with work, honesty, and open communication. This does not mean the person having an affair gets a free pass for the affair. It certainly doesn't mean they get to gas light you into believing you are the crazy one by denying an affair. Even if the marriage does not make it I think it is better for the aggrieved party to have a good look at the relationship of what is and is not working. I've seen wives go to couple therapy thinking the affair is the issue, then realize they aren't happy and better off without their spouse. In the end they leave, not because they were the victim and cheated on, but because the marriage wasn't meeting their needs. It is a much better place to be.

    OK, this is all very long winded and to get back to the OP's situation. She didn't give a sense of how her underlying marriage is. Much of the advice was how to find out if her spouse is cheating. I absolutely agree if think someone is cheating, they probably are. Before confronting the spouse or hiring a detective I would suggest to anyone in this situation to figure out how they feel the marriage is. Probably involves a neutral third party, probably a professional. If you go to the therapist go with an open mind, not can I save my marriage, or is he cheating, but to figure out what you think, it can be helpful. If that is the therapist's focus is on what you can do to "fix" the marriage, get another therapist. The point is to put space between you and the possible betrayal to get the facts straight in your head about what you do and do not want so you can be in the best place for a good outcome for you.

    I realize this may not be a popular take, but that's what my experience has left me with.
    Last edited by dogmom; 06-03-2023 at 10:32 PM.

  6. #16
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    I’m so sorry you are struggling with this. You have gotten great advice. I agree with pp who have said to trust your gut if you think something is wrong it probably is. Also love Dogmom’s advice to take this opportunity to really look at your relationship and yourself and see if it’s meeting your needs. Chances are your spouse’s needs could be overlooked in some way too and an affair could simply be the symptom, not the root problem.

    One thing I wanted to add is that I’ve been on this board for about 20 years. This isn’t the first thread on this topic so know that you are definitely not alone. But on most of the other threads and not mentioned here, there was a ton of advice to quietly start taking a closer look at bills, expenses, assets, bank accounts, etc. Before you confront him or even talk to him, know very well what your financial situation is. Because after you 2 talk, he could get nervous and start moving assets around. If he’s lied about cheating he could also lie about money.
    " I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." Mahatma Gandhi

    "This is the ultimate weakness of violence: It multiplies evil and violence in the universe. It doesn't solve any problems." Martin Luther King, Jr.

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