Family and the holidays. Add your b*tch

[niccig]

College graduates can always move to where the standard of living is lower to save on rent but many are unwilling to leave the comfort and status of their parent's lifestyle.

It also depends on where the jobs are. If DS continues with his career goals, the work is located here. Starting salary is nothing and rent is astronomical. He can’t move to lower COL and get his job. DS can bounce back here after college until he gets his feet under him. I’d rather that than an unsafe living situation. But we will not take care of him. He’s an adult and will need to care for himself and be working towards his own place.

As another poster mentioned, it does depend on the child. I’m not worried about DS not leaving. He’s too social and independent to want to live with mom and dad for too long. His college is 30-40 mins drive away. He could be coming home on weekends or still expect us to help with adult life. He doesn’t. He’s living on campus, does his own laundry and grocery shopping, cleaning the apartment, and manages medical appointments and college paperwork. All I do is transfer money from 529 for tuition/room/board. He works to pay for entertainment expenses

[bcafe]

It also depends on where the jobs are. If DS continues with his career goals, the work is located here. Starting salary is nothing and rent is astronomical. He can’t move to lower COL and get his job. DS can bounce back here after college until he gets his feet under him. I’d rather that than an unsafe living situation. But we will not take care of him. He’s an adult and will need to care for himself and be working towards his own place.

As another poster mentioned, it does depend on the child. I’m not worried about DS not leaving. He’s too social and independent to want to live with mom and dad for too long. His college is 30-40 mins drive away. He could be coming home on weekends or still expect us to help with adult life. He doesn’t. He’s living on campus, does his own laundry and grocery shopping, cleaning the apartment, and manages medical appointments and college paperwork. All I do is transfer money from 529 for tuition/room/board. He works to pay for entertainment expenses

I get that for a niche career (entertainment, animation) but most graduates are not in that situation.

[hbridge]

I never understood that mindset of turning 18; kids are to be out of house forever. Of course there’s the fine line of not wanting them to stay in parent’s home once they hit 30 or older.

The kids generation and younger really do have it tough as far economic times go. They’re saddled with student loans, and this is where I can do by my kids is ensuring they won’t have undergrad student debt.

But yes, better that, wages not really keeping up with inflation, housing costs along with interest rates. Why hurry the financial independence up? I would have loved to have my parents help in my early 20’s while living in Boston and working 2 jobs then. If they can live in my home, while attending graduate studies, pay minimal rent but help out with house I’m ok with that plan if it comes to that.


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My DC will probably call our house "home" for a while when not at college living on campus. They were on an IEP through most of school, but now live on campus. I anticipate they may move home again at some point, but the goal for them has ALWAYS been independence. I don't know what that will look like for DC, but independence is the goal...financial, living, life skills, career, ect.

I know my family member who never left home was considered "disabled" by their parents and treated as such. Our mindset is very different. DC CAN be independent and we will help them get there .

[DualvansMommy]

My DC will probably call our house "home" for a while when not at college living on campus. They were on an IEP through most of school, but now live on campus. I anticipate they may move home again at some point, but the goal for them has ALWAYS been independence. I don't know what that will look like for DC, but independence is the goal...financial, living, life skills, career, ect.

I know my family member who never left home was considered "disabled" by their parents and treated as such. Our mindset is very different. DC CAN be independent and we will help them get there .

Abosutely yes. Each family is different and what works for yours but I think independence is also the goal for many parents of children with any disability or neurodivergent.

45 years ago or so, you would have believed my parents were told their baby, aka me have no future if they let the doctors have any threshold on them. I meant for households with any child who had all the support of families at home, growing up, and once 18, is expected to figure life on their own. I’m not including families who are letting them live with them while they work towards their versions of independence.


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[mom2binsd]

The thing with my BIL, he has a college education, had a very good paying job, but just never left home. He's never paid rent, utilities, nothing, I'm assuming he has money somewhere but MIL always says how tough it must be (he went to work at dept store after a year of being "severenced" out), like he had bills to pay. It's all so bizarre, and they live in a small/tiny house, no privacy, one bathroom, he has a bedroom that is just a few feet from the main living area. I can see if a kid is done college and needs a place while getting their first job etc, but I will not have my kids "never leave".

[jgenie]

The thing with my BIL, he has a college education, had a very good paying job, but just never left home. He's never paid rent, utilities, nothing, I'm assuming he has money somewhere but MIL always says how tough it must be (he went to work at dept store after a year of being "severenced" out), like he had bills to pay. It's all so bizarre, and they live in a small/tiny house, no privacy, one bathroom, he has a bedroom that is just a few feet from the main living area. I can see if a kid is done college and needs a place while getting their first job etc, but I will not have my kids "never leave".

I have extended family members similar to this. Kids worked but the money was always their’s to play with. They worked as they pleased and didn’t when the wind changed. They were well in their 40’s before they ever paid a bill. It was a cushy life for them but such a disservice. No relationships because who wants to be involved with someone who isn’t self supporting. A temporary place to land to build savings yes but not permanent.


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[klwa]

My dad & brothers all live within 5 miles of each other. Both brothers are divorces, so there's added difficulties making sure the whole family is able to pick a day that works for our family Christmas. Add in one niece who's an adult now with a job. So, I asked them to just pick a date that works for them & their kids. Get to Thanksgiving & ask if they've discussed it. Nope. "Kris, just pick a date!" Well, what days are your exes having the kids? And what's Niece's work schedule? When are the college kids even home? "Oh. Yeah, there's no good date." Yes there is. Just work together & pick a date. And we'll drive the 2+ hours to get to you because no one even considers the fact that I'm driving and you two aren't and can do things whenever the hell works. (Note that the one who told me "there's no good date" is the one who's kids have announced that they will not live with their mom and didn't even know where she was on Thanksgiving because they hadn't talked to her in a couple of weeks.)

*sigh* And this weekend, my dad decided to tell me "Wasn't Thanksgiving nice? That's how it's supposed to be. No body fighting!" when I called to see how he was doing. Yeah, that was directed at me & DD1 because of Other Niece. Other Niece decided last year that DD1 needed to date a friend of hers. Even though we live over 2 hours away. ON then proceeded to get her entire friend group to add DD1 on Snapchat to try to make this happen. And call DD1 multiple times to try to force the issue. DD1 never even met this kid in person and he agreed that the whole thing was stupid. At some point during all of this, ON's boyfriend told DD1 that she's fat and needs to lose weight. After MONTHS of this, DD1 blocked ON & her friends on social media and text. ON told the entire family back home about how mean DD1 was. One weekend, I saw the family without my kids with me & ON tried to tell me how mean DD1 was being. I explained everything I knew, in front of the entire family, and ON turned pale and said she GUESSED that she might be part of the problem. The next time the kids & I were at my dad's, DD1 & I had a small argument & I left the room for a minute to not argue in front of the family. ON followed me to talk to me about how mean DD1 is. I told her she needed to just stay out of it and that her actions in the past had both me & DD1 on edge. Which... I probably shouldn't have said, but I really didn't want a repeat of her trying to tell me about DD1's issues. She left the room wailing and got my brother to take her home. And they refused to visit at all the next time I went to see my dad.

The week before Thanksgiving, DD1 unblocked ON's phone number, reached out, and told her that they needed to work on things before the family gathering. They seemingly patched things up. Then, while at my dad's on Thanksgiving, ON stayed on Facetime with the boyfriend who called my daughter fat, including regularly turning the phone around to show DD1. And DD1 and I specifically didn't call her out on it. But her behavior was just fine. It's only the fact that I made her cry months before that was problematic.

[gatorsmom]

We get together with my extended cousins for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day each year. We have done this for years because my grandmother loved having all her family around. And then her daughter, my aunt, was awesome about having everyone over for a meal. After my grandparents died and then my parents died, and their siblings died, all the grandkids and our families adopted our aunt as the matriarch of the family. Everyone loved my aunt because she was fun and bubbly and kind. My aunt died this year and it’s been sad watching her kids fight with each other over sorting out her jewelry, taking turns caring for their very lonely dad, and dividing up the family business. My other cousins and I already went through this when our parents died but now that our beloved aunt is gone, it’s sad watching her kids fight and hurt each other.

just so sad.