How get over this

[mom_hanna]

I'm sorry. I've been there too. My take now is that I attend/do things that I genuinely want to, not with any expectation of reciprocation or anything in return. Then, if it happens, great! And if it doesn't, I know I participated because I wanted to, and there are no hard feelings or regrets.

[hbridge]

Honestly, it's okay for you to feel upset. It is also okay for you to take a "break" from the friendship if need be. Maybe just take a couple of weeks to cool off and regroup. Realize that the 18+ crowd has their own issues and are learning social norms. That learning makes it less than perfect. You COULD bring it up with the parents and see what they say. They might have left it to their 18+ children to RSVP for themselves, ect.

HOWEVER, do what you need to do for yourself. A few weeks off would not be unexpected after your DC's huge event and the party/festivities to follow...

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I'm sorry, that sucks - you have every right to be pissed. I really hate it how inconsiderate people can be on this type of thing...it's like they don't realize the planning, organization that goes into these type of events (bc if they did they would realize how rude it would be..the equivalent of making plans with someone and then just bailing at last minute).

i think it's totally fine to say no to favor requests...in fact that is what you NEED to do. bc they likely are taking you for granted on always being available, and don't realize how much they are putting you out.

[California]

Some young adults are so flakey! It bothers me too. My own DD is going through a stage of this and I really hope she grows out of it soon. I've started copying my SIL- she tells people they need to invite her older teens directly, as she is no longer in charge of their schedule. It's really aggravating and they need to learn that they are burning bridges by flaking out on people who care about them.

[niccig]

ms.pacman;4441846]I'm sorry, that sucks - you have every right to be pissed. I really hate it how inconsiderate people can be on this type of thing...it's like they don't realize the planning, organization that goes into these type of events (bc if they did they would realize how rude it would be..the equivalent of making plans with someone and then just bailing at last minute).

i think it's totally fine to say no to favor requests...in fact that is what you NEED to do. bc they likely are taking you for granted on always being available, and don't realize how much they are putting you out.

Some families were a no or told us only a few could attend. That’s fine, I get it, you had other plans. It was the”yep definitely will be there and then cancel last minute” people that I just don’t get. We had already bought the food and drinks by the day of the party. I have pulled back from a few things this last 2 weeks as I was sick and tired. I needed the break


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[niccig]

Some young adults are so flakey! It bothers me too. My own DD is going through a stage of this and I really hope she grows out of it soon. I've started copying my SIL- she tells people they need to invite her older teens directly, as she is no longer in charge of their schedule. It's really aggravating and they need to learn that they are burning bridges by flaking out on people who care about them.

I told DS how rude it was to do this. We had a grad party for a friend this last weekend and he was flying back in that day from a school competition and I knew he would be tired. I told him if we RSVP yes for him than he had to go regardless of how tired he was. He had a nap before we went to the party. He appreciated this friend came to his party and said he would make the effort for her party.

Agreed that we will need to ask the teens directly going forward. They do have their own lives and schedules


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[KrisM]

I'm sorry. It sucks. Something very similar has happened too many times with my brother and SIL and their family. Last year, I realized that if I wasn't related to them, I would not be friends with them and I needed to just not let them cause me stress. It's hard but really it's good to have the space.

[gatorsmom]

I’m sorry this happened to you. It has happened so many times to our family for get-togethers we host so we have quietly weeded out those friends. Family is harder to do that for though. We just expect they will flake and we will end up with their leftovers. We want our kids to know their cousins so we suck it up and do this.

Im determined to teach my kids not to flake like this on other people. Not only is it rude but I don’t want my kids to piss off all their friends.

[bisous]

It sounds like you've been an amazing and supportive friend and I can feel the hurt and annoyance in your post! As you can tell from this thread many, many people would read your invitation just as you had extended it.

I wonder if what might be happening is that sometimes different families have different expectations with invitations. I am part of a culture where invitations are widely extended and rather casually accepted or rejected. This even extends to things like weddings believe it or not! It is customary in my tiny subculture to have a big reception where the whole "ward" (congregation) of our church is invited and they don't even attempt to collect RSVPs. I've attended LOTS of functions where this was the modus operandi, although I do think it was worse when I was a kid and it has gotten better. It isn't uncommon for my parents (or my inlaws!) to get such an invitation and decide THE DAY OF whether they feel like attending or not. This whole mindset is possible because food is more casual/home cooked, so numbers can vary somewhat widely and it has little to no impact on the actual cost. This is among people with extensive social nets and who can "flake" because they know lots of other people won't. I don't know your friends or the specific circumstances but I wonder if you're running into that a little bit? These people don't even realize that they might offend someone who has carefully planned for a certain number of attendees.

I offer this possibility solely because it might help your feelings to think that it less a personal slight but maybe instead a difference of "culture"? I know that my own family is more sensitive about these things now (meaning DH and I) but we didn't grow up this way! It probably doesn't make it any less annoying or hurtful but maybe more comprehensible?

I'm really sorry!